Broadsheet's guide to the season's stupidest gifts

At a loss for what to get the blonde who has everything? And how about the 12-year-old cosmetic surgery enthusiast in your life?

By Judy Berman
December 6, 2008 4:40PM (UTC)
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'Tis the season for catalogs and commercials to tantalize us with images of swanky jewelry and high-end electronics that mere mortals could never dream of buying for ourselves or anyone else. And then there are the other presents -- you know, the ones that compensate for measly shopping budgets through pure wit. The only problem is, these gifts are often not so much funny as really, really dumb. Here at Broadsheet, we've recently been talking about stupid presents we've stumbled upon. And because we're generous gals and this is the time of year for charity, we're passing the fun on to you. Behold, our very own guide to the stupidest gifts of 2008.


Control a Woman Remote Control: As seen on "The Stepford Wives"! Just aim this little beauty at the wifey, and she'll obey your every command. Honestly, nothing I can say about this product beats the actual marketing copy: "How many hours have you spent puzzling over the mystery of the wonder that is women? Now you need waste no more time understanding the strange phenomenon of the female species when you can control them, and all from the comfort of your arm chair. Such life essentials as beer, sex and food are all available at a touch of the button. Not forgetting the all important mute button, because if she looks good why ruin it with those pesky opinions. Our Control-a-woman is a truly life-enhancing gift, if only it worked. No batteries required -- powered by positive thinking!"

Feeling left out, ladies? Never fear, the "Control Your Man" remote is here! This one stereotypes men and women with equal zeal, including buttons you can push to get your beloved to buy you things and tell you secrets, as well as controls that allow you to raise your man's maturity level and lower his ego.

Boob Job piggy bank: Let the world know that you're saving your pennies for a brand-new pair of silicone jugs! This one gets extra "yuck" points for its website of origin -- an online store that specializes in girls' bedroom decor.


Keyboard for Blondes: Still find "dumb blonde" jokes funny? Then this is the (fully functional!) keyboard for you ... or the stereotypical hot-but-stupid blonde in your life. Buttons labeled "Yes! I Want It!" and "WARNING! size XXL letters" replace complicated keys like "Enter" and "Caps Lock." One thing I find mysterious: What is it about the "Shift" keys that suggest the names, "Smart Blonde Button" and "Very Smart Blonde Button"? If even I, a brainy brunette, can't figure that out, then this keyboard's target audience may be in trouble.

Weener Kleener Soap: It's round with a hole in the middle! Get it?

From our friends at Axe: The spray-on deodorant that is supposed to double as a babe magnet but smells like a New Jersey night club at 2 a.m. is back with a pair of exciting, new products. The Axe Detailer, a loofa sandwiched between what appear to be two mini-tractor tires warns its wary, adolescent audience, "When girls check out guys, they notice every part." And then there's Axe Dark Temptation. This body spray works on the assumption that, since chicks dig chocolate, they'll be all over a dude who smells like it. Best of all is Dark Temptation's unfortunate mascot, a white guy who turns into chocolate (check out a TV ad here) after dousing himself with the spray. Because, uh, once you go "chocolate," you never go back...


Now, I know Broadsheet readers are intelligent enough not to waste their hard-earned cash on gifts like these. But what to do if you're the unfortunate recipient of one? Instead of a "thank you" note, I recommend sending your benefactor one of these.

Judy Berman

Judy Berman is a writer and editor in Brooklyn. She is a regular contributor to Salon's Broadsheet.

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