Bear-naked video!

China is worried that its rare pandas aren't interested in sex, so they are showing them panda porn.

By Jack Boulware
Published April 21, 2000 4:00PM (EDT)

In sex shops and via the Internet, we may now nosh from a heaping banquet of smut for every taste: straight sex, gay sex, group sex, cross-dressing sex, sex with high heels, sex with cucumbers, sex with whips and chains, sex with cheerleaders, sex with midgets and amputees, sex with grown people wearing diapers, sex while swimming around in pork and beans. And the newest addition? Panda porn.

But there's one catch. This porn is actually meant for pandas.

The cuddly black and white animals have a pesky habit of refusing to reproduce, especially in captivity. It's not that they mate too quickly. They simply aren't interested in sex. And so researchers in China have made the pandas instructional videos to show them how to scrump.

According to Chinese news sources, panda experts have had to resort to artificial insemination just to keep the species alive, and have even established panda sperm banks. The panda is considered China's national treasure, but populations are decreasing, and the clock is running. Pandas need to start mating, and they need to start now.

Although normal female pandas can become pregnant after mating for just 21 seconds, this doesn't seem to help, according to a recent report from the Wolong panda research center in southwestern Sichuan province: "Research has shown that more than 60 percent of mature pandas [at the center] have not shown any signs of being aroused," the report said.

Viagra may be well and good for U.S. senators, but the panda center has refused numerous offers from pharmaceutical companies to donate Viagra and aphrodisiacs. Panda handlers instead want to boost the animals' sexual activity in a more natural way, by improving their environment and nutritional conditions.

And playing them porn videos.

Theoretically, the viewing scenario might go something like this: Panda center employees lug a television monitor into a panda pen (preferably a big-screen model), start the video and use food to lure the animals into viewing range. Zoo pandas would then walk over to the monitor, sit down on their haunches and watch the images in rapt attention, making the occasional mental note.

The full-color video would open with a female panda sitting by herself under a tree. She is soon surprised by a male panda wearing a cowboy hat and nudging a pizza box in front of him. The female panda looks at the male's genitalia and smiles. A wah-wah guitar riff accompanied by a high-hat fades up on the audio track, accompanying the lyrics "Boo-gie panda! Got-ta boo-gie down!" The two begin nuzzling each other, then engage in excruciatingly slow foreplay, both trembling with anticipation.

Keeping her eyes locked on the male's eyes, the female moves her front paws down his body and starts performing oral sex on him. They enjoy a brief "69" position, and then mount one another for the homestretch, the male thrusting his furry yet well-muscled hips with piston-like insistence, the female clawing the dirt and issuing guttural moans, until a joyous eruption of shrieks and moans (translated as "Oh God! Oh God! Give it to me Daddy!") echoes throughout the panda center.

The male panda then exhales loudly through his nostrils, rolls off the female, stretches out onto his back and shuts his eyes, leaving the female still on all fours, panting and looking off into the distance, thinking "Well, sure, it tingles a bit, but is this really all there is?"

Unfortunately, her needs aren't of concern, as long as it lasts at least 21 seconds.

Jack Boulware

Jack Boulware is a writer in San Francisco and author of "San Francisco Bizarro" and "Sex American Style."

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