With a thong in their heart

Carnie Wilson gets spanked, Randy Newman gets confused and Sisquo takes home the gold at the Billboard Music Awards.

By Suzy Hansen

Published December 8, 2000 11:18PM (EST)

Tuesday, Dec. 5
"The Billboard Music Awards" (Fox, 7 p.m.)

Dear Diary:

I guess this is what happens when your music awards show has to follow MTV's music awards show. It's a lot to live up to.

Last night on the Billboard Music Awards, Sisqo was the big winner (he got six awards) and was very excited about it and along with his lawyers and managers, he thanked a black thong-th-thong-thong that he had with him for his good fortune. He also ensured that if we ever see him again it will be on one of those VH1 one-hit wonder countdowns, right after Sir Mix-a-Lot.

But for now, he's Male Artist of the Year. 98 Degrees introduced Carnie Wilson by saying how wonderful it was that she lost 150 pounds. The singer appeared and said that, naturally, after losing all that weight, she was really horny and would like each of the four hulking frat boy crooners to smack her on her butt. Really.

Oh, and Barry Williams, aka the Real Greg Brady, was there. But he didn't get to smack anyone's ass. Instead, he made fun of Eminem's performance on the MTV Video Music Awards. About 50 guys dressed up as Greg Brady marched through the theater behind Williams, he lip-synching and giving high-fives to everyone in the crowd, including L.L. Cool J., who was nodding and smiling.

The rap artist Mystikal gave a Mardi Gras, purple-and-gold-inspired performance (he's from New Orleans) and looked cool and tough while scantily-clad dancers jiggled and grabbed themselves and tried to make him seem attractive.

Other attendees seemed bewildered, like Sheryl Crow and Don Henley and Randy Newman, who won the Century Award and called Mystikal's performance "painful." He also wondered -- out loud -- if the singers there that evening wrote lyrics based on their own lives. If so, Newman assured, it's OK to start lying. My roommate, who watched most of the show with her face buried in her turtleneck, suggested that the trio was probably getting drunk in the bathroom backstage, wondering what they were doing there.

At least, I replied, there were no dancing dwarves.

But the most mind-blowing act of the evening wasn't even on the show. Since Fox broadcast the Awards, there were endless possibilities for silliness. And last night Fox decided to show off a commercial for its brand-new reality show: "Temptation Island."

Well, it's really not new at all. It's advertised as a hybrid of "The Real World" and "Survivor." And since it's a Fox venture you can see elements of other quality programming, like "Sexiest Bachelor Alive."

On "Temptation Island," four unmarried "but seriously committed" couples and 30 sexy singles escape to an exotic island. There, the singles -- portrayed on the commercial like buffed Amazon warriors, lubed up with suntan oil and poised to pounce -- are set up on dates with members of the couples. The singles have two weeks to wreak havoc on the couples.

Which bachelor or bachelorette is the sexiest one of all on Temptation Island? On a Fox reality show, there are many games that one can play along with at home.

(Suzy Hansen)

Suzy Hansen

Suzy Hansen, a former editor at Salon, is an editor at the New York Observer.

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