King Kaufman's Sports Daily

Dear readers: This misunderstood columnist owes you a Terrell Owens-style apology. Sor-ree. Jeez.


Salon Staff
November 9, 2005 10:00PM (UTC)

As you know, I have been suspended and told that I cannot write King Kaufman's Sports Daily for the rest of the season.

I am a writer and this is what I do. It really hurts me not to be part of the editorial staff anymore. It particularly hurts when I go to the grocery store. I came here to help Salon get to the Webby Awards and win the big, uh, whatever you win there. And get paid. Way more than I'm getting paid now.

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I think the mentality that I have, my greatest strength can also be my greatest weakness. I'm a self-centered, self-absorbed jerk with no concept that my actions and words have an effect on others, or that other people even have feelings. Sometimes, this quality can actually work against me.

I'm sorry that it works against me.

I'm a fighter. I've always been and I'll always be. I fight for what I think is right, and to hell with what actually is right, or what anybody else thinks is right, or anybody else, period. In doing so, I alienated a lot of my readers and co-workers.

It's incredible how sensitive these bozos are, but I want to make it clear I'm sorry they're all so sensitive.

To those readers who have supported me through these tough times, I thank you for your support. I know there aren't any of you, but it looks good to thank someone. That and a little tearing up really gets across the sincerity and contriteness. (Must think of Pepsi the dog getting hit by a car when I was 7. Poor Pepsi. Oh, Pepsi!)

I want you to know that I am sorry (sniff) this has happened. To you, I apologize.

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To my co-workers, a lot of you have been a friend to me and I appreciate that. I can't tell you how much I wanted to fight along your side to take this Web site to higher circulation numbers, but I thought I'd stab you in the back instead. That's just the way I was brought up. I do what I think is right. It was very painful for me not to be there with you to throw books at Google.

Also, I would like to reiterate my respect for Joan Walsh as an editor and as a boss and as a person who can dock my pay. I apologize to her for any comments that may have been negative. I don't think Salon would have a fistful of Pulitzers if Al Franken were our editor. Salon's not eligible for Pulitzers anyway.

There was no malicious intent. All I did was agree with a statement. The statement was, "Are all your co-workers and bosses a collection of idiots, lightweights, thieves and kitten torturers?" I didn't mean it to come off as negative when I said, "Hell, yeah! And it's a crime any of them get paid at all when I make so little money."

To the board of directors, I owe you an apology. We've been through a lot together, and we did not see eye to eye sometimes, but I respect you all. I never meant to imply that you're a pack of syphilitic howler monkeys when I said, "The board of directors is a pack of syphilitic howler monkeys."

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As I said before, this is very painful for me to be in this position. I know in my heart that I can help Salon and not only be a dominant writer, but also be a company writer. I can bring that.

In closing, I want everybody to know that writing columns is my passion. I've always given it my all and I will continue to do so.

As long as I get paid. More than these peanuts.

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Now, here's my agent, who has given me the advice and counsel that's gotten me where I am today.

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Clock-watching update [PERMALINK]

I said Tuesday I'd let you know if the Oakland Raiders complained about the last three seconds of the game apparently ticking off the clock as Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs lay on his back after scoring the winning touchdown Sunday.

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Raiders spokesman Mike Taylor returned my call after deadline Tuesday and said the team had no beef. "All I can tell you is we have the Denver Broncos on Sunday," he said.

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Huh? Dot-com [PERMALINK]

People who send me e-mails saying, "Hey, check out my cool sports-related Web site" in hopes of getting a link in this column always strike out.

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Unless their Web site really is cool.

So Curt Siffert sent me a link to his football site, Beatpaths, and while I would need a 45-minute skull session just to get to the point where I can say, "OK, yeah, I still don't get it," I do think it's kind of cool.

Beatpaths exists to create a ranking system -- BeatPower -- based on nothing more than wins and losses, with an emphasis on who's beaten whom. It's also an excuse for Siffert to create these crazy graphs that look like schematic drawings of Alexander Calder's brain.

What's a beatpath? Search me. Here's the explanation: "If a team beats another team, who beats a third team, and it doesn't become a loop, you have a beatpath." What's a loop? "A beats B beats C beats A," Siffert says in his e-mail.

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OK, yeah, I still don't get it. Whoa! Cool chart! Here's a longer explanation, which I also don't get. Ooh! Look at this one with all the arrows pointing at the Titans' logo.

The BeatPower rankings' top five are, in order: Indianapolis, Denver, Carolina, Washington and Seattle. The bottom five, from the bottom up: Green Bay, Houston, Tennessee, Miami, New York Jets.

I'm not smart enough to have any idea what Beatpaths is talking about, but its conclusions come close enough to my own totally subjective ideas about who's good and who isn't that I can only say: It's brilliant! When the rankings don't agree with my biases, I'll say it's stoopid.

Previous column: Colts hammer Pats

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