Bra company sponsors "World's Biggest Breasts" contest

Winning team to receive funny looks, lifetime supply of custom-made bras.

By Hank Hyena
Published November 10, 1999 5:00PM (EST)

Nov. 10, 1999

Who's got the most colossal mammary glands on the planet? And is that great bosom cozily contained, or busting out of cramped cups, completely runneth over with flesh? Personal Beauty Unlimited wants to know.

The Clearwater, Fla., brassiere manufacturer is currently sponsoring a cleavage contest to determine the globe's hugest hooters, notes a Tuesday blurb on the PR Newswire. Company president Victoria Morton promises to construct a lifetime supply of custom-designed contraptions for the very voluptuous winner.

"Silicone or saline implants are automatically disqualified," Morton informed Naked World. "We want an all-natural, real-busted woman. We'll make her a comfortable bra that will instantly relieve her back pain."

Enormously endowed women who want to enter this titanic contest can apply at the Web site, or they can call in their curves at (800) 221-6793.

"Right now the biggest size that's been entered is a 58K," Morton revealed. "She'd love our bras; they're designed like a suspension bridge, but without the wires."

Morton's telephone is jiggling off the hook with bounteous females bouncing in their dimensions. Applications are certainly stacking up! Obviously, Morton hopes the ballooning interest will also entice less chest-prodigious women into inspecting her array of more diminutive bras.

"We offer 14 cup sizes and 210 stock sizes," she explains. "Most bras out there are designed by men; they make women miserable and they decrease breast size by pushing tissue off to the sides or towards the stomach. Our 'It's All You' bra does the opposite: It repositions excess torso tissue by packing it into the cup. I watched a client last year go from a 36A to an incredible 30DD."

Morton, 63, maintains that her own breasts are higher, firmer and larger than they were 30 years ago, thanks to their customized enshrinement. Small breasts expanding? Large lactates packed perfectly? If Personal Beauty Unlimited's claims are true, it's great news for boobaphiles.

Will 58K be the winner? It's only the first day; perhaps there's a 62M or a 70P out there, waiting to lean into the prize. I'll definitely keep readers abreast of any developments.

Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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