Goofus and Gallant

Chapter 3: Vice President Gallant likes numbers. Lots and lots of numbers.

By Jake Tapper

Published October 24, 2000 8:44PM (EDT)

Gov. Goofus pretends that he likes to play with all sorts of different people, and not just his friends.

GOOFUS: "I brought Republicans and Democrats together to do just that in the State of Texas to get a patients' bill of rights through ... We are one of the first states that said you can sue an HMO for denying you proper coverage."

Vice President Gallant recognizes that Goofus is not telling the truth, and tries to get him to admit it by using political jargon no one at home could possibly understand.

GALLANT: "What about the Dingell-Norwood bill?!"

Gov. Goofus is full of platitudes that really don't actually mean anything.

GOOFUS: "Well, you know, it's hard to make people love one another. I wish I knew the law because I would darn sure sign it. I wish I knew the law that said all of us would be good parents."

Vice President Gallant, like an insurance salesman or a mortgage broker, helpfully recites lots of numbers and statistics to support his arguments. Lots of numbers.

GALLANT: "If you make less than $60,000 a year and you decide to invest $1,000 in a savings account, you'll get a tax credit which means in essence that the federal government will match your $1,000 with another $1,000. If you make less than $30,000 a year and you put $500 in a savings account, the federal government will match it with $1,500. If you make more than $60,000 and up to 100 you'll get a match but not as generous."

Gov. Goofus says whatever comes to mind, even though it sometimes makes him seem stupid.

GOOFUS: "Insurance -- that's a Washington term."

Vice President Gallant is a keen observer, and helpfully points out his family's perfect attendance at the presidential debates.

GALLANT: "Tipper and I have four children. And God bless them, every one of them decided on their own to come here this evening."

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Jake Tapper

Jake Tapper is the senior White House correspondent for ABC News.

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