Gobs of groupie sex

Look out, Wilt -- Alanis Morissette and Dustin Hoffman say they bagged their share of fans.

By Hank Hyena

Published November 23, 1999 5:00PM (EST)

Nov. 23, 1999

Do rock stars and film idols pound more pubis than ordinary mortals, even if their ballads are neurotically twisted and their best movie characterizations are of homely losers? Apparently, YES!

Songstress Alanis Morissette is far simpler in the sack than her sex lamentations indicate, if gossip from the Nov. 19 Ottawa Sun is reliable. The pretty platinum-selling popster with the perennially pissed-off attitude started a contest with her bandmates "to see who could sleep with the most people" on her "Jagged Little Pill" tour, notes a text bubble on the "Thank U" pop-up video that is currently playing on MuchMusic in Canada.

Morissette's libido must be loose and lustful if she dared to duel with the instruments of her accompanying quartet, which was confidently named Sexual Chocolate. The musicians -- Taylor Hawkins, Jess Tobias, Nick Lashley, Chris Chang -- evidently rose boldly to meet her challenge; when the bedpost notches were tallied up, Alanis placed only third.

Did any of her conquests include going down on a theater companion, as she did lyrically on her naughty hit "You Oughta Know"? That answer is not yet available.

Dustin Hoffman also nailed huge numbers of nookie in his prime, notes a Nov. 15 article in the Evening Standard of London. "If anyone thinks Jack Nicholson and I got laid less than Warren Beatty when we were single, they're wrong," the actor proclaimed to his interviewer.

The wretched Ratso of "Midnight Cowboy" and transvestite schmuck of "Tootsie" also described his elderly erections. Comparing penis-angles to the hands of a clock, he noted that 21-year-olds can achieve high noon, but "By the time you're ... 61 [his age], it's a 3 o'clock."

Hoffman, who hasn't played a sexy lead role since 1970's "The Graduate," recently purchased rights to the novel "Personal Injuries" by Scott Turow. His intention is to cast himself as main man Robbie Feaver, who is "a rascal, a womanizer."

He'll direct himself in this obvious nostalgia for earlier days, when Warren, Jack and his own wry rod could aim straight up to 12.

Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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