A few weeks ago, here in this very column, I put before you a tasty array of questions. And faster than Jason Priestley can say, "I swear I wasn't drunk, Your Honor," the answers started rolling in.
My suspicions are confirmed: You guys are a bunch of sick twists. And so, without further ado, I bring you the 1999 Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.
1) The celebrity you deem most likely to have named a body part:
The winner is ... Celeb: Mike Myers. Part: Schlong. Moniker: "Mini Me."
Honorable mentions: Sylvester "Rocky" Stallone's cojones: "Pebbles," Marilyn Manson's breasts: "Publicity" and "Stunt," Ricky Martin's booty: "Dinero," Monica Lewinsky's privates: "Humidor," Mick Jagger's lips: "IMAX."
2) The celebrity you'd most like to have make your dreams come true:
The winner (at least the weirdest) is ... The Rev. Jerry Falwell: "My recurring dream is that Jerry Falwell has undergone male to female transexual surgery. The new Falwell changes his, I mean her, name to the Divine Reverend Ms. J and holds a press conference to tell the world that during a previous life she was the Ms. J. who wrote the Bible."
Honorable mentions: "Heather Locklear in the library with some booster cables," John Waters: "I can't think of anyone I would rather have buy me a headstone," "I'd love to have Hunter S. Thompson come apply for a job at my company," Alex Trebek: "I just want to see him be humiliated."
3) The celebrity for whom you'd least like to be a houseboy/girl:
The winner is ... Martha Stewart. The sentiments of many as expressed by one reader: "I would rather eat glass than be a houseboy for Martha Stewart."
Honorable mentions: Madonna, Leona Helmsley: "I read somewhere her staff used to get revenge by dipping their genitals in her drinking water," Michael Jackson: "There are some things nobody needs to witness," David E. Kelley: "'C'mon, be quirky,' he screams to a sobbing, emotionally spent, terribly underfed staff," Robin Williams: "All those piles of fallen body hair," Joan Rivers: "I'd get sick of the last-minute runs to Sherwin-Williams and that heady stench of turpentine," Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra: "I might get caught in the crossfire ... and besides, hair-dye stains are a horror to get out of fabric."
4) The celebrity you most suspect is crusty on the outside, lusty on the inside:
The winners are ... Janet Reno and Barbara Walters, in a tie.
Honorable mentions: Martha Stewart: "Nipple clamps: It's a good thing," George W. Bush: "It's not that I think he bucks like a bronco, no, but there's something slow about him, a sort of all-consuming introspection that barely pays attention to the outside world but returns from the inner self with nothing. Is it tantric?" Marilyn Quayle: "Bet she's a demon with a whip, baby."
5) The celebrity you consider most likely to liven up a Y2K party, Matthew McConaughey-style:
The winner is ... Woody Harrelson.
Honorable mentions: Alan Keyes, Demi Moore: "But she probably wouldn't get into the nude bongo solo unless she were in her second or third trimester."
6) The celebrity you'd least like to hear croak out a song:
The winner is ... Harvey Fierstein.
Honorable mentions: Fran Drescher, Joe Pesci, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ernest Borgnine and William Shatner: "Ever heard his album? Ugh! Beam me up, Scotty -- fast!"
7) The celebrity you'd most want to take lessons from:
The winner is ... Alice Cooper, golf.
Honorable mentions: Muhammad Ali, "How to be a champ without looking like a chump," Steve Forbes: "Ten steps to looking permanently goofy," Al Gore: "Charisma lessons," "Posture lessons from Patrick Stewart."
8) The celebrity whose insurance policy you'd most like to be named "beneficiary" on:
The winner is ... Anna Nicole Smith: "Gravity is a law, you know."
Honorable mention: "Bill Clinton -- on a 'dismemberment' policy."
9) The washed-up star you think would most benefit from a Web-a-thon?
The winner is ... Leif Garrett: "I'd pay at least $70 for that leather racing suit he wore in 'Skate Out.'"
Honorable mentions: Mr. T, Bob Denver, Robert Downey Jr., Sally Struthers: "We could always have a food drive," Joey Heatherton: "I'd buy one of her shag wigs in a second, baby!" Heidi Fleiss, Joyce DeWitt.
10) Holy-rolling politician you most suspect of leading a secret double life:
The winner is (overwhelmingly) ... Pat Robertson: "Is it too much to suspect that Pat Robertson owns a string of Southeast Asian porn studios? Cross-shaped bikini waxes on nasty Philippine lesbians isn't such a stretch."
Honorable mentions: Jesse Helms, Jerry Falwell, Trent Lott and Hillary Clinton.
NP would like to extend its deepest congratulations to all the winners -- gobsmacked, I'm sure -- and thanks to those of you who chose them.
And now, a very special dance number by Debbie Allen.