"Hello and welcome to ... 'Now That's Republican!' Let's go right over to the NTR news desk for a check on today's top stories. Larry?"
"Thank you, Sherry. Overnight, thousands of people have reported the spontaneous appearance of jobs in numerous cities and towns across the country following the approval of the $350 billion federal tax-cut package. Experts put the total number of jobs magically created at more than 1.4 million. For more on the story we go live to Shard Philips in Knott-Twobadd, Kentucky."
"Larry, I'm standing here with Bill and Emily Smith, who woke up this morning to find dozens of jobs on their doorstep. Emily, can you tell us what happened here?"
"Well, Shard, alls I know is that when Bill and I found out we were going to get a break of $217 it made us feel all confident and we started making a list of ways to spend the money. It was real hard to pick just one, what with falling behind on the mortgage and needing to help the kids' schools hold bake sales to keep math and spelling on the curriculum. But then we seen a lot of our neighbors out stimulating the economy and that looked real fun. So we went to the All-Mart and bought us a nice DVD player made in Malaysia. Next thing you know, all these jobs started showing up."
"Now, that's Republican! Emily, you must be saying to yourself, 'Even though more than 2 million jobs have disappeared since the previous tax cut of $1.3 trillion a couple of years ago and the economy is now even weaker than when current Treasury Secretary John Snow, in a speech made July 21, 2001, called it the weakest he'd seen in 20 years, it only stands to reason that the circular flow of my $217 when subtracted from the likely punitive increases in my state and local taxes will surely help us bring private capital back into the system even as the rising deficit approaches 3 percent of the gross domestic product.'"
"Exactly, Shard. And I'd like to give a shout-out to my mother in Pawnsville, Iowa, who's been in a coma on my sister-in-law's couch ever since her Medicaid got cut off by --"
"Tee-riffic, Emily! Now back to you, Sherry."
"Thanks, Larry. Weatherwise, the NTR forecast calls for isolated outbreaks of common sense, but it looks like most of it will clear up by November of 2004! Next up on NTR ... 'Republican Makeovers!'"
"Recently we sent our style team to Indianapolis, where President Bush gave the performance of a lifetime as part of his 'American Idle' tax-cut tour. Now hold on to your hairspray, Larry, as you watch those VIPs seated behind the president go from formal to farm belt just by taking off their neckties!"
"If we can go to the pictures, here's Indiana House Minority Leader Brian Bosma with a necktie, and here he is again without. Oh, and he's even removed his pocket square! Brian, please, this is a family show! But doesn't he look fabulous? It's so ... grassrootsy. Larry?"
"Sherry, I also like what the design team from 'Persuading Spaces' has done to spruce up the backdrops for the president's televised speeches. Earlier today, I interviewed political style maven Alberta Spears, and here's what she had to say:
"'Larry, the old exterior, which depicted authentic American locations, was too depressing for today's voters, so we installed a soothing wallpaper pattern of campaign buzzwords like "growth," "jobs," and "Made in the U.S.A." The idea was to combine old-world charm with cutting-edge illusion for a truly seductive look.'"
"Wow. Sherry, that's what I call ... Homeland Obscurity."
"You said it, Larry. Now, while Larry's explaining himself to the FBI, let's head on over to Terry for this morning's movie reviews. Terry, what's big at the box office?"
"Well, Sherry, still at number one is 'Bush Almighty,' with grosses way ahead of John Ashcroft's 'Identity' and Dick Cheney's competing releases, 'Lawless Heart' and the remake 'Thief of Baghdad.' Meanwhile, critics are still weighing in on box office flop 'Swept Away,' starring Ari Fleischer, who is also responsible for the fuzzy dialogue, and former EPA chief Christie Whitman, who actually brought considerable, uh, chemistry to her role as a hapless double agent. But the big news is 'Hyping Private Lynch,' the made-for-TV-news fantasy produced and directed by the Pentagon, with a script that would do justice to the journalistic stylings of Stephen Glass and Jayson Blair. Now back to you, Sherry, for a look at what's coming up next."
"Thanks, Terry. After the break: Moneyman Barry McGarry tells us why tax cuts bring much-needed relief to America's wealthiest, who will now find it a lot easier to pay for those $50,000 'leadership luncheons' hosted by Republican campaign guru Karl Rove. And 'Cooking With Carrie' raves about the latest dining trend -- food banks! With more than 965 food banks in New York City alone -- up from only 35 pantries and kitchens in 1983 -- this is one culinary trend that's really catching on! But first, stay tuned for a word from our sponsor, Bechtel. Bechtel -- Building a Better World ... Somewhere Else."