The people have spoken

And they are full of rage. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the kings and queens of mean!

By Amy Reiter
Published December 20, 2002 5:58PM (EST)

Welcome to the fourth annual Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards, that special time when you guys get to be meaner, nastier and funnier than I get to be all year long.

I have to say, you people were meaner, nastier and funnier this year than you've ever been before. And so, without further ado, let's get down to the business of dirt-dishing and award-doling.

You nominated. I picked. And here they are, the "winners" of the 2002 Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.

1) The continuously cooing celebrity couple you suspect will unceremoniously part ways in the year ahead, and what will precipitate the split:

The winner is ...

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck: "Ben gives the wrong answer when J.Lo asks, 'Do these leather pants make my butt look small?'"; "She'll dump him toward the end of 2003 to stay on pace to eclipse Liz Taylor's record of eight marriages before her 50th birthday"; "When they've milked all the publicity they can from their union"; "J.Lo will discover a shoebox of love letters from Matt D. and all hell will break loose"; "They'll last from Valentine's Day through June. She'll be cast in a movie with Leo DiCaprio. She will then file for divorce due to 'unreconcilable differences.' (Funny, sounds like what happened last year)."

Honorable mentions:

"The Olsen twins break up personally and professionally, when Mary-Kate reveals Ashley was actually a sophisticated hand puppet from the Jim Henson factory."

Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise: "As the months pass, he begins to suspect that she is not 'steeeel learning Eeenglieesh,' she's just dumb"; "Sure, P claims she'll convert to Scientology now, but we'll see next year ..."

Liza Minnelli and David Gest: "Their supposed upcoming adoption will cause the two to split as Gest realizes that Wacko Jacko has a penchant for dangling OTHER people's babies over balconies too"; "He'll piss her off by tongue kissing her so violently, her cheek implants shift."

"Michael Jackson and what remains of his petite, scabrous beak: Precipitated by a sudden drop in atmospheric pressure, allowing the maligned thing to finally break free and get some damn abuse counseling."

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: "She will discover that he's been unfaithful to her with the entire state of Nevada (including Bowser the casino terrier). She will take advantage of the multimillion-dollar 'Infidelity Clause' in her pre-nup with Douglas. When asked for comment, she will reply modestly, 'Ka-ching, ka-ching.'"

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart: "He disavows her after she gains 180 lbs. taping the new Burger King-sponsored sitcom, 'Ally BkMeal.' Ford releases only one public statement, 'I liked her transparent.'"

Julia Roberts and Danny Moder: "She'll be found in the arms of Lyle Lovett a week later because she realizes looks aren't everything and he can protect her from raging bulls, which will come in handy on her ranch in New Mexico."

Barbra Streisand and James Brolin: "After he becomes an outspoken right-wing conservative and she misspells his name in a Truth Alert."

2) The celebrity bad boy/girl you think is most due for a Russell Crowe-like trip to the timeout chair -- and what you think will prompt the retreat:

The winner is ...

"Eminem will need to take some time off to recuperate (physically and emotionally) after his sound thrashing at the paws of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog."

Honorable mentions:

"Paul Reubens is forced to take a break after a love affair goes tragically awry, resulting in third-degree tennis elbow."

"Christina Aguilera will require a timeout to recover from burns sustained when she puts her finger in an electrical socket in a failed hairstyling attempt."

"Bad-boy hubby David Gest will get a timeout for gnawing off the feet of VH1 staffers and then bitching about blood on the carpets."

"Harrison Ford is going to need a timeout after decking a reporter who refers to him as Mr. McBeal."

"Justin Timberlake will be forced to take a timeout after he pummels a 12-year-old girl in a Catholic school jumper, shouting, 'I am so a bad boy, I did too have sex with Britney, and I take drugs all the time! So there!'"

3) The celebrity you think is ripe to make a Whitney Houston-esque public confession of addiction and what will he/she confess an addiction to?

The winner is ...

"Britney Spears reveals an addiction to Sweet Tarts. 'There's just something about them that feeds my true self,' she admits tearfully."

