Tuesday night's show started with Ellen all over Simon -- and I mean ALL OVER Simon. Ellen's face was red with passion, Simon's face was red with mortification and Kara's face was green with envy.
Tonight was "Ladies Night," and it was made very clear to the 8 remaining female contestants that they needed to bring it on, strut their stuff, show us what they were made of, give America the "Wow Factor" and have a peak performance.
So, before we begin, can we have a little chat, a little one-on-one, a frank tête-à-tête?
Let's talk about the birds and the bees.
Yes, the birds and the bees, 'cuz I gotta tell you, and it's not like I'm promoting premarital sex here or anything, but some of these girls need to get laid…and quickly.
Come to think of it, maybe Ellen isn't getting any at home and she needs to get laid too!
Let me start with virginal Katie Stevens: Katie is young, beautiful and has the voice of a sultry, soulful jazz singer. She sang "Breakaway," a song that the unmatchable Kelly Clarkson turned into a mega hit. But Katie wasn't believable. She was stiff, rigid and robotic in her movements. And I swear I saw one of those chastity rings on her left hand "wedding finger." And she suddenly, in the creepiest of ways, reminded me of Bristol Palin, who has had sex, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't great because she is stiff, rigid and robotic.
Randy: "Yo, first one out of the box. Listen, big song but you sounded 'karaoke.'"
Ellen: "You're young, I didn't feel those words. All those words you were singing you weren't feeling." Brilliant.
Kara: I was distracted by her continual leaning into Simon, literally pressing and nuzzling her body up against him. Kara's married, and apparently she's not getting any either.
Simon: Simon is getting laid. No doubt about that. His leaning back and the relaxed and slightly Cheshire cat-esque grin on his face said it all. Simon got parental and gave Katie kudos for taking the judge's advice to find a young song. He should have advised her to find a lover.
Siobhan Magnus: Siobhan sang, "House of the Rising Sun." One would be hard pressed to deny that she had a beautiful voice, stunning really. And I'm pretty sure she's had sex, but I don't want to make sex too much of a theme here. This is a singing competition, after all. Speaking of sex, Siobhan needed to move her body just a little, just enough for me to know she wasn't a mannequin, but she had a magnificent performance… well, magnificent once you compared it to everyone else's.
Randy: "I'm already a fan, dawg. That was different. You took every risk, every chance. I liked the red skirt." Oh yeah, I bet you liked that red skirt Randy.
Ellen: Nothing Ellen said was memorable. Ellen was forgettable.
Kara was just too annoying for me to listen to. Between her recent attempts to commit adultery on national television and her continually bobbing head, I had to cover my ears and eyes.
Simon: "I wasn't quite a fan of that. It was all a bit weird. You didn't do anything with the song differently. I was underimpressed. It was all a bit boring and dark." Loud boos were heard from the crowd. Siobhan must have had a lot of relatives in the audience.
Lacey Brown: Lacey sang "The Story" and I wasn't sure she had one. She sat down on the stage for her performance. I don't know if this bothered anyone else. I hate it when the performers sing sitting down. It seemed hokey and just from a vocal perspective, it's got to be difficult to belt out a song while sitting down. Then when she was singing sitting down, she started rocking herself back and forth just a little. I didn't know if she was self-soothing or self-soothing (wink wink).
Randy: "Yo, the song was a little boring, but it's your best performance in a long time." I didn't think this was a compliment.
Ellen: "Best, um, performance to date. Um, perfect song choice." Okay, another time for a frank talk. Ellen sucked as a judge. She's worn out her welcome. She looked like she was a deer caught in the headlights and began what would be an evening-long verbal pattern of "ums."
Simon: "I have to say, I didn't love love the song, but you sang it really really well. That was something I'd listen to on the radio. But still, for me, I haven't heard the right song connection yet. I'm afraid you're in danger of being forgotten".
