The rise and fall of German horndogs

Viagra-popping sex tourists are getting stiff and becoming stiffs in Thai brothels.

By Hank Hyena

Published November 24, 1999 5:00PM (EST)

Nov. 24, 1999

Hard-on heart attacks are killing sex-holiday German studs in record numbers this year, claims an article in the Nov. 14 the Nation (Bangkok). Erect, aging lotharios who mix stimulating Viagra with cold steins of Singha beer, humid climate and strenuous Thai brothel-boinking are blasting their horny hearts to death.

At least 120 German visitors will get delivered back to der Deutschland in either "a coffin or an urn" in 1999, a cadaver-count that exceeds last years by 20 percent. Approximately 30 percent of these casualties were discovered with "miracle worker" Viagra in their bawdy bloodstreams, usually swallowed to impress the prostitutes.

Ten French croaked in Thailand this year, and 61 Britons bit the tropical dust. The British visited this Siamese kingdom in vaster numbers than the 500,000 Germans, but the latter left twice as many corpses because they party much "harder." Ninety percent of Thailand's sex tourism clients are German, Dutch and Scandinavian men.

Viagra costs $27 per pill in Thailand, and it's available over the counter. Bavarians, Berliners and Hamburgers are obviously ingesting it without consulting a physician first, who would warn them of lethal cardiac consequences. Half or even a quarter of the little blue pill is often sufficient to spring an organ into stout action; exceeding this can result in suicidal stimulation.

An annoyed, anonymous German Embassy official complained about his deceased countrymen's mentality: "These elderly gentlemen ... think they are Apollos, and they are not. They drink beer, take Viagra and jump around ... We don't want them to die here ... but obviously, these people aren't too intelligent."

A related report indicates that the number of mentally disturbed Germans visiting Thailand soared 30 percent in 1999. Some of the crazies discontinue their medication when they arrive and the wild Bangkok night life quickly leads them into insane legal troubles.

Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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