It has been a while since I've posted on a wacky press release, and I admit that this is not exactly a pressing issue, but the flackery I found in my in box today provoked an unbearable writhing that could only be stopped by describing it in print. It's for a product called "Tag Tamers," and the e-mail came in under the subject line "Wedding Tag?"
"You are not the bride but a bridesmaid and you have been frantic for all sorts of things lately and your darn clothing tag won't stay down. What to do?"
Following so far? You're a bridesmaid, not a bride, and you are frantic, and you have clothing tags. These tags, the press release explains, can be "irritating, scratchy and downright bothersome." What to do? After all, "if we are wearing clothes we want to keep the tags in, defining the designers whose duds we wear, we don't want to just cut or tear them out to be more comfortable. Doing so can also lose valuable washing instructions we need to keep from ruining the garment." In English, I believe the previous sentences translate to: "If you don't want to remove your troublesome tags, then you need the product we are about to sell you, bridesmaids."
Yes, the fever of tag discomfort (experienced by nuptial aides around the world) has finally broken thanks to "Tag Tamers," created by Joan Lefkowitz, the inventor of the "Topsy Tail," the "Hairdini" and, um, the "Jeweled Water Gun Necklace."
Basically, Tag Tamers are pieces of translucent tape that you can use to cover a tag. "Now you can stop being embarrassed or uncomfortable ... Tag Tamers is the answer." The press release says the product has been tested repeatedly and "keeps you comfortable, protects your clothing, and is easily removable for laundering." It costs "a mere $9.00 a box."
Seriously? You want me to pay $9 for tape to stick in my clothes so that misery-causing tags that I refuse to remove will stop bothering me? And you're selling it to me with some inexplicable wedding season tie-in implying that bridesmaids have either more tags or more responsibilities or more designer clothes or more washing instructions than normal people?
This is the dumbest press release I have received in at least two weeks.
Ladies, gentlemen, Broadsheet readers, I want to say something from the bottom of my heart: If you have clothing tags that are bothering you -- really, really bothering you in a deep and serious way -- you have options that do not cost $9. You can sew them into your clothing, you can use your own tape, you can attach them with a safety pin, and unless the garment in question is made of some polymer unknown to humankind, you can probably make a mental note of the washing instructions and just cut the damn thing out. If you have a tag in your $1,100 Prada skirt that is itching you so badly that you're thinking about it constantly but you refuse to remove it because you want to be reminded every time you put it on that you paid $1,100 for it, then I'm sorry, there is nothing that I or Tag Tamers can do for you.