We're already laughing!

"Battlefield Earth" to be animated TV series; Kidman stalker threatens to sue star for slander. Plus: Britney and Justin walk out on $600 bar tab!

Published June 1, 2001 4:57PM (EDT)

Did L. Ron Hubbard work his voodoo magic from beyond the grave or what?

John Travolta is yet to get any takers to make his "Battlefield Earth" sequel, but it looks like he may see his beloved film find new life as ... a cartoon.

Yep, the TV site Zap2it.com reports that, though the film bit the big one at the box office during its brief, laughable run way back when, Hubbard's story has been licensed for a 13-episode animated TV series.

Sadly, Travolta will not be reviving his role as the villain Terl. That role will reportedly be voiced by Dan Haggerty of "Grizzly Adams" fame. And the producers are hoping to snag Chow Yun-Fat to voice the role in a non-English language version.

How do you say "Crouching Tiger, Pointless Plot" in Chinese?

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How about "My Cherie Ho"?

"If someone wanted 'Isn't She Lovely' to become 'My Bitch Is Lovely,' I wouldn't allow that."

-- Stevie Wonder on the limits he sets for rap stars who want to sample his music, in the U.K. Telegraph.

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Stalking off in a huff

Surprise, surprise. Although a Santa Monica Superior Court judge has ordered Nicole Kidman's wacky stalker Matthew Hooker to steer clear of the actress for three years, Hooker is staunchly refusing to fade quietly into the night.

"This woman has severely wronged me," Hooker told reporters after the ruling Wednesday, which prohibits him from coming within 250 yards of Kidman and from posting further messages to her on his Web site. "There is no reason at all to have a restraining order against me. I've never threatened anyone. I'm a gentleman."

In fact, Hooker says, he's not only considering appealing the ruling -- he may sue Kidman for slander as well.

The U.S. presidential hopeful (he's declared himself a candidate in 2004) claims Kidman, who he now says "disgusts" him, has dealt a very harsh blow to his White House plans.

"This has been severely, severely damaging to me," he says. "This whole thing by Kidman may be to kind of crush any political aspirations I have."

But whatever Tom's ex tries to trample, insists Hooker, she cannot stomp the stars out of his eyes. "I will not be afraid of asking out any other female stars," he says. "I am not going to assume they are all liars like Miss Kidman."

Watch your back, Claudia Schiffer.

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Thoughtless acts

"There is probably some chemical reaction that causes me to act in this manner. ... If I were to stop to think about what I do, I probably would reassess the situation and go fishing."

-- Johnny Knoxville, host of MTV's "The Jackass," on why he subjects himself to all that nasty torture, in Playboy.

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Dark humor is one thing ...

Poor Phyllis Diller.

Not only was the 83-year-old tousle-haired comedienne in her limousine as it killed her chauffeur in a freak accident in Canada earlier this week. (Getting out to check something, the chauffeur forgot to leave the car in park ... and was crushed under its wheels as it rolled out of control -- if not for the quick action of Diller's agent, the car might have rolled right into a pond.) But when she pulled herself together to do her show, she found herself faced with her own insensitivity.

"I'm such a lousy driver -- I never could park," Diller deadpanned onstage as she ran through her usual act. "I backed over the mailbox one day . . . I drove through the hedge and ended up in the lake."

Later Diller told the Canadian press she was embarrassed by the gaffe.

"I wandered into it. I was horrified," she said. "[The jokes] become rote ... When I heard myself I couldn't wait to get out of it."

Maybe she should just stick to Fang jokes from now on ...

Bonus: Brit bits

One minute they're wearing each other's T-shirts, and the next they're involved in a bit of a snit. Peoplenews.com reports that Britney Spears has pissed off Madonna by reserving her front-row seats for her upcoming Las Vegas show in hopes of luring her up onstage for that duet they've been talking about for so long. But according to the Web site, Madonna has no intention of taking Britney up on her kind offer -- since she's still ticked at Britney's recent suggestion that they appear in a film together ... with Madonna playing her alcoholic mother. OK, so this one sounds like a total rumor ... but ... um ... it's a really funny one.

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing: Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have agreed to lead a campaign to encourage kids to improve their math skills, but they seemed to have had a little trouble adding up their own check last week at a New York bar. In a move reminiscent of one Sean "D. Piddly" Combs, the duo skipped out on their $600 tab at a club called Float last Friday, leaving Timberlake's band mate Joey Fantone with the bill. According to the New York Daily News, Fantone coughed up a couple hundred clams, but refused to settle up altogether because, as he put it, "I didn't drink all the drinks." A friend 'N need ...

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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.

By Amy Reiter

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