"At issue is a string of companies, based in Utah and Colorado, that offer edited videotapes and DVD's or software that allows users to play any DVD with the offensive passages automatically blocked."
-- "Hollywood Balks at High-Tech Sanitizers," New York Times, Sept. 19, 2002
A San Fernando Valley, Calif., man announced today that he is offering a new film editing service that will insert violent and pornographic images into classic Hollywood movies.
Rod Cumming, 34, president of FilthyFlicks Ltd., a film production company in Reseda, said that he is doing it for "educational and religious purposes."
Cumming, an ordained minister in Hollywood's First Church of They Showed It but Only for a Second, claims that in his church, leaving out the good parts is a sin.
"It's a sin of omission," he said at a hastily convened press conference on the lawn of his suburban ranch house, which doubles as a production facility. "We know you want it. These are films for the people who say No, when they mean Yes. I'm just correcting mistakes made in the editing room. You could call it the ultimate director's cut."
A statement on the company Web site says that FilthyFlicks is a "family-oriented company of hardcore film buffs."
"We love movies, but prefer to watch them with extra sex, nudity, profanity or extreme violence. Because we recognize others may have a similar desire, we provide this editing service to you. Our mission is to provide access to Hollywood entertainment free from the objectionable lack of these elements, thus helping maintain high popular entertainment values."
Cumming claims that God commanded him to provide this service last week as he was praying for "the greater enlargement of all" with a troupe of acrobats on the set of his latest film, "Risky Libidinous," another release involving his trademark blend of gymnasts, Ping-Pong paddles and kiwi fruit. He said he would sue Hollywood studios if they tried to use copyright law to stop him.
"Restraint," he said, "is great with the proper lighting. But prior restraint, that's unconstitutional. Besides," he said, pointing to the sky. "I answer to a higher authority."
The new service, which is accomplished by digitally cloning "puppets" of real actors and then controlling them with virtual reality technology, will allow the public to view scenes, says Cumming, "that everyone knew did or at least should have happened," but were never shown.
"For instance," Cumming said, "you know you wanted to see Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire do it in 'Spider-Man,' and it was a real letdown when they didn't. In fact, we'll not only give you Tobey and Kirsten. We'll give you Cliff Robertson as Uncle Ben and Rosemary Harris as Aunt May getting down and dirty.
"It's all about choice."
Other potential enhancements to classic films, Cumming said, include the Consummation Series, featuring films like "The Sound Of Music," "My Fair Lady" and Disney favorites; the Stripped-Naked Costume Drama Collection ("Room With a View," "Sense and Sensibility"); and an ultraviolent version of "Raging Bull."
"They just keep fighting and fighting and fighting. It goes on for hours," Cumming said. "Until De Niro's head finally just comes off. And, talk about classic scenes: In 'Casablanca,' sure, he can leave her on the tarmac. But if you want, you can follow them both onto the plane and watch them rock that sucker till the tires blow."
"It's a wonderful life," he said. "Just try and stop me."