Shaved pubes and naked push-ups

Who is the real intended audience for the trashed frat boys of "Guys Gone Wild"?

Published July 21, 2004 9:12PM (EDT)

Since it's an established fact that college women are often eager to strip naked and occasionally make out with each other for free while being filmed by complete strangers, it follows that a fair number of young men are willing to be exploited, too. So Joe Francis -- the creator of the "Girls Gone Wild" soft-porn video line that has sold $100 million worth of DVDs -- sent out a team of hot camerawomen to Cancùn and South Padre Island on spring break, plying young men with drink and the promise of that special kind of fame that includes naked cartwheels and lots of ass slapping.

There's no man-on-man action on the just-released "Guys Gone Wild" series, but there are guys "flexing their pecs on the beach ... dropping their pants in the clubs." But who, exactly, is this really aimed at? Francis claims women are the intended audience (the press release calls it "the perfect gift for your next Bachelorette Party"), but the pouty, flexing boy toys on the cover suggest that gay men -- a huge market, as opposed to the tiny one for straight women -- are the real target. So Salon asked New York-based film critic Nathan Lee and his friend Jen Lyon to try to decipher the real intentions of "Guys Gone Wild" and figure out who -- if anyone -- its trashed young stars will really be turning on when the videos appear in stores at the end of the summer.

[The video begins...]

Nathan: OK, first of all, do straight guys shave their pubic hair like that?

Jen: That's gay.

Nathan: Super gay. That guy's shaved too. Maybe straight guys are doing this now.

Jen: No.

Nathan: Well, you don't date guys like this, so you wouldn't really know.

Jen: It's true, I don't know.

Nathan: Do you think he's totally wasted?

Jen: Oh yeah. And look at his tiny little penis! This one looks like he knows what he's doing. He's totally a stripper. OK, and why is it that men make that move?

Nathan: What move?

Jen: That shaking-the-dick-around move.

Nathan: Dunno. Again with the shaved pubes!

Jen: Do you think they shave themselves? Or shave each other? I bet Jersey guys are the ones to ask. They're like gay guys except they're straight. You know, they tuck in their shirts.

Nathan: Metrosexuals gone wild. I think he's kind of cute.

Jen: The super-skinny guy? He looks like he's 16!

Nathan: Uh...

Jen: So tell me, how do you get two straight guys to strip in a hotel room and play football?

Nathan: I'm sure they got them wasted.

Jen: Maybe it's really easy if you get some really hot girl to go up and say, "Hi! We're filming this thing. Have a beer. Get naked and play sports."

Nathan: They're totally drunk. Wait, what did he just say? "I'm going to stick it in him?"

Jen: He did not.

Nathan: Oh no: "Will it stick to him?" They're throwing bologna at his ass. Very "Jackass."

Jen: Lunchmeats and nakedness!

Nathan: These guys all seem straight to me, but they've all got this gay aesthetic. The shaved bodies, the haircuts, the way they're groomed.

Jen: See, that's what I'm saying about Jersey boys. The first time I went to a nightclub in Jersey, it felt like I was walking into the gayest club ever. They check each other out in a certain way, scope each other out. They're all groomed, worked out, very conscious of their accessories.

Nathan: Is this to attract women? Or is it vanity and competitiveness with other guys?

Jen: Vanity and competitiveness, totally.

Nathan: And insecurity. We can blame the gays for that.

Jen: Completely, yeah.

Nathan: Can you conceive on any level that straight women would watch this and be turned on?

Jen: This isn't what women find sexy, generally. Even when you watch men strip at a club, they create this story for you, and interact with you. It's all relational.

Nathan: And these are not manly men. They're man-boys. That's much more the erotic territory of the homo. Look: shaved again. Now they're doing "dick tricks." And it looks like the girls behind the camera are into the ass slapping too. Are you into ass? Are girls into guy ass?

Jen: I really like ass.

Nathan: So this is kind of appealing.

Jen: It's not a turn-on, really. It's kind of funny.

Nathan: This emphasis on ass also seems pitched to a gay audience. OK, this guy can't get a hard-on, but he can do push-ups!

