This is Sly's mom on crack

Also, Tarzan is from Mars, Jane has a show on E! What's air traffic control got to do with it, got to do with it? Welcome to Washington -- what are you wearing?

By Amy Reiter

Published September 13, 1999 4:00PM (EDT)

They say you can tell a lot about a guy from meeting his mom. And Sylvester Stallone's mom contends she can tell even more about you from reading your butt.

TV Guide Online reports that Stallone's astrology-minded ma, Jacqueline, is fast becoming buttocks-reader to the stars, having extended her fortune-telling biz from handprints (she was "the first one to read Arnold Palmer's feet!") to butt-prints, made by sitting on an ink-coated sheet of paper. (No ream jokes, please.)

"The crack of your behind corresponds to the division of the two hemispheres of the brain," rumpology expert Mama Stallone tells the Web site. "The buttocks represent areas of your personality. The central cleft meets the leg that divides the rump with the four quadrants that correspond to the four elements -- air, fire, water and earth."

Hmmm ... I wonder what she can tell from reading the loose marbles in her clients' heads.

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Liddy's latest Viagra victim?

"I was 38 when I joined the campaign six months ago and I turned 55 last week."

-- Ari Fleischer, Elizabeth Dole's departing spokesman, on the prematurely aging effect of stumping for Lady Liddy.

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It's a jungle out there, Marianne?

If there's one knuckle-dragger who could benefit from radio shrink Dr. Joy Browne's new advice book on male/female relations, "It's a Jungle Out There, Jane," it's ex-House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

During a press conference promoting the book and her new TV talk show, Dr. Browne told Nothing Personal she considers naughty Newtie to be the quintessential "Neanderthal," who "says one thing and does something completely different."

Her advice to the serial wife-dumper? "Look in the mirror."

President Clinton, on the other hand, is "evolving, if not evolved," says the woman her publicist describes as "like Dr. Laura, but nice." He may be "a man at war" with himself, she notes, but at least he's trying. "He seems to feel very comfortable dealing with his emotional life," diagnoses the doctor. "He's certainly powerful. The problem is he certainly has not tamed his sexuality. But I think that's part of the reason why America is so split in terms of gender about him -- why women find him, even with all the shenanigans of the last year, much more appealing than men do."

Among the notables being prescribed the little Browne pill: Hillary Clinton -- whom the doctor calls "an interesting case" -- Pamela Anderson Lee, Jenny McCarthy and all "women who are really angry about men." We assume the surplus of celebrity "male bashers" on her list of preferred readers -- including Browne's buddy Joan Rivers and cosmetic surgery poster girl Phyllis Diller (who, the doctor notes with audible distaste, has named her fictional husband "Fang") -- is merely a tragic coincidence. Surely there are those among us without publicists who could benefit from her book, which includes a chapter on coming to terms with "The Liar," as well.

Her real dream celebrity patients are not the male/female couples her book targets, though, but rather a couple of sisters: the late Judy Garland's feuding offspring Lorna Luft and Liza Minnelli. "I'd love to get those two on my show and see if we couldn't work things out," Browne says, somewhat wistfully.

Maybe someday, over the rainbow ...

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But do they like Ike?

"We used to broadcast tapes with birds' distress sounds, but we found they don't work very well -- and what the birds really hate is Tina Turner."

-- Gloucestershire airport chief fire officer Ron Johnson on how love has nothing to do with why his staff uses tapes of Tina's gravelly voice to scare birds off the runway.

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Capitol gaffe

Could have been an inside-the-Beltway, below-the-belt joke?

A widely distributed free D.C. visitors guide called "Welcome to Washington; a Guide to the Nation's Capital" contains not only an introduction signed by both GOP Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott and Democratic Minority Leader Tom Daschle, but also one heck of a typo.

The first listing in the guide's hotel section, for the Red Roof Inn, includes a toll-free reservations number, 1-800-234-6423. But Washington Post columnist Al Kamen tried it out -- as did Nothing Personal and as, I imagine, will many of you curious readers -- and heard a happily moaning gal inquire, "You want it bad? Come get it good. Dial 1-900-getmysex for wild one-on-one adventures."

Hey, it beats the White House tour.

Amy Reiter

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