And now a word from our readers

Welcome to the First Annual Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards! Where you dish the gossip and I go on vacation!


Amy Reiter
December 24, 1999 10:00PM (UTC)

A few weeks ago, here in this very column, I put before you a tasty array of questions. And faster than Jason Priestley can say, "I swear I wasn't drunk, Your Honor," the answers started rolling in.

My suspicions are confirmed: You guys are a bunch of sick twists. And so, without further ado, I bring you the 1999 Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.

Advertisement:

1) The celebrity you deem most likely to have named a body part:

The winner is ... Celeb: Mike Myers. Part: Schlong. Moniker: "Mini Me."

Honorable mentions: Sylvester "Rocky" Stallone's cojones: "Pebbles," Marilyn Manson's breasts: "Publicity" and "Stunt," Ricky Martin's booty: "Dinero," Monica Lewinsky's privates: "Humidor," Mick Jagger's lips: "IMAX."

2) The celebrity you'd most like to have make your dreams come true:

The winner (at least the weirdest) is ... The Rev. Jerry Falwell: "My recurring dream is that Jerry Falwell has undergone male to female transexual surgery. The new Falwell changes his, I mean her, name to the Divine Reverend Ms. J and holds a press conference to tell the world that during a previous life she was the Ms. J. who wrote the Bible."

Honorable mentions: "Heather Locklear in the library with some booster cables," John Waters: "I can't think of anyone I would rather have buy me a headstone," "I'd love to have Hunter S. Thompson come apply for a job at my company," Alex Trebek: "I just want to see him be humiliated."

Advertisement:

3) The celebrity for whom you'd least like to be a houseboy/girl:

The winner is ... Martha Stewart. The sentiments of many as expressed by one reader: "I would rather eat glass than be a houseboy for Martha Stewart."

Honorable mentions: Madonna, Leona Helmsley: "I read somewhere her staff used to get revenge by dipping their genitals in her drinking water," Michael Jackson: "There are some things nobody needs to witness," David E. Kelley: "'C'mon, be quirky,' he screams to a sobbing, emotionally spent, terribly underfed staff," Robin Williams: "All those piles of fallen body hair," Joan Rivers: "I'd get sick of the last-minute runs to Sherwin-Williams and that heady stench of turpentine," Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra: "I might get caught in the crossfire ... and besides, hair-dye stains are a horror to get out of fabric."

4) The celebrity you most suspect is crusty on the outside, lusty on the inside:

The winners are ... Janet Reno and Barbara Walters, in a tie.

Honorable mentions: Martha Stewart: "Nipple clamps: It's a good thing," George W. Bush: "It's not that I think he bucks like a bronco, no, but there's something slow about him, a sort of all-consuming introspection that barely pays attention to the outside world but returns from the inner self with nothing. Is it tantric?" Marilyn Quayle: "Bet she's a demon with a whip, baby."

Advertisement:

5) The celebrity you consider most likely to liven up a Y2K party, Matthew McConaughey-style:

The winner is ... Woody Harrelson.

Honorable mentions: Alan Keyes, Demi Moore: "But she probably wouldn't get into the nude bongo solo unless she were in her second or third trimester."

Advertisement:

6) The celebrity you'd least like to hear croak out a song:

The winner is ... Harvey Fierstein.

Honorable mentions: Fran Drescher, Joe Pesci, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ernest Borgnine and William Shatner: "Ever heard his album? Ugh! Beam me up, Scotty -- fast!"

Advertisement:

7) The celebrity you'd most want to take lessons from:

The winner is ... Alice Cooper, golf.

Honorable mentions: Muhammad Ali, "How to be a champ without looking like a chump," Steve Forbes: "Ten steps to looking permanently goofy," Al Gore: "Charisma lessons," "Posture lessons from Patrick Stewart."

8) The celebrity whose insurance policy you'd most like to be named "beneficiary" on:

Advertisement:

The winner is ... Anna Nicole Smith: "Gravity is a law, you know."

Honorable mention: "Bill Clinton -- on a 'dismemberment' policy."

9) The washed-up star you think would most benefit from a Web-a-thon?

The winner is ... Leif Garrett: "I'd pay at least $70 for that leather racing suit he wore in 'Skate Out.'"

Advertisement:

Honorable mentions: Mr. T, Bob Denver, Robert Downey Jr., Sally Struthers: "We could always have a food drive," Joey Heatherton: "I'd buy one of her shag wigs in a second, baby!" Heidi Fleiss, Joyce DeWitt.

10) Holy-rolling politician you most suspect of leading a secret double life:

The winner is (overwhelmingly) ... Pat Robertson: "Is it too much to suspect that Pat Robertson owns a string of Southeast Asian porn studios? Cross-shaped bikini waxes on nasty Philippine lesbians isn't such a stretch."

Honorable mentions: Jesse Helms, Jerry Falwell, Trent Lott and Hillary Clinton.

Advertisement:

NP would like to extend its deepest congratulations to all the winners -- gobsmacked, I'm sure -- and thanks to those of you who chose them.

And now, a very special dance number by Debbie Allen.


Amy Reiter

MORE FROM Amy Reiter

BROWSE SALON.COM
COMPLETELY AD FREE,
FOR THE NEXT HOUR

Read Now, Pay Later - no upfront
registration for 1-Hour Access

Click Here
7-Day Access and Monthly
Subscriptions also available
No tracking or personal data collection
beyond name and email address

•••






Fearless journalism
in your inbox every day

Sign up for our free newsletter

• • •