Salon.com > Wajahat Ali

Welcome to the first annual celebrity religion swap

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:00:00 +0000

Muslims worldwide groaned upon hearing the news that Oliver Stone’s son, Sean, converted to Islam while filming a documentary in Iran.

Although we -- the collective 1.5 billion Muslims worldwide -- assume Sean Stone is a fine, upstanding man and sincerely wish him spiritual contentment, we earnestly ask Allah why Islam only attracts controversial celebs (in this case, the son of a controversial celeb) who further tarnish our already toxic brand name?

We plead to the heavens for an answer as to why he converted in Iran, of all places, which is currently the most feared and loathed country in America and about as popular as herpes.

We have patiently endured, oh, Allah.

We miraculously survived Mike Tyson, who converted to Islam while incarcerated, and then angrily threatened Lennox Lewis in an infamous interview: “I want your heart. I will eat his children. Praise be to Allah.”

Awesome.

How turkey came to our Thanksgiving table

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 20:00:00 +0000

My Pakistani and American Muslim social circles celebrate Thanksgiving each year alongside our Eid festivities and Super Bowl Sunday parties, featuring homemade guacamole dip, chips and samosas. But it wasn't always like this. For my family, this marriage between East and West was three decades in the making.

The 1980s: An “Amreekan Holiday”

As a child, I often asked my mother what we were eating for Thanksgiving.

“Food,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“Are we eating a turkey?” I asked.

“No, only Amreekans eat turkey.”

Any immigrant or child of immigrants understands that “Amreekan” is a code word for “the mainstream,” which really means “white people.” In addition to celebrating Thanksgiving with a turkey, here are some other things we learned only “Amreekans” do:

Wear shoes inside the home
Receive “time out” as a valid form of punishment for unruly behavior
Talk back to elders
Have sex before marriage
Put grandparents in senior homes
Sleep over at friends’ homes
Tattoos
Christmas trees
Cable television
Shop at stores other than Ross, K-Mart, outlet stores, Marshalls and Mervyns (RIP)

My awkward moments in Muslim prayer

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 01:45:00 +0000

A Muslim who prays in public is like James Bond, but without the bling, sophisticated gadgets and entourage of gorgeous women eager to bed him. Both brilliantly fail at every attempt at stealth. Like the fictional secret agent, a Muslim, despite his best intentions and clandestine efforts, sticks out like a pink elephant when forced to offer his ritualistic prayer, salat, outside the comforting cocoon of his home or mosque.

Contrary to the fear-mongering asserted by professional Islamophobes, Muslim Americans do not wish to impose their religious practices and beliefs upon their non-Muslim neighbors. The reality is that most of us are simply trying to navigate the sometimes tricky -- but often entertaining -- balancing act of adhering to our religious values and rituals while avoiding societal awkwardness and being seen as modern-day Boo Radleys.

Each time I have to pray and am unable to find a secluded spot, I would love for a magic Muslim portal to open and take me away to a fantastic Greyskull castle. Here, I could pray in solitude, shielded from the curious eyes of fascinated and horrified observers and ride on an armored tiger named Battle Cat while drinking mango lassi from a diamond-encrusted goblet.

Leaked documents reveal War on Christmas!

Tue, 30 Nov 2010 18:44:00 +0000

TIME: 8 p.m., November 2010

SETTING: Fox News studio, the set of Bill O'Reilly's "O'Reilly Factor"

Bill O'Reilly: Welcome back, loyal viewers. Now, you all might recall that "I won the war on Christmas" a few years ago. But the forces of darkness are always creeping -- like sharia -- and it seems they have risen from their weed-induced slumber. The atheists are now using billboard propaganda on our children to erase Christ from Christmas!

The Jews and Muslims apparently can't find peace in the Middle East, but they sure can join forces to declare war on Christmas and blow up our Christmas trees! And who can blame them? They're simply taking the cue from President Obama's government.

It’s the occupation, stupid

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 12:01:00 +0000

With its deadly commando raid on a Gaza-bound humanitarian flotilla that left nine civilians dead and dozens injured, Israel once again resembles a self-destructive Goliath to much of the world.

Predictably, though, American pundits seem distracted by Israel's double-talk and moral justifications and intent on reducing this latest episode to a question of who threw the first punch on the ship. Instead, we should analyze the tragedy as a recurring symptom of Israel’s brutal 43-year occupation of Palestinian territories, which has had grave consequences for the security of Israel, Palestine and the United States.

America's ideological, financial and military support of Israel’s occupation is "untenable." It erodes international solidarity, leads to cultural isolation, and further engenders anger and mistrust among Muslim communities around the world.

