Dear Cary,
My boyfriend and I were together for the first year of our relationship, then moved to separate cities after college. That was two years ago. I've planned to move up there as soon as I get a job, but in two years, I haven't found anything. I've had some interviews. They all tell me they love me but I'm either overqualified (because of my education) or I have no practical experience in the field (which is true but how can I get it if no one gives me a chance?). In the meantime, I've been getting my master's (which I am now finishing up) and working a mind-numbing administrative job here but I haven't gotten any of the literally hundreds of jobs I've applied for. I've tried recruiters, family, friends, colleagues -- I always get great feedback, and no one can tell me what I'm doing wrong. I can't quit my job to do an internship or volunteer in the field because I really need the income. Not only is this extremely frustrating professionally -- my self-esteem is in the toilet right about now -- but I feel like my relationship can't move on until we're in the same city. I am so tired of doing the long-distance thing and it's really straining our relationship. My boyfriend can't move here because of his career (unlike me, he's very successful). He tells me I should just quit my job and move there. I can stay with him in the 450-square-foot apartment that he shares with his odd roommate who doesn't speak to me!
Cary, I have enough trouble with his tiny apartment just when I come stay with him -- tripping over my suitcase, contorting into strange positions just to use the toilet, going nuts over how cramped everything is -- the thought of living there indefinitely makes me want to rip my hair out. He simply does not get that I need at least a little personal space for sanity's sake. He thinks I'm being prissy and stubborn. Even more pressing than that, I have no money and he lives in one of the most expensive cities in the world. He's generous and offers to take care of me, but I don't want to depend on someone else financially -- it's just not an option for me. I am not comfortable with the idea of moving to this city with no job, no financial security. If I could just get a decent job up there, I could figure the rest out, but it's like some cosmic force wants me to remain miserable in my boring job and distant relationship forever. I'm at a complete loss and would really appreciate any words of wisdom that you could offer.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
It is taking you a while to find a job in the city where your boyfriend is living. There is nothing unusual about that. It will probably take longer than you would wish. Meanwhile, you have an excellent opportunity to learn how to be patient and tough -- lessons life may have neglected so far to teach you. Patience and toughness are qualities some generations are taught earlier than others. Wars and economic depressions teach patience and toughness; peace, global empire and unprecedented economic prosperity, as Jon Stewart would say: Not so much.
I saw Christina Hoff Sommers on "The Daily Show" the other evening. She was promoting her new book, "One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture Is Eroding Self-Reliance." Some of what she said sounded shrill and kind of silly, and she has been accused of intellectual sloppiness, but I agree with her that trying to shield children from difficulty is dumb. And I have witnessed firsthand the pampered, fuzzy-headed, glazed look of inflated self-esteem that is the purported fault of our national softness. So when you mention that as a result of these setbacks your self-esteem is "in the toilet," I can't help thinking: Perhaps your self-esteem has merely experienced a natural correction.
I'm sorry, that sounds mean. Maybe I'm just being bitchy and jealous of the young. Perhaps I am hungry. What I want to say is that you are young and when you are young the waveforms of experience are short; you are just beginning to experience the yearlong and multiyear fluctuations of fate and circumstance that try the soul and harden the will. So treat your current struggle as an object lesson, and be prepared for similar setbacks. Self-esteem is cheap and, as Sommers pointed out, if she's got her facts right, it does not correlate with morality or achievement. Persistence, patience, toughness: These qualities are dear and will last you a lifetime.
There, I've eaten. Life seems better now. Let me stop bitching and try to be helpful. The main thing is just to be realistic.
So do this: Make a list of the things you want and are having trouble getting. The list might look something like this:
Finish your master's degree.
Live with your boyfriend.
Get a job in your boyfriend's city.
Find your dream job.
There might be other items, I don't know. And these items all affect one another in complicated ways. But for the moment, clear your mind of how they interrelate, and just pick the one thing that is most important to you right now. If it helps, pretend you are dumb. Simplify. Just pick the one you want the most and put it at the top, without worrying about how doable it is.
Then consider how long that one thing might take.
Write that number down.
Then double it.
That's probably a realistic target.
You get what I'm saying? Stuff gets harder once you're out of school. It takes longer, costs more and isn't as much fun.
But there are compensations. For instance, it's your life and you can do what you want. Some would say that's compensation enough.
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