As millions of American women arrive at their workplace today, if not stopping first at their hair salon, supermarket or stockbroker, they'll face the Starr-kissed question on every citizen's lips: Have YOU had an improper relationship with the president?
I for one, would like to clear up the matter right away. In regard to my relationship with the president -- one in which we've had many ups and downs, special "gifts" (what else do you call my vote against Bush?) and unreturned phone calls -- I would have to say, at this time, and in my affidavit, that you would never call it "sexual."
Or would you? See, I feel a certain erotic kinship with the president today, a level of connection that transcends my normal role as his neglected constituent and makes me feel, at the very least, like more of a psychic friend.
I think I know what the president wants right now, and I do mean right this second, rising from his seat in the Oval Office after another 15-hour spin fest, or stepping back from the microphone of another NPR reporter asking the same damn questions they asked yesterday. Right now, what President Clinton wants is to get laid.
What does a man do with himself, a man on popular trial for his sexual pursuits, when those very same pursuits are the thing he turns to for relief? Face it, our president could use about a dozen blow jobs right now, in rapid succession, from a series of adoring fresh faces who would offer the sweetest solace, the most nurturing, ego-affirming escape hatch ever devised between a pair of lips.
The president and first lady are known to manage their time, and also their distractions, by putting things in boxes, a habit that many of us can admire. Who among us hasn't said, "I'm not answering that phone right now. I'm not taking the bait for an argument. I am currently involved in Crisis No. 55, so the rest of you can just get in line."
Unfortunately not all boxes are alike, and some of those presidential cubicles have been wrapped up in tightly ribboned packages of denial. Clinton the president does not want to deal with Clinton the man, because American Puritanism -- his background and still his belief system -- does not accept vulnerability nor desire, and at the same time makes the litmus test of unsullied "moral character" a prerequisite of leadership.
But we don't need more "moral character" in the White House. We need sexual honesty, and we need a sense of democracy and accountability that is bigger than any one man's dick.
Clinton's box theory as applied to his erotic identity has to be ripped to shreds, for starters. He appears to be the sort of man who thinks that a "sexual relationship" is not bona fide until it includes penis-vagina intercourse. He protects his notion of fidelity and culpability by putting everything else that might happen in sex, from heavy petting to fellatio, in the It Doesn't Count box.
If Zippy the Pinhead were to ask President Clinton today, "Are We Having Sex Yet?" Bill would undoubtedly answer no. But can't he at least admit that whatever he calls what he's been doing, it's been FUN? If the lawyers involved were to define sex as "whatever gets your rocks off," I think we'd be seeing some different answers, or at least some visible squirming
Personally I could not have had a sexual relationship with the president because I'm too much like him. I'm erotically oriented toward my clitoris, and on those uncomfortable occasions when someone has asked ME to begin and end a sexual episode by performing a blow job, my selfish thought was always, "What's in this for me?" I know it's nice to please, but I'm afraid that doesn't entirely get me off, even in the most yearning of circumstances.
I've actually felt guilty for my self-centeredness (Bill, have you?), but to my amazement, as I grew more experienced I found that there are all sorts of people out there who genuinely want to go down on me without physical reciprocation, who consider it an honor and the deepest of thrills.
Yes, there's a match out there for everyone, I've learned, and often there's so many more than one! Bill knows this better than I, as his vaunted position is a unique aphrodisiac among the right young bosomy attendants.
Women are characterized by their sexuality all their lives. Men, and especially so-called "great men," are humiliated to find themselves reduced to what in frank circles could be called a "pussy dilemma."
They can take a tip from the best of women's liberation in this regard, which is, don't let people put you down because of sex, and have the courage to talk about your erotic convictions like they counted for something.
I'm afraid I'm a pessimist about my affairs and dreams of the president, and in fact the presidency itself. The "proper thing" by their old-guard standards is to put the blame on an improper woman -- save the man and deflect his shame onto the mistresses and wives. Right now, Clinton is running out of time. The funny thing is, at this moment, as scarce as time may be, Clinton has a bigger personal problem: He's run of out of women.