Katelyn Epperly sang, "I Feel the Earth Move," the classic Carole King song. Big mistake. Katelyn started the song as if she were already in the middle of it. I felt the earth and her performance tumbling in a downward spiral. I needed some Pepto Bismol, and I wasn't sure if it was from the pink hair or the poor performance.
Randy started off his feedback with laughter. That is never a good sign. "Uh, chuckle chuckle, listen, I loved the Carole King hair, but I didn't feel the right connection. It felt put on. I didn't feel the vibe." Maybe Katelyn needed a vibrator.
Ellen: "Um, we're, um, getting down to the Top 12. You're, um, adorable, but, um, um, it just, um, wasn't, um, um enough." Ellen needed a speech coach.
Kara had become a conjoined twin with Simon, and it was just so wrong.
Simon: "I like your hair. On the down side, it was kind of like request night on a Friday night in a restaurant that you were working at. The most important night of your career, you chose a simple song and didn't do anything with it. This may have been a mistake for you tonight." Ya think? Katelyn may be gone.
Didi Benami sang, "Rhiannon," and when she was singing the lyrics, "Will you ever win?" I shouted at the TV, "No, you will never win! Ever!" It's not that Didi was terrible, and I did love her voice, but she didn't bring it on with this performance. It was flaccid.
Randy: "Yo, it was definitely better than last week but there were no 'wow' moments."
Ellen: Again, let's face it. Ellen doesn't know much about music, and I'm getting tired of her Ellenisms. Give Paula a billion dollars if you have to. It's not too late to bring Paula back. People make mistakes.
Kara: "This was one of my favorite moments of the show." Kara had become delirious.
Simon: "Didi, I have to agree with Kara" (Kiss up!) "I thought that was head and shoulders above anything else we've heard tonight. You've proved that you're an artist. The 'wow moment' was the whole moment, and it was well balanced and it was a brilliant choice of song." Simon's hooked up with Didi, plain and simple.
Paige Miles sang "Smile." I felt like I was at a funeral. What was Paige thinking? The song was morose, depressing and anything but a song that would make you smile. Who was coaching Paige? Do these contestants get no help at all? I called my doc mid-song to plead for some Prozac.
Randy: "It didn't work at all." Yawn.
Ellen: "It's supposed to be inspiring and uplifting. But it was sad and not uplifting." I was in an official coma.
Kara: "It was all wrong." No, you're all wrong.
Simon: "It was so solemn, and a horrible choice of song. The arrangement was awful. It was a ‘peanut performance.' You have so much potential; you have a great voice but you've got no idea what kind of artist you should be."
Paige will be gone.
Crystal Bowersox sang Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason," and thank God Crystal has had sex! (I know this because she has a kid.) Now here's a woman I could believe. I could feel her soul in the song. She could feel her soul in the song.
Randy was all in a lather. "Listen, listen, listen, man. This is what this show is about for me. I love you, the song, the honesty. That was hot." Randy had a crush.
Ellen: "Best performance of the night." True, but such unoriginal feedback. These judges needed to start taking their own advice.
Kara: Never mind.
Simon: "One million billion percent sure you're going to be in the Top 12 next week. You are the one to beat. It's yours to win." Considering the women Crystal was competing against, Simon was no psychic.
Lilly Scott sang, "I Fall to Pieces," and maybe I was just all worn out and cynical at this point because I was falling to pieces. I had images of Tiny Tim singing with his ukulele. Yeah, I think it was me because the judges had a different take.
Randy: "I loved the song. You're in the zone".
Ellen: "I loved your originality and style and I love you." Ellen had a crush.
Kara: "It was kind of Patsy Cline made current".
Simon: "You're very brave for choosing that song on a night like this. What it didn't have was the 'Wow Factor.' It was cute and quirky, but that could have been a risky thing to do."
So, that was the Top 8 Women for this season's "American Idol." When I turned the TV off, I felt frustrated and pent up. I felt like I'd been seduced, teased and let down like a teenage boy on prom night.
I headed off for a cold shower and pleaded with the powers that be that the guys come through Wednesday night.
Somebody's got to put out on this show!