The latest White House script for reporters

Howard Dean is so angry! He has no credibility on foreign policy! He wants to take away your grenade launcher!


Rich Procter
January 18, 2004 6:30AM (UTC)

Immediate Release All Media

Hi! Wow, you guys and gals did such a Double-Plus-Good job during the '00 campaign (Al Gore -- earth tones, phony, invented the Internet, etc., etc.) that we're actually going to gift you with our Red State-Wal-Mart-focus-group-tested media memes early! As before, we're looking for 110 % COMPLIANCE, or else we'll see to it you lose that White House Press Credential, and you'll be back covering the Police Blotter for the local "Recycler."

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HERE ARE YOUR NEW CAMPAIGN SCRIPT TEMPLATES. Plug in daily news events as needed:

1) DEAN IS AN ANGRY, NEGATIVE GUY (therefore NOTHING HE SAYS MATTERS, BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT HIS ANGER AND NEGATIVITY, NOT WHAT HE SAYS.)

How This Works:

DEAN PRESS CONFERENCE BITE: "I'm angry that 44 million Americans can't afford health insurance. We need single payer health insurance for all Americans."

YOUR SPIN: Why is he so darn negative? That's GUARANTEED to alienate swing voting Soccer Moms! Notice how his face turns all red and splotchy? If he stays this negative, the upbeat, positive vision of our beloved President Bush is sure to prevail ..."

2) DEAN IS UNELECTABLE. Never take anything he says seriously, because he can't be elected anyway.

How This Works:

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NEWS ITEM: "New Time Magazine Poll -- Dean Trails Bush by Just Six Points In Head To Head Match Up"

YOUR SPIN: "Sources deep inside the White House today cast doubt on the seriously skewed results of a recent Time Magazine poll, which somehow mistakenly showed that, even at this early date, almost as many Americans favored the angry, negative, insurgent, marginal non-Southerner Howard Dean as favored our beloved, incredibly popular Texan man-of-the-people President George W. Bush. Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced an immediate investigation. Arrests seem certain. Mainstream political observer Ann Coulter had this comment ..."

3) DEAN SUPPORTERS ARE BUSH-HATING, SUSHI-EATING LATTE-SIPPERS, NOT REAL AMERICANS FROM THE HEARTLAND. Therefore nothing they say matters.

How This Works:

INTERVIEW BITE WITH DEAN SUPPORTER: "My son died in Iraq. He went there because President Bush said that Saddam was threatening us with nuclear weapons. He lied. There were no weapons, and no threat. That makes me sad, sick and furious."

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YOUR SPIN: See that Lexus in the background? Bet that's hers, and there's a Starbucks cup in the cup holder. Most Americans drive Fords and Chevys. I wonder why she's so angry and negative? Her son couldn't have died. Do you see any bodies coming back on television? Any funerals? NO! Besides, the Dow is above 10,000, and we only lost 223,000 jobs last year! Bush is invincible

4) DEAN IS FROM VERMONT, A BACKWARD, UN-AMERICAN CESSPOOL OF YUPPIE (PROBABLY GAY) DILETTANTES, THEREFORE HAS NO CREDIBILITY. Therefore no one from Vermont who has ever supported him matters.

How This Works:

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INTERVIEW BITE WITH VERMONT DEAN SUPPORTER: President Bush did diddly squat when my company shipped my tech job to India. That was a good-paying job. Now I'm busing tables at a coffee shop for tips. Protecting working families my Aunt Fanny ...

YOUR SPIN: A coffee shop? It's probably a Starbucks. They don't have Starbucks in the South, where real NASCAR Americans live. They love President Bush, just like other real Americans. We don't need these Maple Syrup Marxists telling us how to run our country ...

5) DEAN HAS NO CREDIBILITY ON FOREIGN POLICY, BECAUSE HE DODGED THE DRAFT. Therefore nothing he says about foreign policy matters.

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DEAN INTERVIEW BITE: We've got to abandon this crazy, counterproductive unilateralist approach. We've got to get our allies involved in the global fight against terrorism.

YOUR SPIN: He dodged the draft, even though he (sneer) "technically" took his physical and got a (sneer) "deferment." Only a real, manly foreign policy expert like President Bush who has the courage to blow off our cheese-eating, chocolate-making "allies" and make manly, preemptive war on those heathen, bomb-throwing towel-heads should be president. President Bush could even correctly pronounce the name of Azerbaijan if he wanted to, but since Joe and Jane Sixpack can't pronounce it correctly, he won't either, to spare their feelings.

6) DEAN WANTS TO TAKE YOUR ASSAULT WEAPONS, GRENADE LAUNCHERS AND COP-KILLER BULLETS AWAY FROM YOU.

DEAN INTERVIEW BITE: I'm a lifelong member of the NRA.

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YOUR SPIN: He's lying. He's a liar, like Al Gore. He's a gun-hating liberal. This is the huge gaffe that virtually ensures the reelection of our beloved President Bush. Did I mention how red and splotchy his face is when he flies into a psychotic, irrational rage for no reason?

7) SLOT IN WHERE NECESSARY -- DEAN IS MCGOVERN, DUKAKIS, MONDALE, WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN, ETC.

DEAN CAMPAIGN RELEASE: CANDIDATE DEAN ANNOUNCES PLAN TO RETURN CONTROL OF RADIO AND TELEVISION STATIONS TO LOCAL COMMUNITIES.

YOUR SPIN: Dean is so darn angry and negative! It's just too darn bad he's leading the Democrats to permanent minority party status. Look, we've got his picture up next to a picture of George McGovern. See? That proves he's like McGovern. How sad the Democrats can't find their voice and be good upbeat and moderate real Americans, like Republicans.

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ACCEPTABLE QUESTIONS TO ASK DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE:

  • Why are you so angry and negative?
  • President Bush is incredibly popular, and beloved by common people like himself.

    Why do you hate him, knowing this makes decent, God-fearing, Christian Americans hate you?

  • Bush is fighting terrorists, or will be, when we actually invade a country that has some. Why are you against that?
  • We (Republicans, Good Americans) support our troops. Why do you want to undermine them, and therefore kill them?
  • President Bush fought to provide Americans with a Medicare prescription drug benefit. Don't you realize that by hating him, you're putting yourself outside the mainstream of America?

    UNACCEPTABLE QUESTIONS:

  • Anything about single-payer healthcare, rampant war profiteering by Bush corporate cronies in Iraq, Enron, WMD in Iraq, dead soldiers in Iraq, nonexistent nuclear program in Iraq, corporate malfeasance, funding for "No Child Left Behind," Afghanistan, quid pro quo anti-environmental legislation for "Pioneer Level" Corporate Donors, and the Bush ban on the government from making best deal with pharmaceutical companies for prescription drugs.

    Clear? If you have any questions, just go to the Campaign Default Position -- Dean ANGRY FANATIC, Bush BELOVED LEADER. Thanks!


  • Rich Procter

    Rich Procter is a writer in Los Angeles.

    MORE FROM Rich Procter

    Related Topics ------------------------------------------

    2004 Elections George W. Bush Howard Dean Iraq War

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