Visitors to the Van Halen Web site last Thursday were greeted with a personal message from Eddie Van Halen admitting that the rumors that he has cancer are true: "I was examined by three oncologists and three head & neck surgeons at Cedars Sinai just before spring break and I was told that I'm healthier than ever and beating cancer."
"Although it's hard to say when, there's a good chance I will be cancer free in the near future. I just want to thank all of you for your concern and support. Love, Eddie."
On Friday, another celebrity Web site offered up its condolences. David Lee Roth's site offered a personal message for Van Halen.
"You can whip this champ!"
Could we suggest that perhaps Van Halen might have appreciated a more personal message of support than a public Web posting? Say, a phone call, an e-mail or a basket of fruit? But no, in the dot-com age, the celebrity Web site is the latest star-power communication vehicle, usurping the duties of both publicist and personal assistant. Who needs to read People or Premiere when you can keep up with the correspondence between aging former band mates by reading their Web sites?
Here are a few other celebrity Web site communiquis that we look forward to reading:
Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy
Jenniferlopez.com: Dear fans: As you may know, Puff Daddy and I recently broke up. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated your e-mails of concern. But things are great! I'm about to launch a new fashion line, and I've been dating someone new. Check out the pictures section of this site to see how happy I am and how good I looked in my Oscar dress. Feel the love, J.Lo.
Puffydaddy.com: Yo. I think the world should know that J.Lo.'s breasts don't look that perky on their own. She uses tape. Duct tape. I wonder if her new man has discovered this yet. I have a few other things I'd like to discuss with him. But I haven't been able to find his Web site yet. I'll continue to offer him insights here.
Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera
Britneyspears.com: Dear fans, It breaks my heart to tell you that I am going to have to cancel the rest of my concert dates. I snapped a muscle in my chest after ripping off my dress during the filming of the newest Pepsi commercial, and my doctors have ordered me to refrain from singing for three months. But in the meantime, you can go buy another copy of my album HERE, and I'll see you next year! Love, Britney
Christina-a.com: Dear Britney: I am so sorry to hear about your little accident. Really. But maybe I can help. I've called your management company and offered to fill in on your tour dates, and I've asked Justin Timberlake to sing backup. Don't rush your recovery. XXXOOOXXX, Christina p.s. Coca-Cola Forever!
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
PamTV.com: Dear fans: You'll be happy to hear that Tommy Lee and I have gotten back together. Again. This time I know it's for real. We even shot a commemorative video during our trip to Vegas to renew our wedding vows. You can buy it for $89.95 HERE. Kisses, Pammie
Motley.com: Dear fans: I'm leaving Pamela. Again. That bitch cut me out of the profits on our latest home video. In this dot-com world, you need a partner who's not going to screw you over on the click-through.