Honorable mentions:

"Justin Timberlake will finally admit what we've all known all along: He's addicted to the sound of his own voice."

"The Cookie Monster will finally come clean about his obvious cookie addiction."

"Christina Aguilera will confess her sex addiction and start wearing traditional Amish garb to overcompensate."

"Billy Bob confesses an addiction to trepanning -- and suddenly everything makes sense."

"Robert Palmer, in a pathetic attempt to remind someone out there who he is, will admit that he is 'Addicted to Love.'"

4) The celebrity you most suspect of pulling a Winona Ryder and landing on the wrong side of the law in the coming year -- and what he/she will stand accused of:

The winner is ...

"Madonna will get in a little hot water after the U.N. classifies her ego as a weapon of mass destruction. But at least Sean Penn will be interested in her again."

Honorable mentions:

"Rosie O'Donnell will get in a shouting match that dissolves into a shoving match with a woman from Kansas who sees her in a N.Y. restaurant and expresses her 'disappointment' that Rosie is not who she appeared to be. Rosie will be arrested for assault and will be sued for intentional infliction of emotional distress by the distraught woman."

"Matt Damon will be charged with domestic violence after he attacks Jennifer Lopez in a Safeway, pulling her hair and accusing her of stealing away Ben Affleck. Affleck responds by releasing a statement, 'Hey, what can I say? She got the booty AND the looty. Ha Ha ... Know what I'm sayin'?'"

"Christina Aguilera will be arrested in 2003 before an awards show when a police officer confuses her for a prostitute."

"An exhaustive examination of the books for George Clooney's 9/11 fundraiser will reveal the majority of the profits were skimmed off to pay blackmail to his pet pot-bellied pig so there wouldn't be a tell-all book describing just how much George likes the 'other white meat.'"

"Antonio Banderas is arrested after being caught going through Steve Bing's garbage, looking for DNA to prove that the child isn't his -- it's the only way he's getting outta that marriage alive."

"Nick Nolte will be found passed out in Woody Harrelson's hemp field and be arrested for doing a bad impersonation of Robert Downey Jr."

"Eminem will have his Winona moment, probably for taking his penis out and surreptitiously touching Moby with it at an awards show. The whole thing will be caught on tape during a Joan van Ark backstage tour of the show. He will explain that he was only researching a part for a biopic called 8 centimeter."

"Dolly Parton. Shoplifting. Realizing her assets are no longer raking in the moolah, she will decide to put them to better use. She'll be caught on camera trying to stuff a couple of Donna Karan outfits into her cleavage. The video will be heavily downloaded off the Internet by citizens over 65."

"Vanilla Ice will be accused of trying to steal an additional 15 minutes of fame."

5) The celebrity you think will undergo a Christina Aguilera-like drastic transformation in the year ahead and what he/she will change into:

The winner is ...

"The Olsen twins will pose nude in the Playboy 'twins' issue in 2003. Their spread will be called 'Full Hoes.'"

Honorable mentions:

Britney Spears: "She'll go gospel, promoting that 'I'm not a girl, not yet woman, yet still a sinner' image"; "She'll transform herself into a man! And will immediately appear on Broadway, as Curley in the transsexual version of 'OOOOOOOO -- KLAHOMA!'"

"The Bush Twins will become nuns."

"Justin Timberlake will get his nose slimmed down to near-nothing, hair dyed black and straightened, skin darkened, wear lipstick, buy himself a tamarin monkey and name it Tiny Bubbles."

"With the cancellation of 'Friends' slated for May of 2003, Matt LeBlanc will transform himself from a TV superstar to a short order cook at Roy Rogers."

"Rosie O'Donnell will determine she's straight after all, grow her hair long, and marry Tom Cruise."

6) The celebrities you think will hook up to make unlikely yet strangely compelling duos in the upcoming year:

The winner is ...

"Jack Osbourne and Jenna Bush will announce their engagement, although controversy will arise when Jack tells his future father-in-law to piss off."

