End of summer quiz

Have you been paying attention? Come, test your knowledge of Joe Lieberman, Hollywood lesbians and a Rat named Kelly.

By Modern Humorist
September 6, 2000 12:59AM (UTC)
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1. The biggest gross-out moment of the summer was:

a. the beheading in "Gladiator"
b. the rat-eating in "Survivor"
c. any sequence from "Scary Movie"
d. Dick Cheney's retirement package

2. Joseph Lieberman is:

a. the third castaway to be kicked off the island
b. the inspiration for "The Real Slim Shady"
c. George W. Bush's Latino nephew
d. the first person from Connecticut to be welcomed with open arms into a national presidential campaign


3. You are stranded on a tropical island with 15 other castaways and 22 television cameramen. You have 8 10-pound bags of rice. Each cup of rice, when cooked in laundry water, is enough for one meal for one person. You've decided to ration the rice so that it will last for 39 days. When you get voted off the island, how many days will it take for Playboy to contact you about posing nude?

a. 2
b. 3
c. 1
d. 4

4. Protestors at the Republican Convention were involved in the following activities:


a. Making giant puppets
b. Driving a red bus full of snakes, iguanas, scorpions and poisonous toads
c. Bingeing on cheesesteaks
d. Fighting to reduce the marriage penalty paid by many two-income couples by allowing a deduction of 10 percent of the lower-earning spouse's salary

5. Which, of the following, was a real event at the Democratic Convention in Los Angeles:

a. Salute to Irish Americans
b. Jews! Aren't They Great?
c. Yay for Black People
d. Kiss a Homosexual for UNICEF


6. Which of these?:

a. Bank of America Reception
b. Wells Fargo Reception
c. Fort Knox Reception
d. Honestly, Anyone With Piles and Piles of Cash Reception

7. What is this?

a. rubble found amidst the Montana wildfires
b. Bobby Flay's losing dish on "Iron Chef"
c. a Firestone tire, post-blowout
d. Frank Gehry's design for Paul Allen's Experience Music Project


8. Fill in the blanks in the following Eminem lyrics: Don't you get it b___, no one can hear you? Now shut the ____ up and get what's comin' to you.

a. c***, s*****
b. m*****, f*****
c. f***
d. c***

9. What is this?

a. the cutting edge in motorless transportation
b. a charming retro throwback to the days before Playstation 2 and crystal meth
c. Ralph Nader's campaign bus
d. Sooo over.


10. All Hollywood couples break up. Some lesbian couples break up. Some Hollywood couples are lesbians. Anne and Ellen are a Hollywood couple. Therefore:

a. all lesbians will break up
b. all Hollywood couples are lesbians
c. all lesbians are Hollywood couples
d. Anne will move in with Vince Vaughn

11. Madonna: Guy::


a: Meg: Dennis
b: Meg: Russell
c. Russell: Dennis
d. M:I-2

12. Susan has $70. CDs usually cost $15.98 each, but if you buy three CDs, you will get a fourth for half-price. The Tower Records near Susan's house is having a 15 percent off sale. Susan wants the new Limp Bizkit, Christina Aguilera, Macy Gray and the "Coyote Ugly" soundtrack. How much will she have to pay if she downloads everything from Napster?

a. $68.77
b. $63.80
c. $55.93
d. $0 (connection charges may apply)

Reading Comprehension


Read the following passage and answer the questions afterwards.

If I ever pass you along in life again and you were laying there dying of thirst, I would not give you a glass of water. I would let the vultures take you and do whatever they want with you, with no ill regrets. I plead to the jury tonight to think about the island that we have been on. This island is pretty much full of only two things: snakes and rats. And in the end of Mother Nature we have Richard the Snake, who knowingly went after prey, and Kelly, who turned into the rat that ran around like the rats do on this island, trying to run from the snake. I feel we owe it to the island's spirits that we have learned to come to know to let it be in the end the way Mother Nature intended it to be: for the snake to eat the rat.

13. Kelly is:

a. a vulture
b. a rat
c. glad she wasn't on "Big Brother"
d. opening a mall in Carson City, Nev., this very moment


14. The person speaking is:
a. a sore loser
b. a self-proclaimed redneck
c. planning to write a tell-all e-book
d. Kathie Lee's replacement

15. The wedding of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston featured which of the following:

a. $20,000 worth of fireworks
b. a solid gold wedding cake
c. Karaoke from the cast of "Friends" ($750,000 a song)
d. Russell Crowe breaking up relationships left and right

Sentence completion


16. "This administration had its chance. They have not led. We _____."

a. will not, either
b. will bury you
c. will rock you
d. are the world

17. "If you entrust me with the presidency, I know I won't always be the most exciting politician. But I pledge to you tonight, I will work for you every day, and I will never_______."

a. shut up
b. let you down
c. pay a lot for this muffler
d. kill again

Please keep your answers covered. We'll be by to pick them up later.

Modern Humorist

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