And now we have guys gone overweight. Ew. Shaved again!

Jen: No way.

Nathan: I'm kind of amazed at all the grooming going on here. You know what though, I don't see a lot of straight college dick. I don't go to the gym and shower and all that.

Jen: I know one guys who trims, but I've never seen shaved.

Nathan: Grooming is one thing; the bush can get big. But this looks like some kind of hair-free phenomenon I don't know about.

Jen: I don't feel like it's that typical. Most of my girlfriends are afraid to talk about how they shave.

Nathan: Gay men don't have inhibition about that.

Jen: I'll tell them, "So, I just got my shit waxed off, Brazilian style. I can't believe she waxed my ass that way!" And my girlfriends will be like "Eeeeeh!" It's really strange. I'm not excited about sharing my waxing experiences...

Nathan: Wait. You wax your pussy?

Jen: And my ass. It HURTS. So bad. I leave a little tiny bit though. The last woman who waxed my ass -- who I think has the worst job ever, to be the ass waxer -- she said I should wax my mustache! Trollop! It still upsets me.

Nathan: You do not have a mustache.

Jen: I think she was just mad. And then she took it out on my pussy! She was ripping the shit off really hard. And even weirder is having some woman who's mad at you for having a mustache have her thumb on your clit.

Nathan: But here's the other thing: You groom because you're wearing little bikinis on the beach, right?

Jen: It's mainly because I like to wear bikinis, but also 'cause I want people to play with my pussy. I like the feeling of being completely free down there.

Nathan: Apparently, the young straight men of America feel that way too.

Jen: I just can't imagine, as a woman, getting home from the club with some dude and realizing his shit was shaved. I'd stop and have a conversation and be like, "I could put my mouth on your dick, but first let's discuss why there's no hair down there."

Nathan: You wouldn't do that.

Jen: Totally. I would. It would totally freak me out. I have to be honest.

Nathan: I don't think its weird. Gay men have been doing it forever. But it's weird here because I've only really seen that in gay porn videos. Now here's something you don't see every day: four drunk guys in thongs jumping around on a bed.

Jen: And they're smacking ass!

Nathan: There was man-on-man action?

Jen: You didn't see it? Oh well, now they're going to run through the hallway naked. That's something guys do. But why are they doing cartwheels? And how do you get a tan line like that? Oh, they're really into it -- look how excited they are. They're so excited that they're naked together. I have to admit, it'd be really fun to get guys to do this kind of thing.

Nathan: These guys actually got wild, but it wasn't very sexy.

Jen: They did get wild, that was the best so far. I'd like to see that video: naked men running through various establishments. I like the funny outfits too.

Nathan: It's strange that they don't seem to be doing this to seduce the girls.

Jen: They're just enjoying the attention. But now these guys aren't loving the attention so much. It's different for them. All the guys who are really groomed and shaved--

Nathan: They're way more into it.

Jen: Exactly.

Nathan: These are more like regular dudes. They're not getting off on it.

Jen: This is sexier in a way.

Nathan: You're seeing a real person.

Jen: That's what women want to see.

Nathan: It's really cute that he's embarrassed. I don't think they're that sexy, but the situation is sexy.

Jen: Meanwhile, this guy is so drunk he can barely stand.

Nathan: He's named his dick "The Captain." I do like the antics, and dick tricks, like this guy trying to catch a Frisbee on his cock.

Jen: I want more bologna lobbing! That's my favorite part. Do you think this is sexier because you have to wonder what he's thinking to get his dick hard?

Nathan: No, but it is interesting that he's getting a big hard-on by catching plastic rings on his cock.

Jen: I wonder if they stop and the girls--

Nathan: Fluff him?

Jen: Yes, thank you.

Nathan: I don't know. It's getting kind of boring now.

Jen: What a cheap, nasty hotel.

Nathan: I'm bored.

Jen: The thing I keep thinking is, I wonder if any of these guys ever have sex together, but we won't find out. Maybe in the bonus footage?

Nathan: Maybe they put the "bone" in "bonus footage."