Honorable mentions:

"In early 2003, Britney Spears and Moby will be seen around town as the latest couple. Later in the year, Britney will violently attack Moby in what will be referred to as the worst beating since Rodney King. She will claim that he brought it on himself."

"Tom Cruise and Kevin Spacey -- I smell an Oscar (and a Felix)."

"Adam Sandler and Lucy Liu will team up for 'My Big Fat Jewish-Chinese Wedding.'"

Eminem and Kelly Osbourne: "Who cares if it lasts? The "bringing him home to daddy" episode will set ratings records!"

"Nicole Kidman and P-Diddy"

"Angelina Jolie will hook up with Tom Cruise, change her name to Angelina Jolie Cruise, and carry shavings of his stubble in a locket around her neck."

7) The celebrity you think will shock the world with Michael Jackson-esque wacky parental behavior in the year ahead:

The winner is ...

"Angelina Jolie will not only give her son a 'Mommy forever' tattoo but will also swap vials of blood with him."

Honorable mentions:

"Michael Jackson, realizing that the baby-dangling incident garnered him the most media exposure he's had in years, will take his baby on a World Wide Dangling Tour. The tour will be tragically cut short due to lack of interest."

"Liza Minnelli will forget where she put her adopted daughter. The kid will eventually be found trapped under a pile of wigs in the back of a closet. But, just like daddy, she'll refuse to come out."

"Elizabeth Taylor will dangle Michael Jackson off a balcony, in order to promote her new perfume, White Cuckoo."

"Anne Heche is going to turn back into Celestia and leave her baby out in the backyard in a tin-foil cradle for easier worship by the space aliens, since, after all, it turns out an alien god impregnated her."

"Rosie O'Donnell will subject her new baby to a haircut 'like mom's.'"

8) The celebrity you'd most like to watch going about their daily lives on TV -- and what you'd hope to catch him/her doing?

The winner is ...

"Martha Stewart will let millions of Americans watch as she knits cozies for the license plates she makes. It's a good thing."

Honorable mentions:

Calista Flockhart: "I really want to watch her eat."

Michael Jackson: "I'd love to see him applying his nose in the morning."

"Robin Williams, talking to the kitchen appliances."

9) The celebrity you'd most like to see honored by his/her home state -- à la the Susan Sarandon rest stop -- and what you would have named after him/her:

The winner is ...

The George Michael Memorial Men's Room

Honorable mentions:

"Madonna: Michigan's largest waste recycling plant."

"Vin Diesel: Would have a gas station named after him that only sells cheap french wine and diesel gas."

"Rob Schneider: The state will name a Blockbuster Video store after him, for his huge contributions to the video market."

"Eminem: 8 Mile road, the Real Slim Shady Scenic Highway."

10) The celebrity you suspect is cruising for a Moby-like bruising in the coming year:

The winner is ...

"Please let it be Eminem ... please, please, please ..."

Honorable mentions:

"David Blaine: He'll be beaten about the face and neck with a real big white rabbit."

"Michael Moore: The final straw comes when he kicks back in his Barcalounger-designed seat at this year's Academy Awards show and knocks a GeriJuice MuscleBlast protein shake all over Arnold Schwarzenegger's lap. Pandemonium ensues."

"I would say Michael Jackson, but most men won't hit a woman."

"J.Lo, because if I have to hear her say 'I'm just a simple girl from the Bronx' one more time, I'll have to kick her ass myself."

Bonus question: The celebrity you think should get this year's special award for paying most cloying, continuous public tribute to his/her spouse:

The winner is ...

"David Gest for taking it the next level by describing his love for Liza's left breast."

Honorable mentions:

"Julia Roberts re Danny Moder: Enough already!"

"J.Lo.: Between the 'Jenny From the Block' video and having a song called 'Dear Ben,' she is, hands-down, the winner."

"Al and Tipper Gore. Hell, they even wrote a book about each other and their special relationship!"

"Liza Minnelli: Methinks the lady doth profess too much!"

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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.

Amy Reiter

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