The Fix

Ari Fleischer a gangsta rapper? David Duchovny the next Big? Amy the next Britney? Plus: First baseman fined for slapping sausage!


Salon Staff
July 10, 2003 6:45PM (UTC)

As anyone who has been married knows, the source of all conflict is the issue of things. If you are a person who loves things around you and you're married to a minimalist, trouble can ensue and some of the things can get broken. This, dear cohabitants, is now the theme of a new reality show (what isn't?) to air this fall called "Mix It Up." The producers, Courtney Cox and David Arquette, used their own lives as inspiration -- she is an anti-thing gal and he collects bobblehead dolls, arcade games, miniature pigs and large shoes. On the show, a decorator on a budget will try to meld two different lifestyles in three days. Can't you just hear divorce lawyers licking their chops? (Salt Lake Tribune)

So, what do we know about Scott McClellan, the guy who's going to replace heartthrob Ari Fleischer next week as White House press secretary? Two quotes are all you need: The Washington Post's Howard Kurtz writes, "The 35-year-old Texan is soft-spoken, self-deprecating and so cautious that he makes the man he's replacing, Ari Fleischer, sound like a gangsta rapper." In the same story this from Scottie's mommy, "He'd never tell you if he split his head open and had to have a stitch job. You'd have to see the blood." Sounds like a perfect choice. (Washington Post)

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There's a new Britney Spears in the making, according to one Guardian writer, and this one actually has talent. Amy Studt is being managed by Spice Girls guru Simon Fuller and she's only 17 but her first album, "False Smiles," charted (as they say over there) at No. 24. What's she like, you ask? Libby Brooks had breakfast with the girl and writes, "she is Avril Lavigne in a vintage dress, or Alanis Morissette before she started simulating oral sex in public." Missed that last act ... (Guardian)

So who isn't going to guest star as a "love interest" on the last "Sex and the City" season? Carrie's current flame is Ron Livingston, then there was yesterday's news about Blair Underwood possibly romancing someone and now David Duchovny is being bandied about as a possible threat to Mr. Big for Sarah Jessica Parker's long-term love. Hey, these guys are all adorable, but they are guys. Big is a man, so until they bring on another of that ilk, Chris Noth is safe. (TV Guide)

Is it always wrong to dance on someone's grave? Frank Scaturro, head of the Ulysses S. Grant Memorial Association, is writing to the National Park Service to protest the July 4 special, aired by NBC, that featured Beyoncé gyrating sexily -- as she is wont to do -- in front of the president's tomb in New York City. And it wasn't just the sultry gal Frank was upset about, "Actually, I didn't think Bon Jovi was appropriate, either," Scaturro said, referring to a previous performance at the memorial. "I don't think any kind of rock music or popular music of today is exactly in keeping with the nature of the site." When asked to explain the decision to have Beyoncé appear, the Park Service spokesman said, "The feeling was, if this was something that would be approved for broadcast on NBC ... there is some level of appropriateness." Guess he's never seen "Fear Factor." (N.Y. Daily News)

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Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon was fined $432 yesterday for swatting an Italian sausage as she ran by him at the Milwaukee Brewers ballpark. Yes, at some parks there are races among people dressed as hot dogs, bratwursts and other pork products as between-inning entertainment. Frankly, the organ music and Cracker Jack breaks were adequate for decades but with ADD rampant most stadium directors choose to fill the time with such events. Well, now perhaps they've learned their lesson. Simon playfully (he says) swatted the running sausage with a bat and the girl under the costume fell, causing a nearby hot dog to also take a tumble. All hell broke loose, Simon was handcuffed and booked after the game, and was booed when he came in as a pinch hitter in the 7th. The sausages aren't pressing charges. No one explained the $432. (Sports Illustrated)

--Karen Croft

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Lawsuits, lawsuits everywhere for Spike TV. The newly renamed cable network may have settled matters with Spike Lee, but now it's being named -- along with Pamela Anderson and Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee -- in a suit brought by a former Florida stripper named Janet Clover. Clover claims she is the true mastermind behind the new cartoon superhero "Stripperella" and that Lee copped the idea off her during a "private encounter" about a year ago. According to Clover's suit, "Evidence to support is available upon request." (E! Online)

Jennifer Lopez too trashy for Vogue? So claims a "Vogue source" in the New York Post. The source says that, even though Lopez was desperate to be on the cover of the fashion mag and even posed for a three-day shoot back in 1999, editor in chief Anna Wintour felt she "wasn't Vogue material." The source also claims that when Lopez called begging for Wintour to reconsider, the editor never bothered to return her call. Flacks for Lopez and Vogue deny the rift.

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Best of the Rest

Page Six: Oprah Winfrey stands accused of charging poor women $185 a head to hear her talk about bettering themselves; Quentin Tarantino vows to use really good Samurai blood on "Kill Bill," not that crappy horror-film stuff, adding, "I'm really particular about the blood." Plus: Norman Mailer says we're at war in Iraq because white men can't jump, Abercrombie & Fitch catalog racier than ever, and Steven Tyler's too skinny for his jeans.

Rush and Molloy: A "Kennedy family member" claims Carolyn Bessette Kennedy's last-minute drug deal led to plane crash; Robert Wagner claims he's owed 50 percent of the net profits from both "Charlie's Angels" movies; Snoop Dogg says he thinks Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend is straight after all.

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The Reliable Source: Conductor Leonard Slatkin exchanges racy e-mails with "famed virtuoso deaf percussionist Evelyn Glennie," shocks her hubby when he stumbles on lines like "The thought of my modem inside your laptop turns my mainframe on"; Tucker Carlson gets shoe-shaped "right-wing wingtip" cake from million-book-selling Hillary Clinton, vows to eat real shoe anyway.

Cindy Adams: Giuliani ex Donna Hanover feels blessed to find nice new hubby-to-be; Matthew Modine juggles two films, two haircolors, gets bitten by French ape; Kinks guitarist Dave Davies wants his music to be an intergalactic hit, says he hopes "the aliens pay royalties."

Liz Smith: Howard Stern tells Arnold Schwarzenegger he'll support him for California governor if the actor lets him videotape him having sex with Maria Shriver, says he needs "some sort of perverted payment"; Angelina Jolie says she wants only to adopt children; Jennifer Lopez says she's too superstitious to shop for baby clothes before baby is born, should she ever get pregnant.

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-- Amy Reiter

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