Wow, they can really get him to do whatever they want. But they don't go far enough. You'd think that with the guys this fucked up, they could really get them to go wilder. I want them to make him stick the showerhead up his ass or something. I want to see some wild shit! But the girls don't seem interested in going too far. It's very jokey. I mean, this part here is like yoga gone wild. It's as much about humiliation as anything else, sexual embarrassment. Oh no! This guy is tucking beer cans under his man titties! [The guys going wild explain they're from New Jersey.] These guys are from Jersey! You were right! Oh, this guy's cute, I like him.

Jen: And he's kind of dumb, which is appealing. Oh, and he's wearing a cute belt.

Nathan: You are so gay! Never mind the ass, look at his belt!

Jen: It's much hotter when they're a little afraid.

Nathan: A little shy, a little awkward.

Jen: The guys who are willing to whip it out and run around with it are scary.

Nathan: They get a little too into it. Oh, and there's some more man-on-man ass contact.

Jen: But that was different. For this guy, it's an opportunity to experience a little something.

Nathan: You think?

Jen: Totally. He pulled his pants up, then he pulled them down a little bit again like [whispering] "Oh, I'm not done yet ... I want to feel his butt on my butt one more time." In general, I'm really fascinated by straight men who allow themselves to go there anyway.

Nathan: Into gayness?

Jen: Yeah.

Nathan: I think that's the implicit fantasy of this video. It's a bunch of men drunk, getting naked in front of each other and doing sexual antics. This is one step away from gay action; this is what precedes it. The fantasy here for gay men is the idea that they can get straight guys drunk and do whatever they want with them. There always seems to be a guy somewhere in the background -- that's part of it too.

Jen: I know a lot of women who are turned on by gay male porn.

Nathan: That would make this video really hot. Take it to the next level. Of course you'd never see it.

Jen: I'm ready for it to go somewhere.

Nathan: They're not really going wild, are they?

Jen: Well, this one's got bush gone wild, finally.

Nathan: And this guy, shaking his flabby Jell-O ass around. It's like interpretive dance gone wild. Did he just brag about his four inches?

Jen: Maybe he meant when it's soft. He's completely plastered. Look at the wrist bands: Those are all the places they're drinking constantly at. Do you think the girls got an expense account to buy shots for these guys to get them wasted?

Nathan: I'm sure.

Jen: Awesome. [The DVD ends.] Oh. That was it? They didn't go wild at all. Oh well. As a woman, this doesn't turn me on. If they started sucking each other's dicks, that would turn me on. Let's watch the bonus footage!

[A very young looking guy with a large erection sits on a bed with his pants down to his thighs.]

[together] Aww...

Nathan: He's a total gay fantasy.

Jen: Totally. Look at him. He's a baby. Super cute. And he's got a great dick! Good god!

Nathan: Jen gone wild!

Jen: If she can get him to lick the top of it, I will love them forever. What is he doing, though, text messaging on his cellphone? But see, this ishot, because 19-year-old boys do have dicks that are hard all the time. I love that.

Nathan: What we're discovering here is as a woman, you want it to get dirtier -- or gayer.

Jen: Yes. [The 19-year-old makes his dick move without touching it.] By the way, I love that men can do that. If I could make my clit do tricks like that, I would stay home and practice all day. This is way more interesting. The girls are way more turned on now for the first time. This is sexy because look, he's 19, just graduated from high school, doesn't know what to do in bed yet. You could teach him.

Nathan: The setting is also erotic for the first time. It's a quiet room, he's by himself on the bed, not acting hysterical. He's looks kind of fucked up, but he's not being silly. It feels right on the verge of sex.

Jen: You can tell by what they're filming too, it's all about his dick. It's way more carnal.

Nathan: They're into the dick.

Jen: As well they should be.

[Together] It's a great dick

Jen: And there's no guy in the room.

Nathan: This is kind of going wild.

Jen: Much better.

Nathan: I told you they'd put the "bone" in "bonus." Look: They totally want to fuck him.

Jen: Who doesn't? Thank god for 19-year-old boys!

Nathan: OK. Verdict?

Jen: Gay.

Nathan: Very gay.

By Salon Staff

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