Crippled masturbator sues and wins!

When a Florida phone-sex worker developed carpal tunnel syndrome in each of her busy hands, she took the case to court. Now she gets her satisfaction from workers' compensation checks.

By Hank Hyena

Published November 29, 1999 5:00PM (EST)

Nov. 29, 1999

Have you ever wounded yourself by wanking too much? Stroked your sex
glands until you were suffering? A Fort Lauderdale, Fla., woman who frigged her
clitoris seven times a day has crippled both of her busy hands with carpal
tunnel syndrome, also known as repetitive motion injury.

The unnamed 40-year-old muff-mauler was a phone-sex operator who gave
herself orgasms to please her listening clientele, notes the Nov. 19
Reuters report. One hand cradled the telephone so she could moan and talk
dirty, while the other hand friskily fingered her femininity into a climax.
Turgid clients listened raptly to her ecstasy while whacking their meat

Alas! This idyllic scenario ended when both of our diddling damsel's
nub-rubbing paws became disabled with pain that impelled her to abandon her
orgasms, and subsequently, her job. A neurosurgical operation on her hurt
hands also left her with medical bills totaling $30,000.

Pauperdom was avoided when attorney Steven Slootsky helped the handicapped
finger-slider file a petition for workers' compensation benefits with
Florida's Department of Labor and Employment Security. Reimbursement for
the medical bills was requested, plus back pay of $267 a week. In early
November, our gushing protagonist successfully received a settlement for an
undisclosed amount.

This news will tickle people who play with themselves professionally, but
I'm worried: Will other carpal tunnel victims face legal resistance now
when they blame their sore wrists on typing? Will insurance lawyers
ascribe their condition to at-home crotch-cuddling instead of a keyboard?

Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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