In the exclusive conversation below, Al-Muslimi tells Salon about the drone strikes’ devastating toll on Yemeni civilians and how the current U.S. counterterrorism policy in Yemen is like “reading from a manual '10 Steps on How to Lose a War.'”

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When the news broke, snarky Twitter trolls – are there any other kind? – launched the rhetorical gauntlet of questions, those predictably designed to confirm a biased, flawed narrative that casts “Islam” as the quintessential anti-American antagonist in the endless "War on Terror."

First, I was asked how I felt knowing “Islam” was behind the bombing?

I felt the same way I did before the suspects were identified: devastated and saddened at the needless loss of life and the chaos that paralyzed a nation for a week. I prayed that the capture of the alleged suspects brings much needed peace and catharsis to the victims, their families and the entire city of Boston.

As far as Islam goes, I’ve never met Islam.

Islam has never asked me out on a date.

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When you think of Pakistan, acclaimed literary fiction is not your first thought. You’re thinking of the ubiquitous nation of 180 million that bleeds daily and leads sensationalist headlines declaring it the world’s “most dangerous place,” a title often  accompanied by encouraging descriptions such as “terrorist haven,” “chaos,” “explosive,” “nightmare,” and “failed state.”

You know Pakistan as the moody, unhinged sister of India, which hennas itself with ghastly violence seeped in extremism and sectarianism.

You know a country whose complex, messy and challenging narrative is reduced to caricatures paraded on news shows as the bearded, anti-American Rage Boys, angry, obscurant Mullahs, disfigured burqa’d women, and President Zardari’s well-groomed mustache.

However, if you look beyond the increasingly grim and sordid headlines and peer deeper into history, you will discover a Pakistan of brilliant, artistic richness as heard in the Qawwalis mastered by the late, great Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan or the philosophical meditations of Urdu poets Iqbal and Faiz.

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Menendez admitted the hate crime, explaining she “pushed a Muslim off the train tracks because I hate Hindus and Muslims ever since 2001 when they put down the twin towers I’ve been beating them up."

Never mind that Sen was raised Hindu and the 9-11 terrorist attacks were coordinated by 19 foreign hijackers primarily from Saudi Arabia.

An unbalanced, paranoid mind marinated in our oversaturated Islamophobic environment is numb to such cultural specifics and susceptible to conflate anyone appearing “Muslimy” as the “enemy.”

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We have yet to determine if Page mistook Sikhs for Muslims, but such questions are irrelevant. In today's Islamophobic atmosphere, there has been increased marginalization of all AMEMSA (Arab, Middle Eastern, Muslim, South Asian) communities. In particular, Sikh Americans have faced the brunt of post-9/11 hate crimes and backlash, with Sikh men often being mistaken for Muslims. The first post-9/11 hate crime murder was of Balbir Singh Sodhi, a Sikh gas station owner in Arizona, whom the murderer chose because he was “dark-skinned, bearded and wore a turban.”

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Or, what if you get caught doing the pre-prayer ablution, wudu, that requires Muslims to wash their hands and feet five times a day? “Uh, my foot is in the office restroom sink because I couldn’t pay my water bill,” you might say. “Rough economy, you know?”

Added to this list is the “lota,” which is used in Muslim communities, including most South Asian populations, to aid in cleansing rituals. The lota is a magical chalice for our peoples – it’s a traditional hand-held vessel that contains water to assist in our bathroom “activities.” Using a baseball lineup analogy, toilet paper and moist wipes are a “leadoff” hitter, but the lota functions as the “clean-up hitter,” the player with the power to bring all the players to home plate.

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Ten minutes prior, I had been running two miles on the treadmill. In the last 25 seconds of the run, my heart rate decided to abruptly accelerate. I knew I only had about 30 seconds before passing out and hitting the mat. Ever since high school, I have suffered from supra ventricular tachycardia, in which a faulty electrical connection in the heart randomly degenerates into either abnormally fast or irregular heartbeats. The condition affects 20 percent of adults, predominantly seniors, but also young, healthy people, even Olympic athletes.

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The 1980s:  An “Amreekan Holiday”

As a child, I often asked my mother what we were eating for Thanksgiving.

“Food,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“Are we eating a turkey?” I asked.

“No, only Amreekans eat turkey.”

