The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

"It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw, with civilians looking on in total awe."

By Andrew Leonard

Published June 9, 2009 10:30AM (EDT)

Because I feel a certain responsibility to let the world know what YouTube videos 11-year-old boys are tipping each other off to these days, I feel compelled to share with How the World Works readers "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny," from one Neil Cicierega, who fronts a musical project and live band called Lemon Demon.

My son decided I was ready for "The Ultimate Showdown..." after I decided that my little Japanomaniac was born to love the song "Godzilla" by Blue Oyster Cult. How he got this far without ever hearing it -- well, let just call it a failure of parenting and move on. Suffice to say, he enjoyed the guitar solos and the lyric "He picked up a bus and threw it back down" but his considered critical opinion was that the song could use another verse.

'Cuz, lyrics, you know, are what it's all about. Now, I'm not going to pretend that "The Ultimate Showdown..." is the latest hot thing. According to Neil Ciceriega's Wikipedia page, "The Ultimate Showdown..." was originally released onto the intertubes in 2005 and instantaneously became a smash hit. So, I'm a little slow, sometimes. For example, I did not even know there was an artistic genre called "Animutation," but I am now informed that Cicierega "is the creator of a genre of surrealist Flash animation known as 'Animutation' [which] features arbitrary, nonsensical scenes and pop culture imagery... typically set to novelty or foreign music, often Japanese."

(I cherish moments like these because I always enjoying learning how much I don't know about what humans are capable of.)

I quote:

Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight.
And Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie,
and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
Robocop, the Terminator,
Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo Pan, Superman,
every single Power Ranger.
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan -
All came out of nowhere lightning fast,
And they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass.
It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw,
with civilians looking on in total awe.

Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan -- that, my friends, is genius.

(I shamefacedly confess, however, that I had to google Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, who are, of course, Bill & Ted from "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure." I apologize to anyone offended by this lapse.)

If you would like to know more, including what happens to the snakes who attack Samuel Jackson, I recommend the Wikipedia exegesis of "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny." And if you have gotten this far without spitting in disgust at your computer monitor, well, don't stop now!


(UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that Katharine Mieszkowski and Amy Standen shouted the praises of Cicierega right here in Salon, eight years ago. At the time Cicierega was all of 14 years old, and I happened to be the editor of Salon's technology section.)

Andrew Leonard

Andrew Leonard is a staff writer at Salon. On Twitter, @koxinga21.

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