Five British Muslims who were recently sent home from our prison at Guantánamo charge that their American captors brought in prostitutes to taunt them, because most had never even seen a naked woman before. It made me wonder how many members of al-Qaida have ever even dated a girl. We should hire women to infiltrate al-Qaida cells, and fuck them.
Things would change quickly. Because young Muslim men don't really hate America, they're jealous of America. We have rap videos, the Hilton sisters and magazines with titles like "Barely Legal." You know what's barely legal in Afghanistan? Everything.
Young men need sex, and if they don't get it for month after month after month, they wind up cursing the day they ever decided to go to Cornell.
Have you ever wondered why the word from the Arab street is so angry? It's because it's a bunch of guys standing in the street! Which is what guys do when they don't have girlfriends, or aren't allowed to even talk to a girl -- of course they want to commit suicide. Unlike this country, where it's the married guys who wanna kill themselves.
But here, we always have hope. You can at least talk to a girl, and one might be crazy enough to go for you. Or you could get rich, and buy one, like folks do where I live in Beverly Hills.
The connection between no sex and anger is real: It's why prizefighters stay celibate when they're in training, so that on fight night they're pissed off and ready to kill. It's why football players don't have sex after Wednesday. And, conversely, it's why Bill Clinton never started a war.
So to paraphrase the sign in his old war room: It's the pussy, stupid. We need the Coalition of the Willing to be reallywilling. We need to mobilize two divisions of skanks, a regiment of ho's, and a brigade of girls who just can't say no. All under the command of Col. Ann Coulter, who'll be dressed in her "Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S." uniform.
Forget the Peace Corps, we need a piece-of-ass-corps. Girls, there's a cure to terrorism, and you're sitting on it.