Any immigrant or child of immigrants understands that “Amreekan” is a code word for “the mainstream,” which really means “white people.” In addition to celebrating Thanksgiving with a turkey, here are some other things we learned only “Amreekans” do:

• Wear shoes inside the home
• Receive “time out” as a valid form of punishment for unruly behavior
• Talk back to elders
• Have sex before marriage
• Put grandparents in senior homes
• Sleep over at friends’ homes
• Tattoos
• Christmas trees
• Cable television
• Shop at stores other than Ross, K-Mart, outlet stores, Marshalls and Mervyns (RIP)

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SETTING: Fox News studio, the set of Bill O'Reilly's "O'Reilly Factor"

Bill O'Reilly: Welcome back, loyal viewers. Now, you all might recall that "I won the war on Christmas" a few years ago. But the forces of darkness are always creeping -- like sharia -- and it seems they have risen from their weed-induced slumber. The atheists are now using billboard propaganda on our children to erase Christ from Christmas!

The Jews and Muslims apparently can't find peace in the Middle East, but they sure can join forces to declare war on Christmas and blow up our Christmas trees! And who can blame them? They're simply taking the cue from President Obama's government.

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Predictably, though, American pundits seem distracted by Israel's double-talk and moral justifications and intent on reducing this latest episode to a question of who threw the first punch on the ship. Instead, we should analyze the tragedy as a recurring symptom of Israel’s brutal 43-year occupation of Palestinian territories, which has had grave consequences for the security of Israel, Palestine and the United States.

America's ideological, financial and military support of Israel’s occupation is "untenable."  It erodes international solidarity, leads to cultural isolation, and further engenders anger and mistrust among Muslim communities around the world.

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But I was defibrillated by the film's detour into Abu Dhabi (really Morocco and studio sets) and what can only be described as an Orientalist's wet dream. After discovering they will visit the Middle East, the ladies whip out hall-of-fame Ali Baba clichés: References to "magic carpet" (a double entendre, naturally), Scheherazade and Jasmine from "Aladdin" come in rapid succession. Upon hearing a stewardess give routine flight instructions in Arabic, Samantha behaves like a wild-eyed child hearing a foreign language for the first time. "I wonder what she’s saying. It sounds so exotic!"

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To: The Muslim World

From: Evil Muslims Worldwide, Inc.™

Re: "The Muslim Agenda: Or, How to Infiltrate America by Learning to Love Ridiculously Good Looking People in The Miss USA Pageant"

This is a transcription and translation of a meeting recently held in Arizona, U.S.A, the global headquarters for Evil Muslims Worldwide, Inc.™ Several evil dignitaries were present either in person or via Skype. Their identities have been protected.

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A bearded man of average height and brownish hue dismounts his distinguished, but very evil, camel and proceeds to address the distinguished evil guests in a very evil, foreign language.

Gentleman, our nefarious plots for infiltrating America and creating a "politically correct, Islamo-pandering climate" has yielded mixed results. We need a new strategy.

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"Please don't let it be a Muslim or Pakistani dude. Please don't let it be a Muslim or Pakistani dude."

Back then, it wasn't. They had footage of a suspicious white guy. 

"Phew! Thank God!" I said out loud.

But I had to invoke the mantra repeatedly over the next few days, as details emerged and the truth became all too clear: The terrorist was a recently naturalized U.S. citizen from Pakistan named Faisal Shahzad. A Muslim Pakistani.

"No! Not again! Why, God, why??"

A Muslim born and raised in America with Pakistani parents, I was the "token" at early age. Growing up, I was like any other socially awkward, overweight, dorky American kid who wanted to date Alyssa Milano and beat Contra on my Nintendo without using the secret, unlimited life code -- except my T-shirts were smeared with turmeric and lentil stains instead of PB and J, and in place of Lunchables my mom fed me homemade, green-colored, lamb patty burgers. I was the kid comfortable with all his identities -- Muslim, American, Pakistani -- and as such, I became the one people consulted when uncomfortable questions had to be asked, or misconceptions and stereotypes needed to be explained.

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A corpulent child wearing a Savile Row business suit and a red, white and blue ascot climbs onto the stage. He is wearing a shiny American flag pin on his lapel. He steps on a milk carton to stand behind the dais and assumes control of the meeting by slamming his gavel.

KKKARTMAN: Order! Order! By the power vested in me. By myself and all freedom-loving, patriotic, deodorant-wearing, one-true-God-fearing citizens of East Park, I hereby declare moral outrage! Outrage, I say! Why, you ask? WHY?! Because the godless, liberal Benedict Arnolds at Comedy Central have prostrated to the altar of political correctness! They have succumbed to the demands of a legion of intolerant, extremist, Islamist, Muslim fundamentalists whose only logical response to a satirical cartoon lampooning their Prophet is violence, reactionary rhetoric and bad hygiene! Ha! This is what happens when you elect a Muslim president!

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