Welcome to the second annual Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards!
(Insert Billy Crystal video montage here.)
This year's responses prove that it has been not only a great year for gossip but a banner year for gossips as well. You people responded to my meager queries in record number -- and though I wouldn't have thought it possible, this year's responses were even more deliciously nasty than last year's.
But at some point, for the good of our country, decisions must be made, and so -- like Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris and that Court we call Supreme -- I surveyed the nominees, picked the ones I liked best and declared them the "winners" of the 2000 Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.
And they are ...
1) The celebrity you deem most likely to suffer an Anne Heche-like meltdown:
The winner is ... Kathie Lee Gifford. "The realization that Regis is doing better without her will send her over the edge. She'll be found one day in the middle of a mall in New Jersey in a karaoke bar, singing the theme to those Carnival commercials she did, over and over again" ... "once she realizes she really peaked as a morning-show Chihuahua and can't make it as a sweatshop chanteuse."
Billy Bob Thornton: "Angelina Jolie will realize her mistake and go back to makin' whoopie with her brother, casting poor ol' Billy Bob into a personal tailspin. He'll end up somewhere in Orange County, Calif., wandering the streets and muttering to himself, 'Where's all the orange? Billy Bob needs orange for his tummy.'" "I think he'll turn up at a Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet rubbing sweet potatoes over himself and stuffing carrots in his well-worn loose-fit jeans (size 2)."
David Spade: "He'll be found wandering in the Northwest, claiming to be the weasel king. Pauly Shore will demand a recount."
Melanie Griffith: "She'll melt down in a very public, very choreographed manner, most likely on her own Web site's Webcam. Videos will later be sold." "She's got 'emotionally distressed' written all over her -- it looks just like a tattoo."
Whitney Houston: "Bobby's antics will finally send her round the bend, or at least to the Betty Ford Clinic."
Meg Ryan: "She'll be found wandering in Seattle looking for Tom Hanks. Russell Crowe's personal hygiene habits finally get to her."
Britney Spears: "In a Krispy Kreme in Biloxi, Miss., when she catches Justin Timberlake in a compromising position with the Olsen twins."
Benjamin Bratt: "When Julia Roberts dumps him, he'll show up at the home of Lyle Lovett looking for commiseration. Lovett will either shoot him on the spot or sing him a ballad."
Hugh Hefner: "When he develops a serious allergic reaction to Viagra, he'll be arrested at a Wal-Mart attempting to shoplift a box of tongue depressors and a jar of rubber cement."
David Lee Roth: "Despondent over the loss of his career, money and hair, he'll be ejected from the Hard Rock Cafi L.A. while trying to nail a copy of his own picture onto the wall. His famous quote from this sad affair will be, 'Man, I just wanted a goddamned sandwich named after me! Don't I deserve at least that for "Hot for Teacher," man?'"
Edward Furlong: "Naked on the median strip of Route 101 in L.A., screaming about how the devil communicates with him through Little Debbie snack cakes."
2) The celebrity you'd least like to see stripped down, oiled up and smiling pretty in a skin mag:
The winner is ... Katherine Harris: "Eek!" "There might actually be a good Annie Leibowitz-type photo, though -- Ms. Harris, nude, in a bathtub full of chads?"
Sen. Strom Thurmond: "Unless he was oiled up with fellow bad boy Sen. Jesse Helms."
Jason Alexander: "I would suspect that he has substantial back hair."
Sue from "Survivor": "That's one tough old hunk of meat."
3) The celebrity you most suspect of being an armpit burrower:
The winner is ..."What Angelina Jolie and her brother get up to is their own business, at least until they decide to hold a press conference."
Jennifer Aniston: "The supreme Pitt burrower in 2001. She's no doubt looking for meaningful conversation and a lost bobby pin."
Matthew McConaughey: "After the bongo incident, he seems a bit off."
Anne Heche: "She seems to look everywhere else for love."
Brad Pitt: "He's looking for a good script."
Billy Bob Thornton: "I don't know what he'd be trying to find there -- God, maybe?" "Of course he'd be looking for carrots in that burrow."
O.J. Simpson: "He's looking for the real killers."
Bono: "But he still doesn't know what he's looking for."
Courtney Love: "Hoping to find the smell of Teen Spirit."
Charlie Sheen: "Looking to find Heidi Fleiss' new phone number."
Britney Spears: "Looking for courage, a heart and a brain."
4) The celebrity whose wax likeness you'd most like to have a moment of privacy with:
The winner is ... Gwyneth Paltrow: "And lots and lots of matches."
Al Gore: "If he's anything like his photo on the cover of Rolling Stone."
George W. Bush: "And a blowtorch!"
Russell Crowe: "I think I'm entitled to see what a gladiator wears under his tunic."
The late Hervé Villechaise: "Call me a pervert ..."
