It's hard to imagine last week's "Celebrity Boxing" news could get any better, but, hot-diggity-damn, it has.
Paula Jones is hopping into the ring to go glove to glove with Tonya Harding, taking Long Island gunslinger Amy Fisher's spot in the match, Fox announced on Saturday.
Harding, one would imagine, is probably thanking her lucky stars she'll be facing off against the pint-size presidential accuser instead of the trashy toughie who tried to blow her married boyfriend's wife to bits.
Jones, on the other hand, is a little worried, despite Fox's contention that she's "eager to participate in the special." She's been training for the event, but is particularly concerned about the fate of her freshly reduced schnozzer.
"Of course, that's my first concern as a woman, messing my face up," she told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette over the weekend. "I just got my nose done, and I don't want to mess it up."
Sniff, sniff ...
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Ono? Oh no ...
"I'm sorry. I'm very young."
-- Britney Spears, explaining why she's never heard of either Yoko Ono or Linda McCartney to Foxnews.com.
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Exit the gladiator
Those of you who thought being Russell Crowe meant never having to say you're sorry have been suddenly proven wrong.
The BBC reports that Crowe has had a change of heart about his startling post-BAFTA outburst last week, in which he lit into the show's director Malcolm Gerrie for trimming his acceptance speech.
Though in the days immediately following his tantrum, Crowe told the press that he had "no regrets about what I said to him," he called Gerrie at his home on Saturday to express just that.
"Malcolm got a call from Russell Crowe on Saturday making the apology," a spokesman for Gerrie said. "He said he felt he had been overbearing and used language that had been very strong."
The actor even personally extended his regrets to Gerrie's 12-year-old son, who'd been hassled in connection with the confrontation, and offered to buy the director a drink.
Talk about eating Crowe ...
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She'll wear him out?
"Look, I'll tell you about the age thing -- if he dies, he dies!"
-- Joan Collins on the age difference between her and her new husband, Percy Gibson, who is 32 years her junior, in an interview on British TV.
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Her mouth will go on
Celine Dion's taking a page from Kate Winslet and prattling on about the contents of her child's diapers for all the world to hear.
"No matter how hard I work, he still shits on me," she said of her 14-month-old son and "new boss," Rene Charles, from the stage of Hollywood's Kodak Theatre during her post-maternity-leave return to the stage on Sunday night.
Not that she's so averse to getting up close and personal with her baby's infinitely varied output.
"For me, poop says it all," Dion tells Redbook magazine. "When you want to know the truth, look to the poop. You know if he digests well, if he's constipated, if he's not getting enough water, if the milk is doing fine."
No shit.
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Speaking of bodily functions
"I get gassy."
-- Whoopi Goldberg explaining how she got her first name (think: cushion), while accepting the American Film Institute's Star Award on Saturday.
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Not easy feeling Green
Who'da thunk that, when all was said and done with the whole Tom Green/Drew Barrymore thing, Green would have been the one to emerge with the sympathy vote.
During an interview with "Inside Edition," Green said it just breaks him up that he and his estranged wife aren't even in contact with each other these days.
"It's hard. You try to make something work and you put your heart into it ... and it just doesn't work," he said.
Then again, he does see happier times around the corner.
"I can feel the sunshine sort of coming through the clouds slowly," he said, adding that working a lot will get him through.
Of course, if working hard means more films like "Freddie Got Fingered," the rest of us might need a little sympathy.
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