Bush's inaugural address exposed

"My promise to the American people: To cast a wide net for freedom, from the ancient ruins of Enron to the future ruins of Iran."

By Joyce McGreevy

Published January 20, 2005 9:09PM (EST)

Thank you. Thank you, boys. Gentleman in the black robe over there to my right. Presidents Jimmy, Billy and Daddy. Distinguished check writers. And a shout-out to the American people, wherever they may be.

We've had us a time, haven't we? Delivered some swift kicks, both foreign and domestic. Took a evildoer out of a deep hole and secured our economy in its place. In Iraq, we retaliated in advance, and in Ohio, we never had to retally at all.

Wherever we saw the environment, we took care of it. Barney ate fish out of a bucket on the Outdoor Channel, and I went to a town hall and shot me some fish in a oil barrel. I call that being a steward of the land before it can steward unto you. We put on a Clear Skies Act, so someday, if the environment rears its head again, your children and grandchildren will not have to look at that sort of thing.

We took on education and won, passing the buck to a few good spokesmen and making it easier for a pretty swell bunch of mammon lovers for Jesus to get their hands on the rest. Because wherever two or more think tanks and charter schools is gathered in his name, so goes the agenda. Donor by donor, pawn by pawn, we're forming a coalition of the shilling to lead this children's crusade all the way to the front lines of graduation -- to what I'd rather not say. The future is ours, and the rest will just have to figure something out when they get there.

We reached out to hundreds of Muslims detainerated in Guantáanamera, making the camp all permanent like, because they hate our freedom. We put an end to torture by calling it "I Can't Believe It's Not Torture." Sometimes words have consequences, and that's why God gave us revisionism.

To our bravest young men and women, especially the first to arrive in Baghdad, we bequeathified a place in our ownership society.. Own your own plan, we said -- invasion, security, exit -- see what you can come up with. Buy your own safety gear. Here, have a stop-loss order. Go on, take it.

Heck, own your own darn reason why we're there in the first place. Then, in 16 words or less, write it on the back of a postcard, and mail it to "Justification of Invasion: Top Ten Reasons Contest, Attn: Scotty on the Spot, the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Behind the Barricade, District of Condoleezza." Winner will be chosen by random drawing. This offer not valid in Massachusetts.

If you make it back, why not buy years of therapy and start up a little business? When someone buys a machine part, someone else has to manufact it. Just not here. Nobody said fair trade was fair.

And it just keeps getting better. There's 'bout to be an election at an undisclosed location so people in Iraq can experience the same rights as voters in Miami-Dade and Broward counties. You're welcome. Wish we could loan you the DLC, which was such a big help to our campaign. Wonderful pack of sit-down guys. No, really, I mean it. You boys get any more agreeable, I'm going to offer you a place in my Cabinet. So keep up the nice work and don't let 56 million people tell you different. Also wanna thank the press. You kids are cuter 'n a box of Bill Frist lab kittens. Here, have some more yarn. You've earned it.

Which brings me to today. America has spoken, and I've made it a point of personal pride never to listen. That's called a mandate. Anybody need some political capital? I got your capital right here. With a mandate comes the solemn duty to do what I want. And it starts with T and it ends with E, and that spells Social Security reform. Which is exactly what the 2004 campaign was all about, 'cept back in that era I told the American people it was national security. Whatever.

There's an old saying about Social Security. "If it ain't broke, fix me once. Break it, won't get paid again." Well, if it ain't broke, someone better get on with it. I got only 18 months to piratize this sucker. The sooner we get cracking, the sooner the big fix can begin.

Some folks say this is a cynical attempt to take down the most effective means of preventing poverty in the history of our nation. That only proves Social Security is too big for its britches. The little showoff is on stronger financial footing than the U.S. government itself, and that's just uppity.

Far be it from me to play the fear card, but the British government has learned that Social Security recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that Social Security has stockpiled a surplus even as we try to convince the American people it's flat bust. Flat bust, I tell you. The government now has irrefutable proof that Social Security is in crisis. Because I said so, that's why.

We cannot stand by and invest our solvency in low-income seniors, the disabled and survivors of a deceased parent. Who died and made them the unborn? For only $2 trillion we could accomplish a peaceful transfer of power and cashola to people who have the necessary experience.

Some say we're cozying up to financial services companies and their executives 'cause they donated 4 million bucks -- more than any other industry -- to today's ignorification. Some say Wall Street will reap a windfall once Congress makes nice with my plan for these pirate investment accounts. Some even say that high-finance types may have some interest in my mission to make tax cuts permanent for the right people. This is news to me, and as such I would never have been briefed on it.

But to single out money-grubbing speculators is a flat-out insult to the energy companies and their executives, who also ponied up more than $2.7 million for today's celebration of freedom. Those energy folks has worked closely with me for years to make sure all Americans walk in the light of an industry-friendly energy bill. Freedom from regulation is on the march.

And that is my promise to the American people. To cast a wide net for freedom, from the ancient ruins of Enron to the future ruins of Iran, with lots of interesting alleys along the way. Freedom to stand in mute unity with the Republican House and Senate. Freedom from tyranny, be it the corporate tax or the frivolous lawsuit. Freedom to navigate your own way, whether through healthcare or unemployment. Freedom to make a difference in the lives of others, like gay couples and pro-choice women.

Now let's get this party started. Heavily armed SWAT teams and trained attack dogs are standing by to help you celebrate your freedom and keep a safe distance from my limo. God bless America. And that's an order.

Joyce McGreevy

Joyce McGreevy is a writer in Portland, Ore.

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Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Education Environment Iraq War Social Security