Someone to watch over me

For one little boy whose babyhood was almost lost in a crowded Russian orphanage, it's not the educational toys and developmental stimuli that matter most.


Janis Cooke Newman
June 9, 1998 8:30PM (UTC)

My best friend, Meg, is afraid she's letting her 6-month-old son
spend too much time in the Johnny Jump-up.

"I feel so guilty," she tells me. "We should be playing with the
Gymini, developing his gross motor skills."

I know what she means. The other day, I watched several Babar
cartoons with my 2-year-old son, Alex, trying to see if I could justify it
as a tool for language acquisition.

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Like most parents, I've become an expert on child development. I
know that playing peekaboo establishes object permanence, that the Legos
all over my kitchen floor will help Alex develop his fine motor
skills and that the squeaking rubber ducky that's starting to grow mold
shouldn't be thrown out because it teaches cause and effect. I have read
that the first three years are the most important time in a child's life
for learning, so I try to give Alex as much educational stimulation as I
can, before he turns 3 and it's too late.

The downside to having all this expertise is that I'm terrified I'm
not doing enough. I think that if I let Alex watch the cartoon elephant in
the green suit instead of the real elephants in the National Geographic
special I'm sentencing him to a lifetime of summer school.

This is when I make myself go back and remember how Alex spent the
first half of those all-important three years.

For the first 15 months of his life, Alex lived in an
orphanage in Moscow, an old building with mint green walls and a smell of
boiled cabbage. He and 12 other children his age spent their
days in a large playpen surrounded by a painted pink-and-white railing.
Four women took turns caring for the children, never more than two at a
time for all 12. Most often it was Nadia, a woman who dressed in a
white lab coat, a babushka and men's tube socks with sandals.

There was no "Sesame Street," no Mister Rogers, no Barney -- only a small
plastic radio that was left on all day, tuned to a station that alternated
between disco music and loud Russian talking. The toys Alex played with
had not been chosen for their educational value. Some had been bought by
the orphanage, some had been left by other Americans who had come to
pick up the children they were adopting. The nicer toys were kept out of
reach on a shelf, and during the two weeks my husband, Ken, and I spent
visiting the orphanage, waiting for Alex's papers to be signed, I never saw
them taken down.

Although all the children in Alex's group were well over a year
old, none of them had learned to walk. During that first week, I began to
take Alex out of the big playpen and put on a pair of canvas shoes from a
communal pile over the footed terry cloth jumpsuit all the children wore.
Back and forth, along the long wall where 12 cribs were lined up in a
row, I'd walk Alex while Ken videotaped. The day he walked the short
distance between the cribs and the railing of the playpen by himself was
the first time we saw him smile.

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Once or twice a week, Nadia would climb into the big playpen with
a large stuffed dog. She'd hold the dog up and point to its ears, its
nose, its eyes, saying the word for each, while the children gathered
around, mostly just to touch her arm, her leg. Then she'd sing a Russian
song with a lot of clapping and the lesson would be over.

At 15 months, Alex didn't talk. None of the children did.
They didn't try out sounds or babble, and when they played together in the
big playpen, they were silent. Watching them was like watching television
with the sound off. The only time I heard any noise was when Nadia took
one of them out to be fed. Then, the rest would crowd around the pink-and-white railing and cry to be next.

At the orphanage, Ken and I talked to Alex constantly. Sometimes
we'd sing to him, old songs from musicals by George Gershwin and Irving
Berlin. One day, Nadia let us take him outside, to the weeds and patches
of dirt and old swing sets where the older children played. We sat by a
small carved wooden playhouse that looked as if it belonged in a Russian
fairy tale, and Ken sang, "Someone to Watch Over Me," our wedding song.
When he stopped, he heard a soft, high voice in his ear. Alex was singing
along.

After we brought Alex home, I opened my books on early childhood
development and read about infants' playing with rattles that developed
coordination, newborns' being given teddy bears that stimulated their sense
of touch and parents who spoke French to their babies while they were
still in the womb. I was afraid that Alex's time in the orphanage would
mean he'd have to go through life with one hand tied behind his back.

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Today, Alex is almost 3. His fine motor skills are so well
developed he can open a childproof lock faster than I can. Not only does
he run and jump and climb with no problem, he can also do a pretty
impressive flip over the headboard of our bed. And his language skills are
so strong he can ask a theoretical question in the future tense, such as,
"When you get bigger, Mommy, will you have a penis?"

I find this question very comforting. It makes me remember that
children are incredibly resilient and that Alex will not have lifelong
learning problems if I sometimes let him play with a Power Ranger instead of
his Phonics Desk.

So I remind Meg that Alex did not hear one word of English until he was 15 months old, and that he can still carry on a five-minute conversation about dog poo.

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And then I go into the living room and hold Alex, and while I'm at it, I pick up the wooden puzzle of farm animals so we can work on his spatial relationships.


Janis Cooke Newman

MORE FROM Janis Cooke Newman

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Adoption

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