5) The celebrity you'd most like to secretly watch at home 24/7 via webcam:
The winner is ... Martha Stewart: "She eats cold Chef Boyardee out of the can. I just know it."
John Malkovich: "We'll watch him through a hidden forehead cam. Life imitating art imitating life."
George W. Bush: "Can he walk and chew gum at the same time when he's alone?"
Charlie Sheen: "You've got to go where the action is."
Michael Jackson: "I enjoy theater of the absurd."
6) The celebrity most in need of a museum dedicated to his/her self:
The winner is ... Winona Ryder. "It would consist of two halls -- one filled with wax likenesses of movie stars she's dated, the second filled with statues of the rock stars she's dated. Expansion plans are in the works for 2003."
Celine Dion: "Her fans would make holy pilgrimages by the millions, and the rest of us -- and this is the brilliant part -- would finally be spared."
Madonna: "Her bras alone would require an entire wing."
Michael Jackson: "Displaying bits left over from plastic surgery and bits that have fallen off of their own volition."
7) The celebrity you'd be least willing to let drive your car:
The winner is ... George W. Bush: "That DUI."
Haley Joel Osment: "He can't see over the dashboard and his name sounds too much like Halle Berry."
David Arquette: "He always appears as if he just sniffed some glue."
Andy Dick: "It'd definitely end up wrapped around a light pole."
Hunter S. Thompson: "He can't even shoot straight."
Calista Flockhart: "She tends to faint and would never want to pull into the Burger King drive-thru."
Anne Heche: "She might run over Robert Downey Jr. with it. He's got enough problems right now."
Hugh Grant: "I'd have to toss the seats."
Roberto Benigni: 'Nuff said.
8) The news anchor you'd like to see replace Julie Chen as host of "Big Brother":
The winner is ... Dan Rather: "He could apply his folksy homilies to household situations. 'Brittany and Josh are getting along like two pigs in a poke of week-old garbage.' 'Curtis is wound up tighter than my Grandpa Ernie's cheap ol' pocket watch.' 'From this angle, Jamie's chin looks bigger than a Sunday ham, and not nearly as appetizing.'"
Matt Drudge: "He'd try to get the dirt on the housemates before they even knew there was dirt."
Walter Cronkite: "I want to hear that beautiful voice of his telling us that, for the sixth straight week, NOTHING is going on inside the house, and then have him sign off with 'And that's the way it is ...'"
Diane Sawyer: "After standing on her head for Elián Gonzáles, she has nowhere to go but up."
Barbara Walters: "Imagine all the empathy."
Charlie Rose: "Ponderous questioning and constant interruptions eventually drive entire cast and crew to kill themselves in a ritualistic Heaven's Gate-style mass suicide during sweeps week."
9) OK, OK, so I forgot No. 9! You don't have to get all paranoid about it. "Is this a trick question?" inquired more than one reader. "Something was too much for the lawyers at the last minute, hmmm?" suggested another. "I'm not sure what happened to Question 9," one conspiracy-minded reader wrote. "Perhaps that's fodder for Oliver Stone."
But, nevertheless, the winner is ... "Funny, there is no Question 9 so the correct answer must be Angelina Jolie."
10) The TV show or movie you'd most like to see remade:
The winner is ... "Gilligan's Island": Oft nominated and much mulled over, with everyone from Robert Downey Jr. to Kevin Spacey in the title role.
"Rosemary's Baby": With Eminem as Rosemary's baby.
"The Bionic Man": With Russell Crowe.
"Laverne and Shirley": "I would pay boo-koo bucks to see 'Laverne and Shirley 2000,' starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston."
"Love, American Style": "Bring back the flying red, white and blue hearts as Karen Valentine reprises the role that made her a star. The ensemble cast could feature other out-of-work stars like Adrian Zmed from 'T.J. Hooker,' Erin Grey from 'Silver Spoons,' Gary Coleman, Cristina Applegate and even Barry Williams."
"Hazel": With Madeleine Albright in the lead role.
"The Three Faces of Eve": Starring Anne Heche.
"The Odd Couple": With Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant.
"My Three Sons": With Tom Hanks in Fred MacMurray's role and Jack Nicholson as crabby Uncle Charlie.
And the special lifetime achievement award for shameless publicity seeking goes to ...
Madonna ... "Hands down!": "For shamelessly reinventing herself as a British princess."
Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones: "And what's up with them asking people to give them money instead of gifts for their wedding? My cousin Angela didn't do that when she got married at Leonard's of Great Neck."
Elizabeth "No, I'm over Hugh Grant. Really. No, really. But let me tell you about our sex life just this one last time" Hurley.
Pope John Paul II: "Speaking of which, who's his agent?"
So there you have them. Thanks to everyone who participated -- you guys are the funniest.
And who knows? Maybe next year there'll even be a streaker.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Miss something? Read Friday's Nothing Personal.