The Fix

Survival manual for Bush's next term; did Paris Hilton help Bush? Nick and Jessica: The state of our union is strong!


Salon Staff
November 4, 2004 4:43PM (UTC)

Turn On:
Certainly you couldn't be blamed for wanting to avoid the TV altogether tonight. But there's also an argument to be made for escaping into the comforting arms of "The O.C.," which has its season premiere tonight at 8 p.m. EST on Fox.

Morning Briefing:
Recipe for survival: The exit polls may have called the election wrong, but the prescient folks at Random House's Villard imprint apparently didn't. The publisher has announced that it will rush to stores next week a book called "250 Ways to Make It Through the Next Four Years Without Misunderestimating the Dangers Ahead, and Other Subliminable Stategeries," by Gene Stone. The paperback, which will retail for $9.95 and hit stores on Nov. 9, aims to be humorous, yes, but serious too, because, according to a press release, "after another Bush victory, you are less likely to find as much relief from the subject/verb disagreement, the invented words, and the general bizarreness of Dubya's speech and thoughts ... So most importantly, 'The Bush Survival Bible' is an essential guide to help you cope and fight back. This upbeat, forward-thinking, realistic book shows you how to channel your anger in a positive direction." The book will offer advice on everything from how to get involved in local politics and join change-oriented groups to how to deal with "Post-Election-Stress Disorder (PESD)" to where to defect, including " details about visas to welcoming countries that Bush hopefully won't bomb." And if all else fails, the book points out that things could be worse: At least we didn't elect Ivan the Terrible, Pol Pot or ... Alan Keyes.

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Blame it on Paris? Not only did the young people not show up to vote in as large number as expected on Election Day -- some of the celebrities encouraging them to do so didn't bother to pull a lever either. In fact, according to Lloyd Grove's Lowdown, "Vote or Die!" T-shirt-wearers Paris Hilton and 50 Cent didn't even see fit to register to vote. (Although in 50 Cent's case, that may be have something to do with the fact that he's a convicted felon.) Others, like Citizen Change leader P.Diddy and the rapper Ludacris did vote, the latter reportedly absentee ... in Florida. And Citizen Change official Alexis McGill said there was nothing they could do to make sure their celebrity supporters made it to the polls. "All the celebrities' managers confirmed that they were going to register if they hadn't already," McGill said. "We have to take the managers at their word. We have no business checking up on them -- especially because none of the celebs got paid." (Lloyd Grove's Lowdown)

The scene in Simpsonland: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, who just celebrated their second wedding anniversary, want you to know that they're very happily married. "Our relationship is better than it's ever been. We are absolutely not breaking up," Simpson tells People magazine, responding to rumors that the couple was going through a rocky patch. And speaking of rocky patches, Simpson had this to say to "Access Hollywood" about her sister Ashlee's "SNL" lip-sync debacle: "Ashlee is an amazingly talented person. She's already sold 3 million records, which is more than I sold in two years. She's proven herself." Who else has Ashlee's back? Eminem, of all people, who said he wouldn't dis the younger Simpson sis because his niece and daughter are big fans of hers. (Associated Press, Rush and Molloy)

Also: The new "America's Most Wanted"? A California man who appeared on the NBC reality show "Blind Date" stands accused of rape and kidnapping after his alleged victim spotted him on the show and contacted police (The Smoking Gun) ... Bijou Phillips insists she never snipped off the tip of anyone's finger with a cigar cutter. She calls the rumor that she did so "disgusting," but shares, "I did hear last night that it takes the same amount of pressure to bite off the pinkie as it does to bite into a carrot," which of course isn't disgusting at all (W magazine via Rush and Molloy) ... Dixie Carter nearly got herself arrested aboard an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Nashville on Friday when she made a scene after flight attendants tried to prevent a man in a wheelchair traveling with Carter and her husband, Hal Holbrook, from being wheeled to his appointed seat. A pilot had to intervene on Carter's behalf. (Lloyd Grove's Lowdown) ... Patty Duke is said to be in fair condition as she recovers from single bypass surgery, which she underwent on Wednesday (Associated Press) ... Kelly Ripa's husband, Mark Consuelos, has been cast as her love interest in three episodes of Ripa's ABC sitcom, "Hope & Faith" (N.Y. Post) ... "Jeopardy" dynamo Ken Jennings became the biggest money winner on a single quiz show in TV history last night, when he took in $45,099, bringing his total winnings to $2.197 million (N.Y. Post)

-- Amy Reiter

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