There is a profound philosophy of courtship that is taught by many dating gurus and goes by many different names -- personally, I like to call it the "assholes get laid" theory -- and its latest iteration comes in the form of Dante Moore's "The Re-Education of the Female." The cover of the book features a man writing at the blackboard and two women sitting attentively in school chairs: one -- wearing glasses, a crew neck T-shirt and jeans -- takes copious notes, while the other exposes a valley of cleavage and a mile of leg, and looks like she's fantasizing about blowing the teacher. (Someone's acing that class!)
Moore is the teacher and we females are his students, ready to soak up his every ounce of knowledge. Pencils to paper, ladies, here is Moore's illuminating advice: Do what men say, because otherwise they will leave you for a girl who will -- and, deep down, girls like assholes, so don't think there won't be another willing girl.
See, Moore's mother raised him to treat girls well, but one day, he had a revelation: His mother didn't know the first thing about how women want to be treated. Moore realized that women want to be kept in their place, and men want to keep them in their place. What a beautiful, symbiotic relationship! Moore believes that, for women, securing a happy relationship is as simple as becoming a domestic goddess, fighting off weight gain, dressing like a sex kitten and following each and every one of your man's orders.
He says many women "are miseducated, misinformed, and ill-prepared about their responsibilities in getting and maintaining a relationship with a man of quality." But if you follow Moore's advice, you can land a quality man just like him. Then, if you're lucky, you just might find yourself in a similar position to Moore's current girlfriend: She had to explain to reporter Laura Yao -- who profiles Moore in today's Washington Post -- why, exactly, he admitted in an interview to going on a date with another woman just two months ago, when they have been dating for two years (and have been "exclusive" in the past several months).
I'm sure Broadsheet's females readers just cannot wait to be "reeducated" by Moore -- personally, I am most riveted by the chapter titled "Are You an Indirect Prostitute?" So here's a sampling of Moore's wisdom to stave off your hunger for enlightenment:
On following orders: "Here's a little secret, ladies: men never really ask for anything. They command ... And believe me, what you won't do, ten broads around the corner will."
On staying fit: "The fatter you get, the more you decrease your potential single-man pool. Let me give you an example. When you go to the grocery store to shop, do you pick out the nastiest-looking, most rotten, smelliest fruit or meat you can find? Oh, you don't? Why not? ... It's the same with men when they see baby elephant-sized, out-of-shape women."
On the myth of strong women: "Please. That's what you tell yourself to help your self-esteem and justify the fact that you're alone. You're alone because you've forgotten the fact that you're a woman."
Thanks for the reminder, Dante!