Satan makes me view Web porn

A year after Internet porn surfing cost him his tax-department job, David Stein fingers the Prince of Darkness.

Published November 17, 1999 5:00PM (EST)

Nov. 17, 1999

"It was temptation by Satan, of course," protests David Stein, 44. The New Mexico state employee fired in December 1998 for accessing credit-card Web porn from his tax-department work site is now blaming his own horny error on Lucifer, notes an article in the Nov. 12 Santa Fe New Mexican.

The born-again Christian is appealing his dismissal despite his earlier confession that he did "look at some pictures and stuff" once because he was curious about "what kind of smut was available out there ... you know, so I could stay away from it."

What's wrong with that sentence, Dave?

Stein laments that he became trapped in an "endless loop" of demonic filth as he frantically pressed the "back" button on his browser. "It just kept taking me deeper and deeper," he shudders. To combat the erotic cyber-spawn of Beelzebub, Stein eventually shut off his computer.

His maniacally wicked fingers returned to the heinous hobby one hour later, though, because "Satan told me to check it out some more." Stein testifies that he might have been targeted by the Lord of Hell because, "The stronger you are as a Christian, the more Satan works on you because he fears losing his grip on you."

Kenneth Berard, the administrative law judge who presided over the ungodly case earlier this year, believes Stein has "concealed the truth." Computer printouts indicate that the naughty nerd evilly penetrated non-work-related Web sites on 12 separate days -- one for each apostle? -- and carnally clicked up more than 1,000 nasty hits.

Is Stein lying because he's a pawn of the Underworld, with El Diablo twisting his tongue? Is a red tail sprouting out of his buttocks? Will he menace the entire Southwest?

Truth is, the surfing sinner just needs a job; he's been unable to land full-time employment since his firing. If his "possessed by a perfidious entity" appeal succeeds, he'll get back pay, benefits and his old position.

Maybe an exorcism should be included, too?

By Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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