Last year, right here in Nothing Personal, we birthed a tradition: The Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.
It was a painless birth, a pleasant one even, yielding an essentially reader-written column that proved to the world what I already knew -- NP readers are a very funny and awfully twisted bunch. It allowed you all to flash your considerable wits at one another as you drolly doled out the dubious honors to a panoply of unsuspecting celebrities.
What's more, while you snarky readers kept each other amused, I got to go on vacation. And if that alone isn't reason enough to make it an annual event, I don't know what is.
Now, in case you've forgotten, here's how it works: I pose a series of questions in this column. You think about them long and hard, or not at all, and answer as many as you like by e-mailing me at email@example.com.
Then, I pore over your responses, pluck the ones I find most interesting from the pile, print them in a column on Wednesday, Dec. 27, and -- voil` -- the Second Annual Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.
So open your blue books. Here we go:
1) In 2000, Anne Heche ended a relationship and was found wandering, confused and, according to police reports, ranting that "she was God and was going to take everyone back to heaven with her in some sort of spaceship," in rural Fresno, Calif. Which celebrity do you think is most likely to be the next one to suffer such a major meltdown, what will set him/her off and where will he/she turn up? (Note: Robert Downey Jr. is not a valid answer.)
2) In 2000, Darva Conger doffed her duds for Playboy, Paula Jones peeled off hers for Penthouse and Roseanne posed for Gear. Which celebrity would you least like to see stripped down, oiled up and smiling pretty in the pages of your favorite skin mag?
3) In 2000, Elle magazine obliquely accused George Clooney of once burrowing his nose into a date's armpit "like a pig digging for truffles," taking a deep whiff and emerging to remark "You smell soooo good." After penning a letter of protest, Clooney was cleared of the charges -- and John Cusack was later implicated. Which celebrity do you most suspect of being a pit burrower, and what do you suppose he/she is looking to find there?
4) In 2000, Naomi Campbell's wax likeness at Madame Tussaud's in London had to be moved to a cordoned-off area to keep it from the hordes of visitors who were "touching her and stroking her" in all sorts of places. Which celebrity's wax likeness would you most like to have a moment of privacy with?
5) In 2000, Dennis Rodman launched a Web site allowing anyone willing to shell out $29.95 to watch the randy action in his California home 24/7 via eight strategically placed webcams. Which celebrity would you most like to be able to secretly watch at home?
6) In 2000, Britney Spears and Garth Brooks both batted around the idea of starting museums dedicated to themselves. Which celebrity do you think is most in need of such a museum? What sort of artifacts should be in it?
7) In 2000, Halle Berry was involved in a hit-and-run accident as the hitter and runner and neighbors later revealed that they'd dubbed her "Halle on wheels." Which celebrity would you least willingly let drive your car?
8) In 2000, we watched, horrified, as Julie Chen stumbled her way through as the host of "Big Brother." Which news anchor would you most like to see replace Chen, should "Big Brother" be revived?
10) In 2000, everything from "The A-Team" to "Dirty Dancing" to "Wonder Woman" was up for new big-screen treatment. What show or movie would you most like to see remade -- and who should star in it?
Special bonus question: Who should be given this year's special lifelong achievement award for shameless publicity-seeking?
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