Don't miss Sarah Klein of the Detroit Metro Times' amusing account of her attempt to earn $175 as a dancer at Maxim magazine's Super Bowl party last week. (Yes, that's the right link; you just have to make it through the part about the zombies first. Trust me.)
"The rest of this column was supposed to be about the much-hyped Maxim party at the Max M. Fisher Center, where I was slated to work as a go-go dancer," writes Klein. "But I was unceremoniously cut the day before the event. Why? 'Cause I'm a big ol' fatty fat ass."
For the record, Klein stands 5 feet 6 inches, weighs 145 pounds and wears a size 10 -- "clearly a candidate for gastric bypass surgery," as she puts it. Here's her account of being squeezed into a stripper jumper before she was squeezed out of the gig at the party, where Mike Tyson, "everyone's favorite convicted rapist," was welcome:
"Several weeks ago, I was hired to work the party after submitting my photos and my measurements. The day before show time, I attended the fitting, during which my tits, crotch and voluminous hiney were subjected to the probings of a Maxim rep as she tried to pinch, push and duct tape my pasty white blubber into an aesthetically appealing shape in the skimpy stripper jumpsuit I was given to wear. (Incidentally, it was labeled a size 3X -- I shit you not). Afterward, I wasn't sure whether to slip her my number or smoke a cigarette.
"Then I left for a pre-dinner snack at Old Country Buffet, wiping out the entire place before I was booted for climbing onto the steam table to lick the remnants in the mashed potatoes bin ..."
A rep from Maxim eventually called Klein to tell her she was too "voluptuous" to perform: "They wouldn't even put my name on the guest list so I could still go to the party (probably for fear I'd inhale all the hors d'oeuvres.) To console myself, I drenched my cell phone in mayonnaise and ate it."
Of course, Klein knows that the magazine can hire and fire whomever it wants to shake it at its bashes. And while it's too bad that the lucrative gyration job didn't work out for her, it seems very clear that this column-writing thing will.