Paulie Walnuts is nuts about his mom

A very "Sopranos" Mother's Day; Laura Bush's powerful bust; Kidman's alleged stalker cries foul. Plus: Win our hot-kicker dry T-shirt contest!

Published May 11, 2001 4:02PM (EDT)

Does Paulie Walnuts have Tony Soprano-like issues with his mother?

At the premiere party for the mob film "Under Hellgate Bridge," Tony Sirico, who plays Tony's henchman Paulie on "The Sopranos," told New York gossip collector Baird Jones that he had a sort of sweet, sort of selfish set of gifts planned for his mama this Mother's Day.

"I am sending my mother red roses and caramels," he said.

But she's not a big fan of caramels; he is.

"She just moved down to Ft. Lauderdale from Brooklyn, and I think when she sees that I sent her caramels, she will know there is another Mother's Day present coming, since that is my favorite candy," he explains. "I mean to surprise her by arriving unexpectedly on Mother's Day. So I really got the caramels for myself."

Not to mention a nice trip to Florida.

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That's My Bust! -- not

"In the bustline, I am definitely padded -- well. There's a whole thing that comes along with that, a whole sense of power and first ladyness. I don't know how that happens but it sure does."

-- Carrie Quinn Dolin, who plays first lady Laura Bush on Comedy Central's "That's My Bush!" on the power of padding.

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Stalker strikes back

Now hear this. Nicole Kidman's alleged harasser, Matthew Hooker, is angry. Very angry. And honest, Nicole, he says you've got it all wrong.

In a long, rambling and intensely fascinating press release, posted Wednesday on his Web site Artists in Motion (its motto, appropriately enough, "Entertaining the Planet"), Hooker denies ever having stalked Nicole and threatens to sue her.

Sure, he showed up uninvited at her home a few times, bearing flowers and seeking a date, but not on "numerous occasions," as court documents contend, and you know, he was just trying his hand at a little romance. Since when, he'd like to know, is this a crime?

Oh and plus, he says, she asked for it by "flirting with me at Borders in March," although he'd rather not say too much more about that because he believes that "a gentleman never talks about a lady."

Despite all this, Hooker writes, "I have no intention of approaching this horrible woman again, however I insist that my name be cleared in this matter." After some consideration, he's concluded that "this whole thing ... was a set-up, willfully and maliciously intended to cause me severe emotional damage, financial loss, loss of opportunity, and severe damage to my personal and professional reputation."

Proof of the conspiracy? The restraining order got his measurements wrong, thus damaging his acting/ directing/ writing/ composing/ arranging/ songwriting career. "The temporary restraining order lists my height as 6' 0" correctly and my weight erroniously at 140 lbs! I am a chisled, well muscled 165 lbs with no fat. Anyone 6' 0" and 140 lbs would not be a potential movie star," he points out. "I will be a big star, and [my first feature film] "The Activist", in which I will play the male lead, and which I will produce, direct and score, will be my entrie."

I'm assuming he's no longer interested in having Nicole play the female lead.

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Who says three's the charm?

"Two women is a big guy fantasy that looks better on paper."

-- Charlie Sheen on why he now prefers to tackle just one woman at a time, in Playboy (the experts at making just such big guy fantasies look good on paper).

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Juicy bits

Jamal "Shyne" Barrow cannot seem to get a break. The rapper, currently cooling his heels in the clink while he awaits sentencing on his conviction for assault, gun possession and reckless endangerment, is being sued over a car accident he was involved in just prior to the trial he shared with the rap mogul formerly known as Puffy and Anthony "Wolf" Jones. Construction contractor Mark MacKenzie claims that Shyne caused their cars to collide back in January by running a red light, so he's going after him for $5 million. That's a heck of a lot of license plates.

Puffy, or P. Diddy or whatever he now wants to be called, meanwhile, may get a little clearer idea of the tribulations his young protigi Shyne is facing in jail if negotiations for an upcoming film role keep going in a positive direction. J. Lo.'s ex is being lined up to play a convicted murderer opposite Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton in the flick "Monster's Ball." According to the Associated Press, P. Puffy Diddy Daddy (right?) will play a death-row inmate whose eventual widow (Berry) is courted by the racist responsible for setting up Combs' electric chair. Or something like that.

Back from his charity trip to Bosnia, Boy George has apparently learned a few hard lessons about the limits of fame. "It's a bit patronising for westerners to go and gawp like vultures at people's hardships," he told the U.K.'s Muzik magazine. "To be honest, half the time on this trip I feel like a frivolous airhead celebrity engaging in things that don't concern me." And the other half?

Kicker contest!

What, you think it's easy cracking wise about celebrities all day? Well, believe it or not, it actually can be kinda tough sometimes, but it does have its rewards.

And now, you can try your hand at it yourself and vie for a lovely Salon T-shirt. Just send me ( your best attempt at a kicker (that last snarky line) for each of the following Juicy Bits. (Please type "Kicker Contest Entry" in your e-mail's subject line.) I'll run the best entries in next Friday's column, and send the person who sends in what I deem to be the best set o' kickers a lovely beefy T with the Salon logo right on the front:

1) Janet Jackson, economist? The perky pop star's told the German edition of Glamour magazine that she never really wanted to be a singer. Instead, she says, she wanted to go to college and study economics or law. But her father, Joe, stood in her way. "I did too much in my life for the sake of my father," Jackson says, but adds that her brother Michael has helped her get past all the bad feelings about her childhood. "Michael made me swear to learn how to enjoy things more and not to let me get myself wound up all the time," she says. YOUR FUNNY LINE HERE.

2) What Bridget hath wrought: According to the U.K. Sun, a recent survey of 30-something British women by Barclaycard shows there's been a v. big run on control-top underpants since "Bridget Jones's Diary" came out. Twenty-five percent of the women surveyed report that they recently bought the whopping undies that brought the hapless Jones such humiliation -- and many of the women confessed to buying more self-help books and anti-wrinkle creams since sitting through the flick. YOUR FUNNY LINE HERE.

3) Minimum-wage Barbie? Mattel has just released the McDonald's Fun Time Barbie. That's right -- Barbie's sweating it out flipping burgers and working the Fryolator at Mickie D's. And as always, the little lady's dressed appropriately. According to a press release, "The new Barbie doll proudly wears the colorful McDonald's crew apron and yellow T-shirt with red collar and sleeve trimming. She also sports the red McDonald's hat with the famous arches logo on the front and is wearing shorts with white socks and red tennis shoes." What's more, "A plastic cash register and plastic food tray are also included." YOUR FUNNY LINE HERE.

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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.

By Amy Reiter

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