21st Challenge No. 22 results

"Lose the glasses" and other memos from Bill Gates' alien overlords.


Charlie VaronJim Rosenau
June 3, 1999 8:00PM (UTC)

From far-flung Ep^3, we rationed you a mere 18 encrypted words to transmit your annual missive to your Earth-bound operative, Bill_Gates. Yet, the ultra-low bandwidth didn't strangle your creativity -- as seen in the results below. (Some include the original alien language plus translation, others just the English.)

If Ep^3-chat is good enough for Bill's boss, what's with all the hype about broadband connections?

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The winner

Apologize to Justice Dep't. Add error message: Oops! Crush Larry Ellison. Dress warmly. Lose the glasses. Buy Belgium.

-- Bob Perlman


Honorable mentions

Yes, I reinstalled. Yes, I tried the service pack. Now fix it or your Earth vacation is over.

-- David Rochberg

Preliminary tests suggest earthlings suitable as hosts for Windows 2001, however unable to allocate orifice for USB port.

-- Victor Chou

Internet connection is down. Stop. Must postpone plans for domination of earth. Stop. Please comb your hair. Stop.

-- Deb Solomon

dkpek kdiap dkpaiie qpcp dkq akldkap jpokek a;dkd papdk akdk*d dkde-d djdje bpela you&4 dkdpe adj x.s; m
Is your software bad enough so that the stupidest earth person can write a macro virus for it?

-- Rod MacDonald

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Operative Gates: Important instructions follow -- Linu`cX~F#$UdD. This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down

-- James T. Hsiao

Dear Gatesbill, The toy you sent us keeps crashing. Please advise. Remember to replicate. Change appearance if necessary.

-- Mike Riley

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Return immediately. Home planet under attack by creature with millions of independent brains. Adapts quickly, resembles gigantic penguin.

-- Ben Ostrowsky

Your aroma is arousing suspicion in the humans. Also, decrease the diameter of your head by 5 inches.

-- Rockloff

You idiot! We said "Do _not_ integrate Internet Explorer into Windows 98. It will cause too many hassles."

-- Steve Leahy

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Keep up the good work.

Muah HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

-- Steven Garrity

Fuzzy pink cotton candy clouds of joy follow you!
My life is so enriched! Thank you! Yes you!

High command pleased. Trial is excellent diversion. Earthlings never suspect Linus Torvalds one of us too. Victory assured!

-- Raphael

Wingate wingrate ingrate. Ingate ongate. Onegate onesate bonesate bonesat. Bonestay bonstay constay wonstay wontstay wontslay wontslat. Wantslat wantslate.

Kill the paperclip. Is virus. Is killing Ep^3 inhabitants. You will soon be last of us. Good luck!

-- Paul Martin

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Given your lack of reproductive organs, we are curious about your recent children-bearings. Was it the milkman?

-- Matt Ramme


Charlie Varon

Charlie Varon is a humorist and playwright. His works include "Ralph Nader Is Missing" and "Rush Limbaugh in Night School."

MORE FROM Charlie Varon

Jim Rosenau

Jim Rosenau is a writer, editor and software designer in Berkeley, Calif. Jim and Charlie are also co-founders of the citizens group Californians for Earthquake Prevention and partners in Mockingbird Media, which offers a full line of comic services.

MORE FROM Jim Rosenau


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