Men who love women

We have great sex and we love each other, but he won't go down on me. Is he gay?

Published October 29, 2003 5:23PM (EST)

Dear Cary,

This might come off as bigoted, but I've always held the theory that if a man didn't go down on you without prompting, it meant deep down he was actually gay. If my theory is correct, then I'm dating a gay man. We have absolutely wonderful, tender, meaningful sex, the kind that makes you cry, say sentimental things, and feel all mushy inside for days. No, it's not the throw-me-against-the-wall-and-ravish-me kind of sex, but the kind that makes you feel loved. In other words, it's wonderful. But -- he doesn't do that thing that I love. And I'm terribly spoiled in this regard. My last boyfriend had to be told to stop. There was nothing he loved to do more and I gladly reciprocated.

My latest beau is everything I want. He's faithful, honest, giving, intelligent. I've hinted at that one thing that I wished he did and even went first, but nothing, nothing at all. And I don't think it's something you should have to ask for. From my experience, men who really love women, love it. I have many guy friends and they are all concerned. I equate oral sex with desire and without this from him, it makes me suspect deep down he doesn't really desire me, or maybe even women.


Dear Wondering,

It's long been my belief that anyone who doesn't eat chocolate ice cream is deep down a racist, and my friends agree with me. I actually know someone who doesn't eat chocolate ice cream, and I've eaten chocolate ice cream in his presence, but he didn't seem to get the hint. He didn't start eating it himself. So I'm pretty sure that deep down he's a racist.

I've have also long believed that people who pretend to like animals are probably, deep down, animal haters. Therefore, I believe that the president of the SPCA harbors an especially invidious and lethal hatred of animals. It makes perfect sense: What better way to hide your pathological hatred of animals than by working every day for their welfare and comfort? And what better way for someone who is "deep down" a homosexual to hide it than by having frequent, satisfying sex with women? That almost proves it, doesn't it? Why else would he be having sex with a woman if not to prove that he's not gay?

This is how you burn witches. You don't need evidence, or testimony from the accused, or witnesses. All you need is an arbitrary postulate and the willingness to proceed on the basis of it.

Have you told him that you believe if he won't go down on you it means he's gay? I'm guessing you haven't told him because you know how preposterous it would sound. That shows you have some sense. It would sound preposterous because it is preposterous. Let's try a simpler, more direct approach: If you want him to go down on you, tell him so, in a clear English sentence. Tell him that it is very important to you that he go down on you, and if he's not willing to go down on you then you will have to consider ending the relationship. If it's that important to you, you have to let him know.

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