What? You've never heard of Abortion Man? Well, he's much like Superman, except that instead of saving the world from imminent destruction, he saves young men from their pregnant girlfriends. The process is really quite easy: You, the inseminator, get a call from your annoying girlfriend -- who turns out to be even more annoying than usual, since she's phoning to say that she's pregnant. "I've got to get rid of that shit," you mutter to yourself, before assuring her that you love her and that you are "enthused about the whole situation." After hanging up the phone, you then run to your window and bellow a hearty "Help!" to whoever will listen. And you're lucky! For instead of Clark Kent lurking below your apartment building, your words fall upon the ears of Abortion Man, who unzips his white hoodie to reveal his superhero costume: a T-shirt displaying a picture of a fetus with a line through it. "This looks like a job for Abortion Man!" he nobly cries. Holy speculum, Batman!
Flying through the neighborhood, Abortion Man finds his way to the unsuspecting villain, who looks surprisingly like an innocent young woman who has just told her boyfriend she is pregnant. "Ah-hah! I have you now, fiend!" Abortion Man cries. And then -- warning, spoiler alert! -- he punches her violently in the neck, stomach and general womb area, forces her to the ground and stomps on top of her as she groans, and, lo and behold, a plastic baby pops into the air. Cut to the would-be father: "Thanks, Abortion Man," he says. "You saved my life."
I know what you're thinking. Sure, Catherine, it's not nice to put up videos online of "superheroes" punching women in the stomach and pretending to induce abortions as the girlfriends crumple to the ground in pain. But it's probably a homemade video, with just as much cultural significance as those iMovie montages of people's cats. But unfortunately, you'd be wrong. This video was actually put out by WayOut TV, a brainchild of actor and comedian Damon Wayans designed "as an incubator to develop innovative television shows for the internet." Wait, there's more: "A creative haven for up and coming writers, directors, producers, actors and musical talent, WayoutTV.com will seek out and nurture the vision of these young artists." I mean, I can't say I ever really expected the man who played Major Payne to be an arbiter of good taste, but still. If Wayans' "incubator" is serving as a womb for other sketches like this, then perhaps Abortion Man should pay WayOut TV a visit.