"The Video Guide to Successful Seduction"

Just in time for Valentine's Day, this '80s relic demonstrates the fine art of foreplay, from public boob-grabbing to hard drugs and S&M

Published February 13, 2009 4:43PM (EST)

Now that Valentine's Day weekend is upon us, many of us are looking to add a spark to our romantic lives. Thankfully, "The Video Guide to Successful Seduction" (posted below) is here to help. This unintentionally hilarious '80s relic may not put your special someone in the mood for love, but it should, at the very least, score a laugh.

The video opens with a punchy, porn-worthy synth track as a soothing, male narrator says, "It's late. You just worked a long day. You want to unwind, really let yourself go and totally relax. What if that special someone was waiting for you right now?" Cut to a man in a suit who comes home to find a black bra slung over the banister (because what's sexier than leaving laundry around the house?). Upstairs, a woman with big, fluffy hair is waiting for him next to a tub full of suspiciously blue water.

And it just gets better from there. Later in the video, a man (in perhaps the loudest fuchsia, purple, yellow and blue shirt I have ever seen) talks about the time a woman invited him to join her in the jacuzzi. "She said now or never," he tells us. "I'm glad I took the jacuzzi, because she's a great person." Asked what makes a man sexy, a woman --standing next to a guy wearing painfully tight jeans, a T-shirt that seems to have a drawing of sea mammals on it, and a bright orange trucker hat -- says, "The way he dresses." My favorite moment is when a guy who looks like he was ripped from the "SNL" sketch "Bill Swerski's Superfans" gives us this handy tip: "In Detroit, you need a dollar, a 12-pack of beer, a gram of coke and a whip."

In its final moments, after having endorsed consensual, public boob-grabbing, the video gives an awkward and unexpected nod to feminism. "Years ago, a man might have found an active partner threatening," says the narrator, as a woman dressed in head-to-toe beige throws a man down on the bed. "But most men today say they enjoy it when a woman takes over. And women say that as they become more comfortable with their own sexuality, they're willing to explore new ways of seduction and go for something sexy and exotic with their man." And that's when the woman in beige begins doing the kind of dance you just know will lead to a striptease.

So there you have it, men. Feminism: It may just get you a striptease! Happy Valentine's Day!


By Judy Berman

Judy Berman is a writer and editor in Brooklyn. She is a regular contributor to Salon's Broadsheet.

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