This is the kind of thing that happens when sixth-grade health-class memories mingle with "Handmaid's Tale"-style fears for our rights, a dark sense of humor, high-speed Internet access and quite a bit of free time. Maybe it's a little much, but it's Monday morning, so cheer yourself up with the following helpful video (thanks to Video Dog) about how your growing body works, and what the attorney general can do to help! (Hint: Your vagina is a gateway to information.)
And rest assured, the government is hard at work deciding what you can do with your body.
Rebecca Traister writes for Salon. She is the author of "Big Girls Don't Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women" (Free Press). Follow @rtraister on Twitter.