Queer world domination

The corporate consolidation of PlanetOut and Gay.com is only the beginning of gay merger mania.

By David Tuller

Published November 21, 2000 8:30PM (EST)

So I browse through yesterday's mail and notice my latest mortgage statement. Seems I forgot to send out my last payment and I now owe PlanetOutGay.comBankofAmerica a $150 late fee -- unless, that is, I purchase 10 gift subscriptions to PlanetOutGay.comAdvocateOutMagazine, in which case it'll slice the fee in half.

I grab my PlanetOutGay.comStarbucks coffee mug and take a few sips to mull over the offer. The coffee tastes bitter and stale, so I toss it and brew a little more in my fabulous new PlanetOutGay.comBraun coffee maker. Then I sit down with my PlanetOutGay.comNewYorkTimes and catch the latest news in the Bush-Gore battle for the electoral votes from PlanetOutGay.comFlorida.

I head outside and draw the sparkling air deep into my lungs. I look around. I've forgotten where I parked my PlanetOutGay.comHondaAccord, so I pull out my PlanetOutGay.comPalmPilot and punch in a few figures. I always record where I've parked in my PlanetOutGay.comPalmPilot because I'm pretty absent-minded about these things. It turns out the car's right in front of the PlanetOutGay.comBen&Jerry's outlet on Castro Street, so I decide to get a cone of PlanetOutGay.comCherryGarcia.

I smile politely at the guy who asks me to sign the petition demanding to have the block renamed PlanetOutGay.comCastroStreet. Of course I agree willingly, and then head into the nearby PlanetOutGay.comWalgreens to pick up my PlanetOutGay.comProzac prescription.

I've felt so much better ever since my internist at PlanetOutGay.comKaiserPermanente recommended it -- so relaxed that I feel much less anxious about spending all my time browsing through the incredible chat rooms on PlanetOutGay.com. Sometimes I actually meet some hunky guy in the chat rooms, and if that happens I run out after grabbing my PlanetOutGay.comTrojans, PlanetOutGay.comK-Y lubricant and a few choice PlanetOutGay.comColt videos that I've picked up from PlanetOutGay.comBlockbuster.

Since my PlanetOutGay.comProzac does somewhat hinder my erectile functioning, I also make sure I've taken some PlanetOutGay.comViagra. Then, depending upon my mood -- nasty or casual -- I'll either grab my tight leather vest from PlanetOutGay.comLeatherWorks or that charcoal-gray sports shirt from PlanetOutGay.comBananaRepublic.

Anyway, enough about that. It's getting late; I've finished my coffee, and it's time for me to head into the PlanetOutGay.comSalon.com offices for my new position as a senior editor. I just started this job a month ago. It's a terrific place to work, and I'm so grateful to be here.

David Tuller

David Tuller is a contributing writer at Salon. He is the author of "Cracks in the Iron Closet: Travels in Gay and Lesbian Russia."

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