Worst porn ever?

I watched the "Teen Mom" porno so that you don't have to

Published May 7, 2013 10:30PM (EDT)

Farrah Abraham   (AP/Jeff Daly)
Farrah Abraham (AP/Jeff Daly)

You can never say I didn't do anything nice for you, because I just sat through all 70 minutes of the newly released "Teen Mom" porno, so that you don't have to. (And seriously, I recommend not.)

The video, unoriginally titled "Backdoor Teen Mom," helps to confirm Farrah Abraham's costar James Deen's claim that the scheme was to film the video in the style of a personal homemade sex tape and then pretend that it had been leaked against their will. (Shortly after filming it, he foiled that original plan by giving an honest answer to a reporter's probing question about the tape, which was being shopped around.) Deen is behind a hand-held camera for much of it; sometimes he sets it down down to catch the entire scene from a distance. Former "Teen Mom" star Abraham repeatedly calls him "baby" (actually, it's a grating whine of "baaayyybeeeee"), as though they're in an intimate relationship and not strangers filming a porno. At one point, she attempts to lead him up the stairs to the bedroom with, "Come on, boyfriend." She engages in baby talk -- "give me kisses," "come cuddle" -- that is creepily reminiscent of scenes of her interacting with her daughter on "Teen Mom." She even calls him "butthead" at one point.

It is mind-numbing -- more mind-numbing than the most clichéd porn dialogue. It makes "Pizza delivery!" sound like highly original and complex scripting. In a later scene set in the back of a limo, she makes small talk with Deen: "I get cold because I'm, like, cold. And I get really hot." Okey-doke. At one point, you can even hear Deen, a consummate professional, groaning at the monotony. Take this presumably unscripted exchange:

Abraham, attempting to unbutton Deen's jeans: "I think these buttons are going to take me forever!"

Deen: "Do you know how buttons work?"

Abraham: "I don't, not today. I forgot my brain when I came to hang out with you."

Here's another little snippet:

Deen: "When was the last time you had something in your ass?"

Abraham: "Never. In Neverland. Never in Neverland."

Sexy, huh?

Deen is the sort of performer who is known for routinely making the viewer feel that he has real-life chemistry with his scene partner. But in this case, in which the aim is truly to dupe viewers into believing in the on-screen romance, it flops spectacularly. Their contempt for one another is barely concealed. (And of course they have contempt for one another! He's proudly made his name in the industry, and she's a former reality TV star who's willing to slum it in Porn Land so long as they pretend that she didn't.) After a few seconds of trying to get him aroused, she says, "I wanna go get my lube, baby," and he responds, "You want me hard or you want lube? Focus, little woman!"

Eventually, they got to it, and I realized that I actually preferred the asinine conversation. At one point, I got sick of the exaggerated moaning and muted it. It got to the anal and I was just kind of like, "Whatever, I wonder what people are talking about on Twitter." It was so tedious that I started taking Photo Booth snapshots of my own expression while watching it. My bored face was more entertaining than the video itself. There was lots of finger-tapping on my desk. Aside from the fact that I had awkwardly positioned myself with my back to the wall, so as to avoid traumatizing my co-workers, witnesses might have reasonably assumed that I was reviewing a lengthy legal brief.

Granted, watching a porno at work while surrounded by co-workers, even when you're supposed to be watching a porno at work, pretty much demands that you attempt to not become too aroused. Still, Abraham comes off as a woman who just desperately wants to get it over with -- and that's the saddest part of all. (There is one exception to her general coolness: the scene in which she -- earmuffs, Mom and Dad -- squirts.) She repeatedly mentions being embarrassed and during one post-coital scene, while vigorously scrubbing herself off in the shower, she says, weirdly, "I deserve this ... for being too sexual with you all day." Of course, her shame is no surprise, given that she allegedly intended to write off the video as a leaked sex tape -- but its predictability doesn't make the video any easier to watch.

By Tracy Clark-Flory

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Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah Abraham James Deen Love And Sex Pornography Sex