Bill Maher

In the American tradition of ridiculous compromise: Yes to gay marriage, no to gay mortgage! Or, thinking outside the box: Just let the hot chicks get married!

By Salon Staff
Published March 6, 2004 12:00AM (EST)

New Rule: Politics is about compromises. Really stupid compromises.

America has a rich history of solving hard moral problems with ridiculous compromises. That's how we got such laws as: Blacks are three-fifths of a person. Slaves are property, unless they make it to Ohio. Interning the Japanese but not the Germans. Killing most Indians, but letting others run the Keno parlors. Porn, but not hardcore porn. Booze, and then no booze, and then booze again. But no pot. Except medical marijuana, which is legal to possess, but illegal to obtain. You can't have stem cells, except the ones we already have.

In this spirit, I would like to offer compromise suggestions for the knotty issue we face today, same-sex marriage. Why not this: It's OK to be gay if you're already gay -- but no new gays. We'll grandfather you in if you're already an organ grinder, but that's it.

Or, how about we let gays marry, but come out against "gay mortgage" -- allowing two men to buy a place and do God-knows-what in it diminishes the sanctity of what goes on in my ranch-style home in Calabasas.

Or maybe the answer to this is as plain as the nose in my lap. With both sides so set -- one being all for gay marriage, and the other completely against it -- how about we just let the lesbians marry?

Come on, marriage is a chick thing anyway. Human monogamy and the institution of marriage were invented by women and the church as a way to address female insecurity and to stamp out oral sex as we know it.

And don't give me some line about how two women can't reproduce. As long as David Crosby is alive and can swallow Viagra, that's not a problem.

Plus, let's face it, when people talk about homosexuality being "not natural" and "an abomination," they're not talking about the women -- they're talking about the men. Nobody seems to find anything so abominable about Britney Spears tonguing Madonna, or the Coors Light twins grinding against each other.

Isn't it time both sides compromised a little on this issue? The statistics tell us that anywhere from 2 to 10 percent of people in America are gay, although it seems higher at my bathhouse ... so, as an ultimate compromise, why don't we just say anybody in America can get married, and we'll just call it "New Marriage" or "Marriage Classic."

Salon Staff

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