“Sex and the City 2′s” stunning Muslim clich

Wed, 26 May 2010 18:45:00 +0000

I'm a heterosexual, Muslim dude who until recently thought pleated khakis and loafers were "hip" and mistook Bergdorf Goodman for an expensive Swiss chocolate. So it is not surprising that 40 minutes into "Sex and the City 2," a 150-minute cotton candy fantasy accessorized with materialism and fashion porn, I was comatose with boredom.

But I was defibrillated by the film's detour into Abu Dhabi (really Morocco and studio sets) and what can only be described as an Orientalist's wet dream. After discovering they will visit the Middle East, the ladies whip out hall-of-fame Ali Baba clichés: References to "magic carpet" (a double entendre, naturally), Scheherazade and Jasmine from "Aladdin" come in rapid succession. Upon hearing a stewardess give routine flight instructions in Arabic, Samantha behaves like a wild-eyed child hearing a foreign language for the first time. "I wonder what she’s saying. It sounds so exotic!"

How Miss USA will push the secret Muslim agenda

Tue, 18 May 2010 19:15:00 +0000

MEMORANDUM

To: The Muslim World

From: Evil Muslims Worldwide, Inc.™

Re: "The Muslim Agenda: Or, How to Infiltrate America by Learning to Love Ridiculously Good Looking People in The Miss USA Pageant"

This is a transcription and translation of a meeting recently held in Arizona, U.S.A, the global headquarters for Evil Muslims Worldwide, Inc.™ Several evil dignitaries were present either in person or via Skype. Their identities have been protected.

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A bearded man of average height and brownish hue dismounts his distinguished, but very evil, camel and proceeds to address the distinguished evil guests in a very evil, foreign language.

Gentleman, our nefarious plots for infiltrating America and creating a "politically correct, Islamo-pandering climate" has yielded mixed results. We need a new strategy.

What I understand about Faisal Shahzad

Thu, 06 May 2010 15:11:00 +0000

Last Saturday, I was drinking my chai, reading the latest Green Lantern comic, and participating in the glorious American hobby that is Googling when I saw the news about the foiled NYC Times Square terror plot. I immediately began reciting the "Post-Crisis Minority Mantra," familiar to many ethnic minorities and religions in these troubled times:

"Please don't let it be a Muslim or Pakistani dude. Please don't let it be a Muslim or Pakistani dude."

Back then, it wasn't. They had footage of a suspicious white guy.

"Phew! Thank God!" I said out loud.

But I had to invoke the mantra repeatedly over the next few days, as details emerged and the truth became all too clear: The terrorist was a recently naturalized U.S. citizen from Pakistan named Faisal Shahzad. A Muslim Pakistani.

"No! Not again! Why, God, why??"

A Muslim born and raised in America with Pakistani parents, I was the "token" at early age. Growing up, I was like any other socially awkward, overweight, dorky American kid who wanted to date Alyssa Milano and beat Contra on my Nintendo without using the secret, unlimited life code -- except my T-shirts were smeared with turmeric and lentil stains instead of PB and J, and in place of Lunchables my mom fed me homemade, green-colored, lamb patty burgers. I was the kid comfortable with all his identities -- Muslim, American, Pakistani -- and as such, I became the one people consulted when uncomfortable questions had to be asked, or misconceptions and stereotypes needed to be explained.

“South Park”: The controversy continues

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 00:20:00 +0000

Setting: A community town hall meeting for the citizens of EAST PARK, a neighbor of SOUTH PARK, to discuss Comedy Central’s recent censorship of a harmless cartoon portraying Prophet Mohammed due to veiled threats against the cartoon’s creators by two loners named De-volution Islam.

A corpulent child wearing a Savile Row business suit and a red, white and blue ascot climbs onto the stage. He is wearing a shiny American flag pin on his lapel. He steps on a milk carton to stand behind the dais and assumes control of the meeting by slamming his gavel.

KKKARTMAN: Order! Order! By the power vested in me. By myself and all freedom-loving, patriotic, deodorant-wearing, one-true-God-fearing citizens of East Park, I hereby declare moral outrage! Outrage, I say! Why, you ask? WHY?! Because the godless, liberal Benedict Arnolds at Comedy Central have prostrated to the altar of political correctness! They have succumbed to the demands of a legion of intolerant, extremist, Islamist, Muslim fundamentalists whose only logical response to a satirical cartoon lampooning their Prophet is violence, reactionary rhetoric and bad hygiene! Ha! This is what happens when you elect a Muslim president!