Nuts to that!

Ballsy caddie wants $155 million from Michael Douglas after golfball-testicle accident; reluctant singer Gwyneth Paltrow deprives nation's landfills of precious CDs. Plus: David Bowie and Iman have a baby.

By Amy Reiter
Published August 16, 2000 4:19PM (EDT)

No doubt new dad Michael Douglas knows the value of a good testicle. But if you ask me, $155 million seems a little on pricey side.

That's the sum a golf caddie named James Parker is looking to collect from Douglas as compensation for the loss of his left nut. Parker blames Douglas for hitting the golf shot that bogeyed him right in the ball at the Elmwood Country Club in White Plains, N.Y., two years back.

But Douglas says it was his golfing buddy Mark Drach, not he, who nailed the caddie's unprotected gonad, rupturing it and leading to its eventual removal. And as the nutty case nears its trial date, Maximum Golf has seen fit to publish the details of Douglas' deposition in its upcoming issue.

Asked what sort of ball Drach hit, Douglas replied he hit "a liner."

"There are liners and there are liners, sir. I am not trying to be facetious," said the lawyer. "There are some people that hit a liner so low to the grass they are almost called grass-cutters. Some hit them 5 or 6 feet off the ground. What is your best recollection as to the type of hit it was?"

"He hit what we call somewhat of a duck hook," Douglas recalled. "He hit it low and hard."

Pow! Right in poor Parker's personal sand trap.

You can uncross your legs now.

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Dressed to kill

"The terrorists in America are so right-wing, and they dress so badly. It's all that camouflage. At least left-wing terrorists have a 'look.' But the right-wing terrorists don't even know how to do it right. They just keep dressing like Patton."

-- John Waters, on fascist fashion faux pas.

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That's the power of Paltrow

Guess what? You've got more to be grateful for than the fact that you weren't the one to get castrated by Michael Douglas' troop of dubious duffers.

Here's some more good news: Gwyneth Paltrow has decided not to embark on a full-fledged recording career.

No thanks to Huey Lewis, with whom the actress collaborated on one of three songs she sang on the soundtrack of the film "Duets," which is directed by her dad, Bruce Paltrow.

"Huey very quickly was becoming my musical manager and advice giver," Paltrow told USA Today. "He would say, 'You have to make a record,' and I'd say, 'I'm just happy to sing with you, Huey.' I've got my hands full with my day job. I don't think I want to ever do a record."

In other words, Huey: This is it -- she's letting you know.

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Juicy bits

A playmate for little Rocco Ritchie? In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, Iman birthed a baby girl, Alexandria Zahra Jones. Proud papa David Bowie was on hand to cut the umbilical cord. According to a spokesman, "Both parents are of course overjoyed." And the rest of us (presumably including Bowie's 28-year-old son, Duncan Jones, nie Zowie Bowie, are just relieved he didn't name her, say, Chloe.

So much for "no fences." The Garth Brooks Museum -- in Brooks' home in Nashville, Tenn. -- may soon be open to visitors. But only if his neighbors consent. "Getting the support of his neighbors is absolutely essential," the country singer's lawyer, Chris Maddox, told the BBC. "Garth will not go ahead with this unless they approve." Another Brooks spokesman said the museum would provide "an opportunity for folks to view the home and the barn and see the personal effects of Garth and Sandy and kind of capture in time their home life." Chris Gaines, docent?

If you think George Clooney is unaware of his charisma and good looks, think again. "High Fidelity" scribe Nick Hornby told a group of London filmgoers that Clooney turned down the lead role in a film based on his book "About a Boy," onaccounta his babe-magnetism, reports the U.K. Sunday Mercury. "George read the book," said Hornby. "He said nobody would believe he would need to join a single parents group" to meet women. Get John Cusack on the phone -- stat!

Amy Reiter

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Celebrity George Clooney John Waters Nick Hornby