Every once in a while, we get a press release in the Broadsheet in box that I just can't resist checking out. Today's hit? One that began, "Alex Woodard's first single, 'Beautiful Now,' has become an anthem for hot moms everywhere." I was left with so many questions. Who is Alex Woodard? What is his song like? Do the world's hot moms really need an anthem?
So I took the obvious next step: I watched the video. In it, Woodard, a San Diego surfer, is shown crooning about the beauty of motherhood while strolling down the beach with his guitar (not to mention a couple of creepy shots where he shows up in women's bathrooms). As he sings, a variety of "hot moms" are shown frolicking in the surf, dancing around their bedrooms in their underpants, and gazing pensively out toward the ocean while wearing bikinis. It's like a Mother's Day catalog for Victoria's Secret.
Here, a sampling of the lyrics that have led him to be compared, says the press release, to Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen and, yes, Bob Dylan:
"I seen you sleepin'/ Tangled up in children/ In the morning/ Have I told you/ You're beautiful now/ You're a hot mom now."
But who, you ask, is that hot mom, that sultry brunette with the smoldering eyes, chiseled cheekbones and a stomach that most women can only dream of even if they haven't had a baby? According to the press release, Woodward drew inspiration for the song from one of the founders of the Hot Moms Club (not kidding), Dayanara Torres, who just so happens to be a former Miss Universe. When it came time to make a video, it seemed only logical, I suppose, to ask Torres and her children to participate. But the result is a "tribute to motherhood" that stars a beauty queen, emphasizes the importance of maintaining one's "hotness" and, were it not for the heartfelt lyrics and strategically placed children, could pass for a normal music video -- that is, three minutes of a guy, a guitar and a bunch of women he wants to bonk. (I mean, how much resonance can the line "You're beautiful now" really have when the woman you're talking about was already crowned Miss Universe?)
I've yet to give birth myself, but I can only hope that when I do, my husband won't judge my hotness on how my post-pregnancy body looks in a bikini. But if he does, he'd better write a song about it. Sample lyrics:
I know you feel bad/ About your stretch marks/ But you just passed a watermelon out of your vagina/ Give yourself a break.
(Feel free to suggest your own lyrics in the letters section. Bonus points if they rhyme.)