I have some good news and some bad news.
Recent months have seen a sharp decline in the number and severity of cases of mammarius self-approbitis among celebrities. (That's the good news.) But while fewer celebrities -- of either gender -- have been holding forth on the firmness, suppleness and general desirability of their own breasts (that is just so last year!), another, more insidious disease seems to have moved in, headed south and taken hold.
Let's call it vaginal speculitis. (Ouch!)
To promote a star-studded rally to combat violence against women to be held at New York's Madison Square Garden in February, event sponsor Marie Claire magazine asked various celebrities to answer the following questions, raised in Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues."
If your vagina were to wear clothes, what would it wear? And what would it say?
Claire Danes speculates that her nether regions would cloak themselves in "a vintage red silk cape" and holler "Hooray for this!" Brooke Shields' vagina "would have an eclectic wardrobe. One thing would not be enough. It would have fine materials cashmere and Pucci," she says. Properly turned out, it would proudly proclaim, "I belong." (Well, you'd think.)
Julianna Margulies says her privates would play it cool in "a pair of faded Levi's and a white T-shirt," while Calista Flockhart's would come clad in "silk pajamas with a see-through top" and bark "What are you looking at?" for all to hear.
Perhaps that's why she adopted a child.
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Twistin' by the archaeological dig
"It seemed like whenever we played him we found more of the skeleton."
-- Utah Natural History Museum paleontologist Scott Sampson on why he and his team decided to name a dinosaur Masiakasaurus knopfleri after Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler.
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And you really thought it would last
Is Courteney Cox-Arquette dropping the Arquette part?
Rumor has it that the sitcom star's 18-month-old marriage to fellow actor David Arquette is on the skids. Clashes over Arquette's hard-partying ways and Cox's interest in starting a family have reportedly led the couple to counseling, and word is that Arquette has recently moved out of their house and into his parents' home.
Well, can they at least be friends?
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The virgin speaks (Oops! Don't do that again!)
"Don't tell me they're gonna let the audience fucking stand out there! Seriously! This is retarded!"
-- Britney Spears, having a hissy backstage at the Rock in Rio concert last week.
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Juicy bits
The doctor is apparently not in. Anthony Edwards says he's "99 percent certain" that he'll leave "ER" at the end of the 2001-'02 season in order to spend more time with his family and work on other projects. And he swears it's not a ploy to get the show's producers to fork over extra dough ... stat. "If they want to talk to me about that, they should have talked to me a long time ago," Edwards told the Associated Press. But if he had his way, the actor says, his character, Dr. Mark Greene, would go down "in flames" when he leaves. "There are a lot of trains in Chicago," he observes. "You could trip in front of any one of them." This is the way his world ends -- with a bang and a whimper?
Looks like Robert Downey Jr.'s marriage is a bust. The actor's wife, actress Deborah Falconer, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences in a Los Angeles Superior Court petition filed Tuesday. Falconer is reportedly seeking spousal support payments as well as custody of the couple's 7-year-old son, Indio.
Do they really want to hurt them? The BBC reports that Virgin Records has dropped Culture Club after the '80s band's comeback effort, "Don't Mind If I Do," and greatest hits album, "Original Gold," failed to meet sales expectations. Guess the Karma Chameleon ain't what it used to be.
Wrap your mind around this: Russell Crowe and Courtney Love ... alone ... in the actor's hotel room ... all night long. The New York Post reports that, after Crowe's advances toward the young Leelee Sobieski went nowhere, witnesses saw him find a more receptive audience in Love. A Hole in one?
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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.
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