The Fix

Madeleine Albright says Kim Jong Il has puffy hair, Puff Daddy says Ben and Jen need better cars, and Madonna wants to make a movie about Viagra. Plus: Thom Yorke thinks he's going crazy!


Salon Staff
June 5, 2003 5:35PM (UTC)

Why is it that getting the news from Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" feels more enlightening than watching anything else? Maybe it's because he gets great guests and asks great questions. What a concept! Last night he chatted with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, who has to be the smartest, savviest and funniest broad around. When Stewart noted that she was probably the last American to have a one-on-one with North Korea's Kim Jong Il and asked if the leader was crazy, she didn't miss a beat -- noting that she and Kim were the same height, both wore high heels, but that his hair was puffier. Then she went on to opine that he is not crazy at all and that we should talk to him, because not doing so is much more dangerous.

Radiohead's Thom Yorke probably needs to watch Comedy Central more often. He told Spin Magazine that he gets confused when he watches American TV: "I absolutely feel crazy at times. Anybody who turns on the TV and actually thinks about what they're watching has to believe they're going insane or that they're missing something everyone else is seeing. When I watch the Fox News channel, I can't believe how much nerve those people have and how they assume that people are just going to swallow that shit. And I find myself thinking that I must be missing something." You're not alone, Thom.

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Let's all stop worrying about nuclear annihilation and terrorism and start worrying about who will make the movie about the Viagra factory in Ireland! Seems Madonna, who is everywhere all the time, wants to do a movie about the locals becoming sex crazed after inhaling fumes from the plant. But a rival movie company is also working on a story called "Holy Water" about the same Pfizer plant. They shouldn't even start the bickering. Heck, there's room in the world for two erectile dysfunction medication movies! (WENN)

P. Diddy is such a gracious gentleman -- he says he's planning to give ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lopez and hubby-to-be Ben Affleck his and hers Rolls-Royces as a wedding gift. He said he heard they had Bentleys but wanted to "upgrade" them. He told People Magazine (the publication that named Ben Sexiest Man Alive last year) that he wouldn't appear at the nuptials in person because "I don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable." Sure, Sean. When are you and Ben going to get out the rulers and start measuring? (Ananova)

Everyone has their opinion of the Martha brouhaha. Last night on "Nightline" Ted Koppel had many heads talking about why they thought the feds were coming down so hard. Biographer Chris Byron said it was because she is so mean. Naomi Wolf said it was because Martha is a woman. Jeffrey Toobin said it was because Martha is stubborn and wouldn't cut a deal. But the one who got it right was Tina Brown who said, lightly tossing her golden locks, that Martha is in trouble because she's a blonde ...

-- -- Karen Croft

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Perp walk or no perp walk, Martha Stewart is "deeply grateful" for your support. "As a way to keep in touch" with us all over the trying weeks and months ahead, Martha has created a "special Web site," marthatalks.com -- all in Martha green, of course, though a disclaimer at the bottom notes that the site "is not issued by or on behalf of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc." -- on which she plans to post current information about her case.

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There's a note from her proclaiming her innocence in the face of "these baseless charges": "I simply returned a call from my stockbroker," she writes. There's also a statement from her personal attorneys asserting that Martha has "done nothing wrong" and wondering if all the ruckus is "because she is a woman who has successfully competed in a man's business world by virtue of her talent, hard work and demanding standards."

Oh, and there's also an e-mail link (martha@marthatalks.com) inviting you to "share your thoughts." Martha looks forward to hearing from you.

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Natalie Maines' laryngitis is gone, and the Dixie Chick is speaking out again. "I am so glad I got my voice back for tonight," she told an audience in Michigan on Monday, the day after a sore throat forced the cancellation of the group's Cleveland show. "I had absolutely no voice yesterday -- and I swear you could hear clapping from the Oval Office."

Maines' comment reportedly drew a few boos from the crowd. More stinging still, Jerry Lewis has started firing spitballs in the Chicks' general direction. "I'm old-fashioned," the aging funnyman tells the New York Daily News. "You don't make fun of the queen of England, and you don't make jokes about the president of the United States. I resent those that do. The Dixie Chicks are embarrassed that he's from Texas? You don't say that about a sitting president. The First Amendment says you can say anything you want in this country, but it should have an appendage, 'Try to do it with class.'" Ahem.

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RayRo's no J.Lo. Old neighbors of Ray Romano's say the Queens-raised comedian may be the highest-paid star on TV (he's getting paid more than $1.7 million per episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"), but he's still just Ray from the block. "Ray is down to earth, humble -- the kind of guy who doesn't forget his roots," says one old buddy from Forest Hills. Another shares, "He's always asking me about my grandchildren, always telling me about his family. He's still the same Raymond that he was when was he was 13 years old." Even "King of Queens" star Kevin James agrees. "Lord knows he's not spending money on clothes," says James. "He still wears the same $20 Casio watch from a hundred years ago." (N.Y. Daily News)

Speaking of "Everybody Loves Raymond" ... is word that CBS has ordered a new WWII sitcom, "Everybody Loves Adolf," starring Paul Rodriquez, Katey Sagal, Olympia Dukakis, Ed Begley Jr. and Judd Nelson a joke? Yes, and a funny one: HollywoodPulse.com.

Hillary Clinton's book may not be out yet, but people are already questioning the bits and pieces that have leaked out. Washington Post columnist Lloyd Grove points to two recent tomes that are at odds with Sen. Clinton's recollection of her husband telling her "for the first time" on Aug. 15, 2000, that he had been unfaithful -- and her portrayal of herself as furious with and estranged from the president in the days that immediately followed. Peter Baker's "The Breach" puts the disclosure of infidelity at two days earlier and claims it was attorney David Kendall who broke the news. (Kendall counters that the former first lady's portrayal sounds about right to him.) And Sidney Blumenthal's "The Clinton Wars," Grove reports, claims that on Aug. 17, Bill and Hill were bantering and "still working as a team." (The Washington Post)

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The Roger Ebert/Vincent Gallo brouhaha appears to have run its course for now, with Ebert issuing the following (final?) salvo: "It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of 'The Brown Bunny.'" But before we kick dirt over it once and for all, we thought we'd run a few poetic tributes to it, submitted by Fix readers:

So the critics hate your movie
You fat ego-ed prick
I guess we all missed the art
of Sevigny sucking your dick
Big indie baby
so edgy, yet frail
Putting a whiny lil curse
on poor Ebert's tail
You'd think you were murdered
with a few honesties
You art wanks are samies
Unable to please
Unable to take it
So spiritually spent
Don't cry, try again
Next time, use talent
-- Terry Sawyer

A Gallo-Ebert haiku:
A big enough spat
Will boost earnings of even
Crap like Brown Bunny
-- Douglas D. McGhee

On Gallo and Ebert:
That old black magic got me in the ass
That old black magic that you can't let pass
Swollen prostate just below my spine
It ain't the colon but it won't feel fine

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It makes me tingle when I watch your flick
And soon enough I start to feelin' sick
Down and down it slows, nowhere the plot goes,
Like a leaf that's stuck on a stick

Should've stay[ed] away and the audience will --
They see your name, they know it's swill
It's swill that even curing my pain
Would not make me sit through ever again

You think that people will all come to see
Some oral sex with Chloe Sevigny
As if that's some kind of novelty

Gallo -- down and down it goes, below ground it goes,
Flaming out, leaving no doubt that it's out,
Killed by your own black magic -- career
-- Greg Diamond

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-- -- Amy Reiter

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