Being married has its upside for sure. I love sleeping next to a warm body. But man, some days, it's hard to get my nut. She's on her work schedule. I'm on mine. We don't see each other awake. Or we have a night together but the bills have just come in, so we've been nagging each other for hours. We can light as many scented candles as we want -- we're still tense.
So to make a long story short, I get up in the morning and my balls are so blue I almost can't walk. And she's sleeping and I want to just slip it into her right there and not even wake her. But let's face it, that's not going to happen. So I do what I have to do. Get in that shower, soap it up and pound it. Pound it fast and pound it sure. Get that release. Squeeze those little critters out of my third leg and onto the wall. If you catch my drift. It's like blowing my nose, or like getting an enema. I mean it's something I have to do in the morning, or I'm no good at work all day. It's a health thing.
Eric Bogosian's new book is "Operation Nemesis: The Assassination Plot that Avenged the Armenian Genocide" (Little Brown). He is best known as a playwright, novelist and actor. He wrote and starred in the play, "Talk Radio" (NYSF - 1987; on Broadway starring Liev Schreiber- 2007), for which he was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize and the Tony award. For his film adaptation of the play, Bogosian received the Berlin Film Festival "Silver Bear." His six solo performances Off-Broadway between 1980 and 2000, (including "Drinking in America", "Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll" and "Wake Up and Smell the Coffee") received three Obie awards. In addition to "Talk Radio", Bogosian has written a number of full-length plays including "subUrbia" (LCT, Second Stage, also adapted to film), "Griller" (Goodman), "Red Angel" (Williamstown Theater Festival), "Humpty Dumpty" (The McCarter), 1+1 (New York Stage and Film). He is also the author of three novels, "Mall", "Wasted Beauty" and "Perforated Heart" and a novella, "Notes from Underground." He is a Guggenheim fellow.